Back to reality after a break

I took a break from all things cancer for over a month. My last chemo was March 17 and it was maintenance chemo.

Prior to this I was on FOLFIRI w/Avastin for 8 tx. My CEA had stayed at 2 for several cycles, and my PET/CT scan the beginning of February looked good. So I was moved up to maintenance chemo (which just meant dropping the Irinotecan). I had a trip planned so I had an extra week off, and had a big party to celebrate graduating to maintenance chemo. But 3 weeks later my CEA started to climb. It continued to climb through my next 2 maintenance chemo cycles.

I had an extended chemo break planned to go to Mexico for my stepson's wedding, and then stay 2 weeks after the group went home. With my CEA climbing it was hard to know what to do. Would 5 weeks between chemo cycles instead of 2 weeks, make a big difference? My oncologist told me to stick to the original plan with the break. He said that there is no sense to the hell they put me through to keep me around, if I don't get breaks to enjoy life and make it to important family events. Good point! So I decided to go.

With the stress of worry about whether I was making the right decision or not, knowing cancer was growing/spreading again in my body, and the stress of sad news on the cancer boards, I needed to just take a complete break. I needed to keep my mind off cancer as much as possible. So I did not participate in my colon cancer list-serve group, FaceBook group, or message boards. I had days where I hardly thought about cancer at all. I had a wonderful time at my stepson's wedding, and the next week at a client's wedding. I ate well, got lots of exercise walking and swimming, enjoyed perfect warm/hot weather (my neuropathy in my feet was so much better in the warmth wearing only flip-flops), and spent time at my second home with good friends. It was just what I needed.

I felt bad about not participating and sharing information and support, but I really needed a break. I'll slowly work my way back in the next few weeks.

I will say it has been hard to come back to reality. April 16th we returned to snow cover. ??? Who forgot to inform Mother Nature that it is supposed to be spring? I've been feeling really great (other than a few minor complaints and some back issues). So why do I want to come home where I know they will make me feel awful again soon? But if I ignored the cancer for too long and let it take off and spread too much, I'd be kicking myself.

I had labs yesterday. My CEA has gone up to 11.8 now. It was 6.4 a month ago. I had my PET/CT scan today so we can try to figure out where the growth/spread is now, and form a new plan of attack. Thursday I will find out the results and see if surgery or radiation is in order, or if I'm just going back on the tougher chemo - back to FOLFIRI w/Avastin. It is what it is, and I'm not really having scanxiety, but I am a little impatient to get answers so I can make some plans again. I've got family asking about my daughter's college graduation, my son's musical performances, a family wedding, birthday dinners, and more - and I can't ever answer. I'm still not too good at this living one day at a time thing. I can be spontaneous, but I also like to be able to commit to some things and know that I can follow through.

I am very glad that I did take that extended break. It is exactly what I needed mentally, spiritually, and physically. I am in much better shape to take on whatever I need to do now.

I hope you all are doing the best you can expect with your current situations. Cancer can make life tough sometimes, but it also is a constant reminder to us to live each day to its fullest, and I hope you are all able to do that. For anyone else contemplating a break from treatment, but nervous about it, I say GO FOR IT! I am very glad I did. It can really make a difference in your attitude and physical strength.