Can't believe this s$@%!!!

mswijiknyc
mswijiknyc Member Posts: 421
in Grief and Bereavement #1
Went out of town to visit my grandparent, who raised me until I was 15. Thought I needed the time away and they always offered to pay for the train ticket (not happening) and asked repeatedly when I was coming up.

Think this was the biggest mistake I have made so far.

My grandmother has been almost itching for a fight since the first few hours I got here. This evening she started screaming at me about how bad my uncle has it (he is a missionary in Europe) and I am not the only one who has had difficulties. Then we got on the subject of how I was when I was younger and she lays the guilt on how she tried and tried and I just was never happy. Um, hello? Do you remember being 13 and 14? Were you happy?

Pat will be gone 2 months on Sunday. When I said this all she says is "oh, we know," the goes about her business like nothing happened.

It took 2 hours on the phone with my best friend to calm me down, and another hour off and on with someone very near and dear (he was at work) to calm me down. Both of them (they've never spoken to each other, and didn't know what the other had said) said the same thing: what she did was crap and was uncalled for. Makes me feel a bit better, but not by much because I still have to be here until Monday.

I quit. Family SUCKS.

Comments

  • Stargzr
    Stargzr Member Posts: 47
    #2
    Family!?!
    (((HUGS))) Sorry this happened. What hurts the most is that this is the time we could really use a little love and warmth (if not understanding) from our family. If someone hasn't lost a life partner, they simply cannot understand the depth of the grief. I've come to realize that when most people (family included) ask how I'm doing - they don't want to know that I'm in anguish. This makes it very lonely and I think it makes us feel the loss of our loved one all the more. (Ironically, only my husband would understand the depth of my pain.)

    Yes, family often sucks!!!
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #3
    Age
    I'm only guessing, but could this have something to do with your grandmothers age. Many older people grew up in a time when you were not supposed to talk about grief. Also, death is often a subject they simply don't discuss. They tend to avoid talking about the person who died, too Whatever, I am sorry they can't be more understanding. It is too bad that this time away from home is not turning out well. I'm glad you have friends you can turn to. Those month dates still get me. I'm doing better at just acknowledging them and going about my day, but I still feel the loss more on the 20th of each month. Don't know why, I just do.

    Do whatever you need to do now. Can you leave early? If not, take a long walk. Find a good book to read. Just get out of the house. If you can't do any of that, take a deep breath or two or four. Chalk the difficult remarks up to senility even if they aren't. Unfortuneately, some people think it is alright to make hurtful remarks as they get older. My late mother-in-law used to say she was just speaking her mind. She was being rude is what she was doing.

    Take care of yourself. I hope you have good weather and can enjoy the sun. Fay
  • mswijiknyc
    mswijiknyc Member Posts: 421
    #4
    grandmafay said:

    Age
    I'm only guessing, but could this have something to do with your grandmothers age. Many older people grew up in a time when you were not supposed to talk about grief. Also, death is often a subject they simply don't discuss. They tend to avoid talking about the person who died, too Whatever, I am sorry they can't be more understanding. It is too bad that this time away from home is not turning out well. I'm glad you have friends you can turn to. Those month dates still get me. I'm doing better at just acknowledging them and going about my day, but I still feel the loss more on the 20th of each month. Don't know why, I just do.

    Do whatever you need to do now. Can you leave early? If not, take a long walk. Find a good book to read. Just get out of the house. If you can't do any of that, take a deep breath or two or four. Chalk the difficult remarks up to senility even if they aren't. Unfortuneately, some people think it is alright to make hurtful remarks as they get older. My late mother-in-law used to say she was just speaking her mind. She was being rude is what she was doing.

    Take care of yourself. I hope you have good weather and can enjoy the sun. Fay

    took a hike
    I called Amtrak and got my ticket changed from Monday to today (Saturday). I fed a line about how the ticket was wrong and I called to check and see if the weather would affect travel. I don't care if they bought it or not, I got out and now I'm back home. I had forgotten just how manipulative my grandmother can be, and how she uses guilt as a weapon. This trip taught me 2 things: 1) do not go alone always bring an outsider - friend, someone special, etc. and 2) drive myself so if I want out early I'm not dependent on them for transportation.

    There is waaaaay more to this than I originally thought - I never thought my grandparents of all people would be vultures. Hence the whole spiel. We talked in general before I left and I saw the depth of the game and where it was headed. My my my my it's fun and very sad to know that I have outgrown my grandmother's BS and my grandfather's complicity in it.

    And you're right Fay, they don't understand. Don't think they ever will.
  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811
    #5
    mswijiknyc said:

    took a hike
    I called Amtrak and got my ticket changed from Monday to today (Saturday). I fed a line about how the ticket was wrong and I called to check and see if the weather would affect travel. I don't care if they bought it or not, I got out and now I'm back home. I had forgotten just how manipulative my grandmother can be, and how she uses guilt as a weapon. This trip taught me 2 things: 1) do not go alone always bring an outsider - friend, someone special, etc. and 2) drive myself so if I want out early I'm not dependent on them for transportation.

