I'm a wreck////

Lisa13Q
Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
in Caregivers #1
ok...i'm in tears as I write this....streamimg down my face...Mom seemed to be doing really well until last week and she has just nose dived....She has CT scan tomorrow and results Friday....I am convinced they are going to say hospice...She has OVCA and been on taxol..her CA-125 has gone way down, yet the last round of Taxol just kicked her butt...she is having pain and can hardly walk and sleeps all the time....it's been 3 weeks since her last Taxol..shouldn't she be improving? She never had pain...before.....I'm convinced hospice is going to come up...friday.....i know i shouldn't borrow trouble, but...you know what...last time I thought it would be great and the liver met had grown 2 inches in 2 months....help....someone bring me back to sanity....

Comments

  • tanker sgv
    tanker sgv Member Posts: 124 Member
    #2
    Sanity?
    I don't know what to say, but as I read ur post over and over I just see my mom and me watching her sleep wishing I knew what was happening to her. Good or bad I wanted to know right then. My mind racing a thousand MPH looking into the past trying to conect the dots so I can have an ancwer for any problems that might come up in the future. DAMN-IT just give me the results now not three days from now. Why am I crying because the signal light went from green straight to red, but at the Dr office I had a straight face and never shed one tear, am I losing my sanity? NO, it's not sanity your looking for, it took me a while before I realized that myself. You need reality, we tend to ignore reality when we want change. If u draw three squares on the ground and write a day of the week in each square . Put one foot on wendsday and the other foot on Friday and look down all ur doing is pissing on today. Today, Thursday is reality nothing that happened yesterday or Friday is changeable. When u look at ur mom sleeping be happy that the pain has calmed and her worries have eased allowing her mind and body to rest. When she walks be proud for she has strength to withstand the pain and move forward. So there's reality, ur sane, ur doing everything right . Your sanity just got in the way of reality. So may your mom walk to her bed and take a nap when she feels tired. Make ur mom smile if only for a second, embrace her when she gives u a hug she is lucky to have u on her side because it is your courge that puts her mind at ease and gives her strength with every step. Your courge to be there for her when u don't have to, but you choose to out of LOVE!!!
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #3
    Unknown
    It is the unknown that always causes us to worry the most. We want to be prepared for the worst while hoping for the best. It's tough. We also tend to fixate on the senario that is the worst, our greatest fear. You sound very normal to me. Insane would be if you weren't worried. I hope you hear the best tomorrow. If not, I can tell you that hospice is a real help. You will find the strength you need. Just being there, says that you are a loving daughter. As a mother, I can tell you that that is the greatest gift you can give your mom. Fay
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #4
    devastating news
    Oh, Lisa, this is such devastating news, but don't put anything past the chemo. Your mom has said she doesn't want anymore, so maybe now her body is doing the talking, saying enough, enough. That may be what this is all about...I have a feeling your mother is far from finished. Good luck with this day, and keep us posted.
  • cb girl
    cb girl Member Posts: 56 Member
    #5
    tanker sgv said:

    Sanity?
    I don't know what to say, but as I read ur post over and over I just see my mom and me watching her sleep wishing I knew what was happening to her. Good or bad I wanted to know right then. My mind racing a thousand MPH looking into the past trying to conect the dots so I can have an ancwer for any problems that might come up in the future. DAMN-IT just give me the results now not three days from now. Why am I crying because the signal light went from green straight to red, but at the Dr office I had a straight face and never shed one tear, am I losing my sanity? NO, it's not sanity your looking for, it took me a while before I realized that myself. You need reality, we tend to ignore reality when we want change. If u draw three squares on the ground and write a day of the week in each square . Put one foot on wendsday and the other foot on Friday and look down all ur doing is pissing on today. Today, Thursday is reality nothing that happened yesterday or Friday is changeable. When u look at ur mom sleeping be happy that the pain has calmed and her worries have eased allowing her mind and body to rest. When she walks be proud for she has strength to withstand the pain and move forward. So there's reality, ur sane, ur doing everything right . Your sanity just got in the way of reality. So may your mom walk to her bed and take a nap when she feels tired. Make ur mom smile if only for a second, embrace her when she gives u a hug she is lucky to have u on her side because it is your courge that puts her mind at ease and gives her strength with every step. Your courge to be there for her when u don't have to, but you choose to out of LOVE!!!

    Love one foot on Wed, other on Friday
    Seems that is what I've been doing the past 2 weeks as my husband has been in the hospital waiting for his discharge, today's his birthday, monday our 1st anniversary, knocked for a loop b/c they have to go back in x2 for air leak repair, that I can't focus on today and enjoy the fact we are here together, the cancer is out, just have to get thru this surgery (where he is right now). need to remember quit pissing on today. so simple, yet so true. And it made me laugh-I have a visual way of thinking. Thanks!
    Tracy
  • Lisa13Q
    Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
    #6
    Barbara53 said:

    devastating news
    Oh, Lisa, this is such devastating news, but don't put anything past the chemo. Your mom has said she doesn't want anymore, so maybe now her body is doing the talking, saying enough, enough. That may be what this is all about...I have a feeling your mother is far from finished. Good luck with this day, and keep us posted.

    HI Barbara
    Its the cancer...all over her abdomen.....doctor wants her to try avastin.....says its not marrow toxic.....and that it may make her feel better....I just hate watching her cry.....
  • yv1214
    yv1214 Member Posts: 72
    #7
    Lisa13Q said:

    HI Barbara
    Its the cancer...all over her abdomen.....doctor wants her to try avastin.....says its not marrow toxic.....and that it may make her feel better....I just hate watching her cry.....

    Lisa...
    I am sorry about your mom. My mom was on avastin for awhile and that was an easier type of chemo for her to handle in her system. So I hope this works out for her.

    I will say that I kind of understand how you feel. My mom for the past two days has had mini-meltdowns. She never cried when first dx two years ago. Nor when she had her mastectomy reconstructions, several rounds of chemos plus radiation. She is stage IV bc w/mets to the liver. The doctor said that we would continue treatment as much as she could. But since she is also a triple negative more mets have surfaced so we stopped a treatment.

    The doctor recommended hospice and so I set it up for in-house. This was a very hard thing for me to do. But she went as far this weekend to tell me that I want her to die which is why I keep her morphine. Last night she cried and told me that she is tired of being a burden and that we are letting her die because we are not giving her vitamins nor nutritional foods. I am very sad and frustrated because I have done everything to help. My sister tells me not to worry that this is the medication but it’s still hurtful.

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