Asexual - Not a Woman or a Man

No answers ... just some thoughts
Hi csr771 -

I don't have any answers I just have some thoughts ... I've thought about this issue a lot. I had a DMX in February of 2010 with immediate reconstruction with TE's. Then I had my exchange surgery to silicone implants in July 2010. In some ways it was better than I thought ... in others it wasn't. I think I'm still processing emotionally everything that's happened.

I too am single and young and wonder what kind of impact having no natural breasts will have on any kind of relationship I'll have in the future. Will he bail? Will he run away? Will he find me repulsive and disgusting? I wonder these things. I was very athletic before all this bc nightmare ... I wasn't a frilly kind of girl but since my surgery I've found I dress up more ... I wear high heels more, I paint my fingernails and toenails ... I wear necklaces and bracelets where before I thought they were frivilous. I often think a psychologist would have a heydey psychoanalyzing me ... I think more than ever before I WANT to look pretty, whereas I just took it for granted. It's kind of made me embrace my feminine side ... if that makes any sense.

As for getting over it ... I don't have a clue. I hope that over time we can come to terms with our new body. I hope over time we can find a man who will love for who we are and not what we look like naked. I think it is OK to embrace things maybe we held at bay before our surgeries ...

I don't know if this helps you ... but I've often thought about your questions ... thanks for letting me ramble and journal a bit.

We all know with our heads that our breasts do not define us but there isn't a how-to book on how to adjust as a woman without our breasts in a culture that bombards us with bodacious beautiful sexual women who are mostly defined by their bosoms. We need to know we are still beautiful, still feminine, still sexy even without our breasts. How to get to that point .... I don't know.

We are beautiful.
We are strong.
We are sexy.

No matter what our bodies look like.

xo

Sexy is a state of mind
I thought about this one hard. I realized I was doing the same thing as
you at the beginning and didn't even realize it till you pointed it out. I
to did try to be more feminine. But this phase didn't last too long, since
I was never overly feminine before. I always liked simple classic.

Like you , I too am single and know this will add extra layer of complexity
to a new relation ship. But it hasn't really changed my outlook on relationships
in any way. I never took love for granted and always thought I'd be lucky
to find someone to love.

If the shoe was on the other hand, I realized, if I met the right one, I wouldn't
let illness get in the way. What attracts me about a man, is yes of course looks
at fist. But looks can never keep me attracted. However a beautiful mind can
and it is there to stay unlike looks.

Hugs,
Ayse

a bit different.
Well I had a lumpectomy so I did not lose as much. I still feel a bit disfigured. However, as soon as I got home and the visiting nurse came to change the bandage I got my magnifying mirror and took a look. I was worried that if my husband helped change the bandages he might not recognize a problem. So we both looked together having the home help nurse explain what might look different if there were problems. For me this was probably a good thing. I knew that if he did not recognize a problem with my breast I had to.

Before my masectomy I had a white T-shirt with a nun on the front of it. It said "I'm too sexy for this habbit". Me and my mother had laughed about the shirt. A couple of weeks after the lumpectomy, I put on the shirt not realizing which one it was. When I saw the picture I looked at my husband and said. "I'm still too sexy for this habit". I claimed my sexuality despite my disfigurement. Now perhaps I have the security of marriage that made it possible for me to reclaim my sexuality. Perhaps it is because my surgery was less invasive. However, I guess I boldly refuse to let breast cancer take or damage my sexuality. After all, much like an abusive partner, breast cancer has threatened my life by invading my body and spreading to 2 lymph nodes. It has postponed my chances for carreer advancement at least temporarily while I get treatement. Breast cancer has p@$$#d me off and I will not let it take that sector of my life. I guess it helps to have a husband who knows the importance of loving the whole woman and not the body. Ladies, if you can do it, please refuse to allow breast cancer to take your femininity. Claim it!

lizzie17 said:

I used to say
that I am only a woman by my DNA......had a really hard time with everything you are talking about.
Now, I just came to terms with it--- I will never remarry....and I am OK with it.

I am like
I am like laughs_A_lot. I had a lumpectomy. It is different. My problem now is one side is bigger than the other.I am busting out at the seams on one side.A big bulge but the other side slightly smaller. Husband used to tell me how to dress before cancer.Like you are wearing a low cut top.You look terrible etc.Now he doesn't say a word.In fact he says you are busting out at the seams.I can't help it.I go to buy a 36D bra but can't find one with the type I want. I know it will be a tad bit bigger on the one side but I have no choice.

