Need Advice

Pumakitty
Pumakitty Member Posts: 652
in Head and Neck Cancer #1
Hey guys!

My mom and I need some help. Have anyone of you experienced a complete change in personality after finishing treatment. My dad finished in June of 2010 and during the last couple of months has changed completly. He is very angry with my mother and yells at her all the time. He has no interest in doing anything around the house and has no clue what is going on around him most of the time. He used to worry about bills, getting groceries and other simple every day things. Now he waits for somebody else to do those things. I have made every attempt for him to help with things that he physically can do. Then there are days he is the sweet loving father he has always beem. He is on medication for anxiety and depression, they had him on a stronger dose but that made him like zombie.

Please give me any advice or experience would me great.


Kathy

Comments

  • sweetblood22
    sweetblood22 Member Posts: 3,228
    #2
    It definitely sounds like
    It definitely sounds like your father is depressed. Sometimes more meds are not the answer, he could need a different one instead. He may also be angry. That anger can really consume you. I get anti social sometimes. Sometimes I really get angry that I have had so much taken away from me in the last four years. (marriage, my home, my dogs, my job, my health, my looks....) I still deal with this periodically. I'm in one of my ruts right now, but they don't last like they used to. Maybe your dad needs to talk to someone. Some therapy could really help your dad too.

    It's really hard to have your life ripped out from under you. As much as some side effects do go away, there are some both physical and mental, that just don't fade. Some people can't fight the anger and resentment and get bitter. Would your dad go speak to someone? Getting him to go might be a difficult task. Even just going to talk with clergy, if you guys attend some service. I met with my reverend quite a few times when my ex husband cheated abd I left. It really helped me talk to someone I knew would hold my trust and wouldn't judge. It felt better to just be honest abd unburden myself.

    I needed him through treatment a few times, but it was hard to do again, even though I desperately needed it, my grandmother would not give me the privacy I needed in this house for me to get my pastoral care. She doesn't understand he was coming to see me and not her. Wouldn't respect me when I asked for alone time with Fr Dave. Ended up a couple times when I was at my wits end going into my room and sitting on my bed to talk to him. Which was awkward, but I was very ill at the time...

    Anyway, I know it's hard to watch some one you love go through this. Have to talk with him and try to get him to get back on track. Sometimes it's hard to have these honest conversations to try and help our loved ones. I just had to sit down with my gram and try and talk to her about things that needed to be said.

    Good luck

    Sweet
  • Pumakitty
    Pumakitty Member Posts: 652
    #3
    sweetblood22 said:

    It definitely sounds like
    It definitely sounds like your father is depressed. Sometimes more meds are not the answer, he could need a different one instead. He may also be angry. That anger can really consume you. I get anti social sometimes. Sometimes I really get angry that I have had so much taken away from me in the last four years. (marriage, my home, my dogs, my job, my health, my looks....) I still deal with this periodically. I'm in one of my ruts right now, but they don't last like they used to. Maybe your dad needs to talk to someone. Some therapy could really help your dad too.

    It's really hard to have your life ripped out from under you. As much as some side effects do go away, there are some both physical and mental, that just don't fade. Some people can't fight the anger and resentment and get bitter. Would your dad go speak to someone? Getting him to go might be a difficult task. Even just going to talk with clergy, if you guys attend some service. I met with my reverend quite a few times when my ex husband cheated abd I left. It really helped me talk to someone I knew would hold my trust and wouldn't judge. It felt better to just be honest abd unburden myself.

    I needed him through treatment a few times, but it was hard to do again, even though I desperately needed it, my grandmother would not give me the privacy I needed in this house for me to get my pastoral care. She doesn't understand he was coming to see me and not her. Wouldn't respect me when I asked for alone time with Fr Dave. Ended up a couple times when I was at my wits end going into my room and sitting on my bed to talk to him. Which was awkward, but I was very ill at the time...

    Anyway, I know it's hard to watch some one you love go through this. Have to talk with him and try to get him to get back on track. Sometimes it's hard to have these honest conversations to try and help our loved ones. I just had to sit down with my gram and try and talk to her about things that needed to be said.

