Adolescents and moms with BC

BioAdoptMom
BioAdoptMom Member Posts: 358
edited April 2011 in Breast Cancer #1
Our youngest, a DD, is 11. Our two oldest are 23 and 20, all are still home and know I have BC (was diagnosed this January). So far the boys have asked a few questions, one frequently will just clean the house if he is off (I think his way of coping since he was never asked on those occasions) and the other and his GF made a care basket for me, so they are at least somewhat open with it at times. Our DD won't say much of anything. Last night just she, I and DH were in the car and were almost home, I told her about my upcoming chemo and that I would lose my hair. I emphasized (with all 3 actually) that it didn't mean they found more cancer, but just that the doctors want to do everything they can to keep it from coming back in the future (true). Her response last night was as if she were saying "OK already, can I please now just get back to texting my friends?" The only thing she has mentioned about this entire thing to any of us was the night that DH asked her when they were alone in the car if she was worried about mommy. She said yes. He talked to her a bit and told her if she had any questions she could ask us anything. She has never said another word. Is this normal? Should be be worried? Her school guidance counselor does know and has shared this with her other teachers with my permission (6th grade, middle school). I thought about sharing my concerns with her favorite teacher (DD adores her and she has actually even expressed her concern to me and offered her prayers) and asking her to keep an eye on her for me especially since I shared our latest news. Is there anything else I should be doing?

PS - I have asked a similar question before but now the chemo changes things quite a bit - didn't think I would be having it earlier.

Thanks!

Nancy

Comments

  • Cinkal
    Cinkal Member Posts: 161
    #2
    I have a ten year old
    I have a ten year old daughter and 8 yr old son. My daughter doesn't talk about it much to me but I found out she does to her friends. My son asks a lot more questions and gives me a lot of hugs. But he also has been misbehaving more. I had my first chemo last week and my daughter was very helpful and I noticed how mature she was being. She still didn't open up much to me though. I think it is just hard for them to talk to us about our illness. I am sure your daughter is taking in everything you are telling her. Just keep the communication line open. I have involved my daughter in helping pick out scarves and a wig. I know she is worried for me to lose my hair, which should be any day now. I had my husband take pictures of me in my room while I was getting the chemo so the kids could see how it went. The room was very nice with a flat screen and couch. I think seeing the picture lessened their anxiety.
    I believe every child is different and reacts differently. We as a family are taking it one day at a time and see how it goes. My first treatment went smoothly. The first week was a little hazy but I was able to do most of my daily work and walk 30 minutes a day. By day seven I was feeling like my normal self. I know it is cumulative and the fatigue will get worse, but it was not as bad as I anticipated.
    Good luck on your journey.
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #3
    Cinkal said:

    I have a ten year old
    I have a ten year old daughter and 8 yr old son. My daughter doesn't talk about it much to me but I found out she does to her friends. My son asks a lot more questions and gives me a lot of hugs. But he also has been misbehaving more. I had my first chemo last week and my daughter was very helpful and I noticed how mature she was being. She still didn't open up much to me though. I think it is just hard for them to talk to us about our illness. I am sure your daughter is taking in everything you are telling her. Just keep the communication line open. I have involved my daughter in helping pick out scarves and a wig. I know she is worried for me to lose my hair, which should be any day now. I had my husband take pictures of me in my room while I was getting the chemo so the kids could see how it went. The room was very nice with a flat screen and couch. I think seeing the picture lessened their anxiety.
    I believe every child is different and reacts differently. We as a family are taking it one day at a time and see how it goes. My first treatment went smoothly. The first week was a little hazy but I was able to do most of my daily work and walk 30 minutes a day. By day seven I was feeling like my normal self. I know it is cumulative and the fatigue will get worse, but it was not as bad as I anticipated.
    Good luck on your journey.

    my daughters were a bit
    my daughters were a bit older. each one handled it differently. My oldest talked to her dad (20) and a counselor at the college. and my youngest(17) did not want to talk about it. when she was at school, I think she wanted to forget about it. neither child talked to me about it, but did not shy away from it if I talked about it. I was pretty sick, so that could have been it. I watched for behavioral changes, problems in school. both did fine. (one in college one in HS)
  • Katmy
    Katmy Member Posts: 93
    #4
    My children are younger: 12,
    My children are younger: 12, 9, 6. They handle it differently. My 12 year old (to be on the 22nd) speaks very little to me. He is concerned more with the infringement on his private life. Extra chores interfere with his own plans for his day. I read a book about children and cancer that said teenagers are more self absorbed and can seem non-sympathetic. But that is the stage of maturity they are caught in. Of course they care as deeply as other children.

    There does not seem to be always be a good time to support my children. Their teachers know. There is no school counselor for them to speak to. When I am done with the Chemo regiment, I hope to get the family into therapy together and separately. Maybe in a private session, my son will open up to someone and explore his feelings about me, cancer, death, etc.

    You know what will feel right for your teenager. I am only sharing what I will do with mine. I feel he is locked in this maturity rut where he cannot really get at his feelings about the outside world. He is the hardest to figure out.