Like someone said her husband is fine with her surgery.She was the one having a hard time. Some men are more understanding.Some aren't.If you are single and meet that special someone likely he will feel the same way. He will love you unconditionally.Those you find after a masectomy are the ones who really really want you for the who you are now. Truthfully I'm not sure how my husband would react.Even though I am 64 and he's older he is not a understanding person.My dx changed him only because I said he had to change.

My mom was 21 and had a masectomy. She never threw her surgery up to my dad.My sisters and I never heard that at all.My dad also never said anything out of context when they were in a argument. Not a issue. They did lead different lives.Dad was a workaholic.Mom a stay at home person.They were so young to have this put on them that many years ago.Not as easy as things are today. Mom's dx was 1941(I was born 1947).

When you meet that special someone he is def a keeper.They are out there.And you will meet him someday.

Lynn Smith

Dawne.Hope said:

No answers ... just some thoughts
Hi csr771 -

I don't have any answers I just have some thoughts ... I've thought about this issue a lot. I had a DMX in February of 2010 with immediate reconstruction with TE's. Then I had my exchange surgery to silicone implants in July 2010. In some ways it was better than I thought ... in others it wasn't. I think I'm still processing emotionally everything that's happened.

I too am single and young and wonder what kind of impact having no natural breasts will have on any kind of relationship I'll have in the future. Will he bail? Will he run away? Will he find me repulsive and disgusting? I wonder these things. I was very athletic before all this bc nightmare ... I wasn't a frilly kind of girl but since my surgery I've found I dress up more ... I wear high heels more, I paint my fingernails and toenails ... I wear necklaces and bracelets where before I thought they were frivilous. I often think a psychologist would have a heydey psychoanalyzing me ... I think more than ever before I WANT to look pretty, whereas I just took it for granted. It's kind of made me embrace my feminine side ... if that makes any sense.

As for getting over it ... I don't have a clue. I hope that over time we can come to terms with our new body. I hope over time we can find a man who will love for who we are and not what we look like naked. I think it is OK to embrace things maybe we held at bay before our surgeries ...

I don't know if this helps you ... but I've often thought about your questions ... thanks for letting me ramble and journal a bit.

We all know with our heads that our breasts do not define us but there isn't a how-to book on how to adjust as a woman without our breasts in a culture that bombards us with bodacious beautiful sexual women who are mostly defined by their bosoms. We need to know we are still beautiful, still feminine, still sexy even without our breasts. How to get to that point .... I don't know.

We are beautiful.
We are strong.
We are sexy.

No matter what our bodies look like.

xo

I am glad Dawne you share your thoughts
I did not wear pants and T-shirts for almost two years after my mastectomy and reconstruction!!! I was wearing dresses and skirts, blouse, scarfs and Jewelry
Sorry csr771 is long way to cope and find your own way of expressing you feminine side. Please keep searching, it is not an easy task.
Hugs

laughs_a_lot said:

I like your attitude
You said you will keep working on yourself. This is exactly the attitude that will most prepare you to find someone special who is in love with all of you. And also it is still the best stance to be in if you don't find that someone special. In other words your attitude puts you in the win/win category. I am not that far behind you at age 55. Even before bc I had a line of thinking that said if something ever happened to DH I probably would not be looking for another. However, the truth is that men have a much harder time being single than women do. Given thier propensity for needing women, makes it possible that you could find a real man who is not interested in your body alone.

It really is all about attitude
I had a bilateral mastectomy in 2009 (I am 55). Although I am married, it's not a great relationship, so it's better to wait for the right guy than settle. But he is a good man, and my reconstructed breasts have never stopped him from wanting to have sex (lol)!! And most of the people I know, men and women, know about my surgeries, and I still find that men flirt. So I do think it's all about attitude, confidence, and acting happy, even when you don't necessarily feel it ("Fake it till you make it...").
Hang in there. I know plenty of older, single guys who care more about finding a woman they can talk to and who has a good sense of humor than they do about breast-appeal.
You being happy with you is the most inportnant thing. The rest will follow.