Reconstruction

Hi everybody;
I am new here so I dont no if I'm doing this right.
I am 49. My mom died of breast cancer 4 years ago. She had it at 42 then at 58 the lump she was told was "nothing" had matastesized into bone cancer. They gave her 6 months, she lasated 3 years. I lost her at her age of 61. I miss her every single day.

I was diagnosed in August. September double masectomy. I was scared to death becaue I hadn't had a mamogram for 4 years. I had lost my ins and had no primary care doc. When I would call in October nobody asked if I had a family history; they just said "you need a doctor's referral. Pretty sad I received a ton of info on getting a mamo in the packet after I already had cancer.
My reconstruction was pulled a week before surgery. I live in Northern Calif apparently we dont have 1 single doctor that takes my insurance. My entire life is on hold waiting for this. I had a consultation 2 weeks ago; her first opening is in October. I thought ok I'll get a job. However if I get ajob I loost my insurance. This is a no win situation. I cannot believe our choice as woman for reconstruction is literally being called by insurance.
I mentally have not handled this very well. I feel like a monster. I am single after 30 years of marriage. A 4 year divorce frm hell. I lost everything, even my car. Sorry but when I was told and he admitted to molesting his neice Ithought I would die. Since I wouldn't come back and forgive him hepurposely but my ranch into foeclosure. My 250,000 inheritance bought it. I lost everything.
Court says I need a attorney for contempt of court for alimony, I'm supposed to get 1500.00 a month , begged for 100.00 for food 2 weeks after surgery, NO...didn't eat for 4 days.

Anyway, I am disguisted with the entire healcare system. I still dont look in the mirror, I cry all the time, I guess I didn't think I'd look like Mom. I look worse. I have a hole in my left side big enough for 2 golf balls?? That wasn't the side with the cancer??? During reconstructin they will take muscle from my back and try to build it back. I was fired 1 day after diagnosis, called back a week later, went back 6 weeks after double mas. 2 weeks later; fired again??? Yes I have a lawyer but they denied my unemployment ?? I lost disability a month ago. My doctor said I was as close to a nervous breakdown without a hospital as I could. Mental disability ended last month, I now have no income,
I will be homeless in 2 months,,,,I ask why, why,,,,
I want to go to school but I need to find financial aid to live on...
I'm sorry I'm rambling I guess I just needed to get it out. And please dont get me wronng. I am very, very thankful I was only stage 1. Chemo pills but no anymore. I just want to be able to wear a normal shirt;. These prostehiss are so hot I cant stand them alredy. Cant just wear a t shirt you can see my chest caved in.....
Thank You for listeaning.