    There is waaaaay more to this than I originally thought - I never thought my grandparents of all people would be vultures. Hence the whole spiel. We talked in general before I left and I saw the depth of the game and where it was headed. My my my my it's fun and very sad to know that I have outgrown my grandmother's BS and my grandfather's complicity in it.

    And you're right Fay, they don't understand. Don't think they ever will.

    Wow
    April,
    I was surprised when I read how your grandmother was. I'm sure you were looking forward to getting away, but sorry it turned out the way it did. Sometimes it's hard to understand people, relatives or not. My sister expected me to not be crying anymore after one frickin month. But like others have said, no one knows how it feels to lose the love of your life until it happens to them. That's why as weird as it is that none of us have ever met on this site, yet we feel like we are so close because we understand what it's like. Right?
    I know it's 2 months today since Pat died so hope you're doing okay. Even though it's been a year since I lost Tom, I started crying today listening to one of the CD's that he loved. Memories are hard to deal with. Last night I went to listen to one of our friends in a band & kept looking over at the place where Tom & I always sat and got tears in my eyes. I'm still pissed cause we were supposed to grow old together & question why was he taken from me. Well guess I'm rambling, so I'll stop. Hope you're back home safe! Carole
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #6
    mswijiknyc said:

    took a hike
    I called Amtrak and got my ticket changed from Monday to today (Saturday). I fed a line about how the ticket was wrong and I called to check and see if the weather would affect travel. I don't care if they bought it or not, I got out and now I'm back home. I had forgotten just how manipulative my grandmother can be, and how she uses guilt as a weapon. This trip taught me 2 things: 1) do not go alone always bring an outsider - friend, someone special, etc. and 2) drive myself so if I want out early I'm not dependent on them for transportation.

    There is waaaaay more to this than I originally thought - I never thought my grandparents of all people would be vultures. Hence the whole spiel. We talked in general before I left and I saw the depth of the game and where it was headed. My my my my it's fun and very sad to know that I have outgrown my grandmother's BS and my grandfather's complicity in it.

    And you're right Fay, they don't understand. Don't think they ever will.

    Glad
    I'm glad you were able to leave earlier. I keep reminding myself that I can't change others. I can only change my reactions to them. One of Doug' s little goals was to outlive his mother, partly because he didn't want me to have to deal with her without him. She could be very difficult and manipulative at times. He did out live her by several months, thanks to what he called PPMM (Power of Prayer and Modern Medicine). I'm sure you want to stay connected to your grandparents, but you are right to plan to do it on your terms. You don't need difficult people making life even more difficult for you right now. Take care of yourself. Fay
  • skipper85
    skipper85 Member Posts: 229
    #7
    I Know What You Mean

    Your grandmother was way off base. She owes you an apology but I'm sure you won't get one. I found that my mother made my husband's death all about "her" and how she wouldn't have anyone to take care of her car or come to her aid when she had a problem. When my sister was dying of cancer my mom said all kinds of nutty things that made family members mad. I don't think she meant them the way they came out though. I'm sure your grandparents love you very much but they are in their own little world - leave them there. Move on April. I can tell you have lots of wonderful friends to support you and of course everyone here on the board.

    ((HUGS))

    Skipper
  • mswijiknyc
    mswijiknyc Member Posts: 421
    #8
    skipper85 said:

    I Know What You Mean

    Your grandmother was way off base. She owes you an apology but I'm sure you won't get one. I found that my mother made my husband's death all about "her" and how she wouldn't have anyone to take care of her car or come to her aid when she had a problem. When my sister was dying of cancer my mom said all kinds of nutty things that made family members mad. I don't think she meant them the way they came out though. I'm sure your grandparents love you very much but they are in their own little world - leave them there. Move on April. I can tell you have lots of wonderful friends to support you and of course everyone here on the board.

    ((HUGS))

    Skipper

    you're right - no apologies
    The best way someone explained the situation was this: it's like when a child of a Catholic family goes into the vocation. That child is now next to God and anyone who says anything negative about them is going to hell. This was a no win from the get go. The part that hurt the most is my grandmother telling me that others have had it worse than me. Pat has been gone 2 months last Sunday (17th). I am still finding out how to work with this, and she tells me others (meaning her baby my uncle, my aunt, herself) have had it worse.

    For once, just once, would it have been so hard to table all of your CRAP and focus on what I needed?? I even told them before coming up that I needed to come up to get AWAY from nonsense. Still hurts, but at least they live all the way in the Adirondacks and have told me without saying so they will never come to visit me. All for the better, they couldn't handle my life.

    And yes Skipper, my friends (you included) rock. My family Cannot Understand Normal Thinking, but all my friends do. Hope you caught the acronym!

    Loves,
    April

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