    Good luck

    Sweet

    Thanks Sweet
    You are right it is hard. I had a very long talk about 2 weeks ago and everything was fine for awhile. I can not imagine I could get him to talk with someone. He started off directing his anger at my mom and now it is at both of us. He gets angry when I go ahead and do things, but they need to be done.

    I think you are right about him being angry about losing things. And I do not think that you lost your looks, I think you are very pretty.

    I get angry and mad at him for the way he treats my mom and then I feel bad. I am just having a really crappy day that started last night.

    My coworker is having a similar problem with her mother. We both had a good cry at work this morning.

    Kathy
  • adventurebob
    adventurebob Member Posts: 691
    #4
    Personality
    Hi Kathy,

    I have experienced it for myself. I get stuck some days and just can't/won't snap out of it. I get frustrated with myself for being so much slower and for getting tired easier. I get frustrated with the ringing in my ears sometimes too, slowly driving me crazy. Sometimes I get "chemo brain" stuff and get a little foggy and forgetful. I also am still unsure how to navigate this new life. I have been an athlete all my life and used to being the healthiest, strongest person I know. Now I am slow and require some help sometimes. It is difficult for me to ask for it and I get embarrassed when people volunteer. I do see a counselor sometimes and it helps; she puts things in perspective for me. Prayer helps me tremendously but I kinda tough out situations and don't ask for God's help until it's unbearable. Stubborn. Exercise snaps me out of it fastest but often I have to force myself out the door to do it, which is frustrating as I have been an exercise nut all my life.
    I don't really have any advice for you but I understand what your dad is going through. I understand that it's difficult for you and your mother also. Seems like for everything that goes south with us cancer survivors it's always good to go back to the basics: hydration, nutrition (especially calories), exercise, good sleep and consulting with the professionals about meds.
    I hope things take a good turn for your family and your dad has some peace. This new life is more difficult than the old one. Lots of love and patience is required.

    Bob
  • palmyrafan
    palmyrafan Member Posts: 396
    #5
    Anger & Depression
    What you are talking about is normal. We go through the stages of grief, anger, acceptance, denial, etc. more than once. Anytime there is new intervention or tests or news about our treatment or cancer, we can go through those emotions again.

    Your husband feels helpless. His whole life as he knows it no longer exists. I am 17 years post surgery and 15 years post radiation with more treatment about to start up again. But in that time, I still have had issues accepting my new "normal". I no longer work; that really bothers me. I loved having a good job and feeling like I was contributing to the household. But with a lot of love and guidance, my husband has convinced me that I am where God wants me. It has been hard, but being in therapy has helped.

    I realized I needed to accept my new normal. It doesn't mean I can't do the things I used to do, it means that now I have to do things in moderation. I learned how to pace myself so i wouldn't tire out.

    As you are the caregiver, I can't stress enough how important it is that you take care of yourself. When you are tempted to get angry, remember it is the cancer that is causing the problems, not your husband. Get mad at the cancer, not your husband. Hard to do, I know, but that is how my husband and I get through this. Take time for you. Explore your passions. Spend time with family, friends or others who can help. If others offer their help to you, take it. But give yourself a break too. There is nothing worse than resentment building over something that there is no control over.

    It takes time, but with love and a lot of patience, there are brighter days ahead.

    Good luck!
  • sweetblood22
    sweetblood22 Member Posts: 3,228
    #6
    Pumakitty said:

    Thanks Sweet
    You are right it is hard. I had a very long talk about 2 weeks ago and everything was fine for awhile. I can not imagine I could get him to talk with someone. He started off directing his anger at my mom and now it is at both of us. He gets angry when I go ahead and do things, but they need to be done.

    I think you are right about him being angry about losing things. And I do not think that you lost your looks, I think you are very pretty.

    I get angry and mad at him for the way he treats my mom and then I feel bad. I am just having a really crappy day that started last night.

    My coworker is having a similar problem with her mother. We both had a good cry at work this morning.

    Kathy

    Kathy
    Thank you KitKat. Sometimes a good cry helps too.

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