    Good that older siblings can be a sounding board for your daughter. That is great.
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #5
    my kids at the time..diagnosed
    16 and 21 yrs...MY oldest one never has talked about it..asked anything ever-still to this day..even if knowing for tests, procedures etc...never once asked how was it, did you get results etc.

    my younger one didn't say much back then..but (now just 3 yrs) recently she said I feel bad you went to you appt alone, radiation etc..alone..why did you dod that..! I told her no need for someone to be with me..I did AOK! Each handle so much different , just like we do as patients. I would do the same Have teachers keep an eye on school, social etc..at school..

    Denise
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #6
    food for thought
    One thing that stood out...my youngest (then 16) so called friend said to her "I can't wait until your mom loses her hair!!" She did not tell me for awhile. IRONCIALLY I did not do CHEMO=just radiation. So MY point is: some kids may be mean-this HURT her very much (she finally told me) I JUST SAID it was mean, hurtful and immature AND comments did not HURT My feelings so dont' let them hurt hers!


    Denise
  • Heatherbelle
    Heatherbelle Member Posts: 1,226 Member
    #7
    my oldest daughter was 9
    my oldest daughter was 9 when i was diagnosed. ive been very open and honest with her about everything. she's come to a few dr appointments with me. during treatment she was awesome, helped me out alot with her baby sister, and basically helped take care of me (now she's being a snot, lol). we talked about it alot, and when my mom was diagnosed after i was, my daughter started having alot of questions & fears about her & her sister's health, and their chances of getting bc. we took her to see a counselor to talk to, both with me and by herself. your daughter may have fears regarding her own health also and not want to talk about that. i also talked to her teacher & principal at the beginning of the school year to let them know what's been going on. i think you're doing great, and just making sure your daughter knows the lines of communication are open is key. she'll come talk to you about it when she's ready.
    *hugs*
    heather
  • mwallace1325
    mwallace1325 Member Posts: 806
    #8
    My husband and I
    My husband and I have been raising our granddaughters since they were very little (2 & 5). They were 13 and 16 when I was diagnosed. I told them after I knew my treatment plan and always tried to be optimistic, although they saw plenty of days when I felt like cr*p during chemo. The 13 year old was the quietest and got through it well. She later told me that I'd told her what was happening, what treatment was going to be, how I was probably going to feel, that I'd lose my hair, which would grow back, and that after I'd be OK (still true, thank God) and that information helped her get through it. Her sister on the other hand, used the opportunity to totally act out and do just about everything you would not want a teen ager to do, including needing surgery for an ectopic pregnancy. Through all that (which she hid very well until the pregnancy) she seemed fine, understanding, and she talked about it more than her sister.

    I share all that so you know that your daughter being quiet isn't necessarily a bad thing, nor is talking necessarily a good thing. Keep an eye on her, and it's probably a good thing that the school is aware of the situation and will let you know if you should be concerned.

    Hope everyone comes through OK and that your concerns are for nothing.

    marge
  • laughs_a_lot
    laughs_a_lot Member Posts: 1,368 Member
    #9
    kids and cancer dx
    Just think about how adults process the information of having bc. So for a child this news can be mind boggling. A child who does not say much may be trying to sheild themselves from the diagnosis. "If I don't talk about it maybe it will be ok" (a sort of denial response). You have taken care of them for years and now perhaps there will be a turn around in the family dynamics. This also is a way to block out the serious nature of the disease as they think of the possibility of your mortality. All these things enter thier mind but they still are trying to sort out the thoughts and see which ones are most likely to be true so that they can make sense out of their new reality.

    However, the quiet child may also be thinking this, "If I am quiet and make no waves in the family it will be easier on mom." It can be a family preservation response from your child. They just want to fly under the radar and make things easier for mom and dad.

    The one who acts out is probably working on trying to figure out the outcome of your disease. It may be hard for them to conceptualize what your illness means for them in the short run and the long haul. When a child acts out it is often out of personal pain or fear, rather than an attack on the parent or grandparent.

    Being approachable regarding your children's or grandchildren's questions is about the best you can do, other than letting the school officials know. They may be able to build a special relationship with mentors at your church who have been in the same situation so that they can ask them some of the questions that are floating around in thier heads. Just continue to be approachable.
  • BioAdoptMom
    BioAdoptMom Member Posts: 358
    #10
    laughs_a_lot said:

    kids and cancer dx
    Just think about how adults process the information of having bc. So for a child this news can be mind boggling. A child who does not say much may be trying to sheild themselves from the diagnosis. "If I don't talk about it maybe it will be ok" (a sort of denial response). You have taken care of them for years and now perhaps there will be a turn around in the family dynamics. This also is a way to block out the serious nature of the disease as they think of the possibility of your mortality. All these things enter thier mind but they still are trying to sort out the thoughts and see which ones are most likely to be true so that they can make sense out of their new reality.

    However, the quiet child may also be thinking this, "If I am quiet and make no waves in the family it will be easier on mom." It can be a family preservation response from your child. They just want to fly under the radar and make things easier for mom and dad.

    The one who acts out is probably working on trying to figure out the outcome of your disease. It may be hard for them to conceptualize what your illness means for them in the short run and the long haul. When a child acts out it is often out of personal pain or fear, rather than an attack on the parent or grandparent.

    Being approachable regarding your children's or grandchildren's questions is about the best you can do, other than letting the school officials know. They may be able to build a special relationship with mentors at your church who have been in the same situation so that they can ask them some of the questions that are floating around in thier heads. Just continue to be approachable.

    What can I say except thank
    What can I say except thank you my wise and empathetic friends!

    Nancy

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