overwhelmed and lonely

mswijiknyc said:

yup
been there hun, and got the T-shirt to prove it too. I used to cut myself too, and I realized that physical pain is so much easier to deal with than emotional pain. Physical pain goes away, emotional pain you gotta deal with.

I will say you stopped at the right place. Every one here has been where you are, even for a little while. When Pat was actively going to appointments, I was happy and felt blessed I was fired from my job and got unemployment. I was getting paid to do for Pat! I didn't have anyone to really help me with anything, maybe a ride somewhere that was all. It sucks big to feel so alone and so very very very TIRED.

You may need to forcefully tell your sibs that you need help NOW. Don't give them any options, just say, "Dad needs __________ and you are going to help with that. I have another commitment." If they balk, tell them that's fine, but they should not be surprised if they no longer receive updates about Dad as you are too busy to call them if they are too busy for you. Busting chops is hard at first, but the payoff is great. Also, see if maybe some friends of yours can help out, or friends of the family. Sometime people want to help but aren't sure how.

Lastly, if you ever feel that you're wanting to do more than cutting, GO SEE A DOC PRONTO. Cutting isn't the best way to deal, and you could probably use the doc visit anyhow. If you need something, message me through CSN and I will do what I can. CSN Chat is always available too whenever you need an ear. A lot of awesome people here that can help. You AREN'T alone - reach out

Hugs and Loves,
April

inadequate anyone?
Your feelings of inadequacy come through loud and clear - are you by any chance a middle child?

It sounds like you are afraid to demand that others step up - everyone seems to be expecting things out of you and you feel inadequate telling them you can't do it all.

Remember - you can do it all, because you are. You are doing it much better than any of them could. However, it is not fair that you do it all. Think about it that way - you are not telling them to step up because you are failing (you're not) - you are telling them to step up because that is the fair and right thing to do.

To be fair to the rest - sometimes people don't know what to do. You are in the position now to tell them what to do. Stop thinking of yourself as Atlas holding up your father's world and start thinking of yourself as the coordinator of his care. You don't have to do it all, you just need to make sure someone is doing it. April's right - just call folks up and let them know you need them to take a particular duty on a particular day.

You are so much more than adequate - please remember that!

Overwhelmed and Lonely
I read your post and just felt like it was exactly how I've been feeling. My husband, Jerry was diagnosed on Dec. 22, 2010 with a brain tumor and had a 12 hour surgery to remove it on Dec. 29th. They got all the tumor!!!! However, he had to have 33 Radiation Treatments because it was cancer. He had his last treatment on March 31st and now begins the recovery period. We know it will be a long road for him and I'm so glad that he is doing as well as possible, but when he receives phone calls or visits it's always about how he is doing. Excuse me, but this has all effected me too...I am the caregiver!!!!!! No one seems to understand how I feel or even what's going on with me. Maybe I'm on my pity pot today, but sometimes I just can't help it. I'm an only child and both my parents are deceased. His family have been great, but they are going through the same thing and it's hard to share with them while they are struggling too. Once again with them it's all about him!!!! I just don't seem to have anyone to share all my feelings with.....

sometimes family is overrated
i am my son's primary care giving he is 5 months post bone marrow transplant and in remission from aml leukemia. my family is 2 hours away and small but try to help. my husband and his family never had the stomache for the realities of the illness. i spent most of six months living inpatient with my son with only 4 nights of relief from anyone else. when we came home for a brief period during chemo my friends and my family cleaned sanitized organized and decorated my home to help me and make it special. i didnt have to ask. you should tell your siblings to commit to a specific task. But, dont be surprised if they dont step up.
the bright side is God will put amazing people in your path, people who get it, and want to help and support you. it feels weird, and people like us (yes me, i even used to cut myself in college, and been on meds for 10 years) that aquaintances and strangers care more and are more sincere and dependable than family but, they are. most cancer hospitals have mental health for patients and families. MSKCC does and they helped my survive the hell. my best source of support was other caregivers and the housekeeping and food services staff. I had a powerful surrogate family; i still see them when we make our out patient visits.
you are doing it. cancer strips live down to the bare esstenials, love, humor, faith. Keep a journal, try extra hard to connect and enjoy your dad, live for the moments. this may not bode well for your job or your apartment and bills, but those things can be replaced. my husband calls me a robot, i cant type what i like to call him.

elmdallastx said:

Thank you for your kind words and advice
I think today is much better. I took a break from going to the hospital and have focused on myself and my work today. I am thankful that people here understand me and I do not feel like I have imagined all this negativity, because my mom always downplays my frustration and makes me feel like I am a whiny child.

I am thankful for the wonderful nurses, techs, and doctors at Baylor who have taken care of my dad and have been friendly and caring, not just technical and medical.

Thank you for allowing me to vent my frustration and not making me feel like a whiny child.

I have not cut myself and feel that it may never get that bad, as long as I have people like you in my life.

I hope everyone's week starts off without a hitch. We can all use a good day.

finding balance
Yes, yes, you are doing the right thing by finding balance between the heaviest things in your life. I helped take care of my dad in the weeks before he died, and I would not trade a moment of that terrible time for anything.

Having good work to to helped a lot. When I could get in work mode and got some things done, it always made me feel better. Still does, now that I'm looking after my mother.

Should the right moment arise, ask your mother for a promotion from whiny daughter to top officer. I have a feeling she keeps setting things up the way they were when you were younger. My mother does it all the time! Sometimes when her anxiety level gets really high, she pushes every old button she can find. One day when she was crazed with it I said, look, we have to get along. She got quiet for a while, but she's been nicer ever since.

Good luck with this day.

elmdallastx said:

i know some days seem worse than others
I think I wrote my entry when I was feeling bad and just needed to put it out there.

I am sorry you don't have family to help you feel better. It's wonderful that his family is supporting you though. I don't get much support except from my mom, who manages to be a **** at the same time, excuse the language.

If you ever need to let it out I will be here. It's tough and you are doing well. You have honored your vows and remained a faithful wife. You are a good person and even though they may not say it to you but they are very lucky he married you.

Stay strong and give yourself a break, you deserve it.

Thank you so much for all
Thank you so much for all your kind comments, guess I just really needed to hear it from someone. I'm so very glad I found this site because I do need to just get out how I feel because no one else around here wants to hear it. As for taking a break, well I can't do that because my husband is so sick these days.(Vomiting after 33 radiation treatments) I don't even leave the house these days. If we need anything from the store his mother goes to town for us. Look forward to talking with you more.....

possible help
Hi,

I'm new to all this, and am my dad's caregiver. My siblings live in another city with jobs, children, etc. I happen to live in the larger city with the research hospital and cancer center 15 minutes from my house, so I am bearing a similar burden (though currently out patient). I talked with our hospital's outpatient Geriatric and Palliative Care Office. They help all cancer patients deal with symptoms and side effects regardless of diagnosis, but also offer caregiver support including a therapist. Perhaps the hospital you are at has caregiver support as well.

Our local Senior Citizens office also has a program for caregiver support. It's based on the senior citizen's needs, but aims to offer respite and personal care to the senior to help the caregiver have a break. A social came for a home visit with us last week about it, and we expect to hear soon.

Just some ideas! Hang in there!