Freaking Out

Survivor73
Survivor73 Member Posts: 135
in Breast Cancer #1
Hello All.

So, I am still waiting to see if I need chemo or not...I definately need rads...doing the onco testing to see how effective chemo will be, then will make decision on chemo. After they finish the bc treatment, I need surgery for a thryoid cancer reoccurance - the surgion and onco decided deal with the breast first.

In the mean time, the biopsy on the sentinal node showed no cancer, but did show inflamation...they thought it might be sarcoid, so my gp order a chest xray.

xray showed fullness in right lung...my gp was going to order a ct scan for me, in the mean time, saw my onco and he ordered a ct scan and got the appt 3 days later...so took that appt. The onco decided that since I have had two cancers that he would scan from the top of my head to my pelvis to look for mets.

Got the results on Thursday...the ct scan showed my lungs are clear - no sign of sarcoid...but it showed a mass near my right ovary...it measures 10 cm by 8 cm...and is pushing my uterus over. I also have 2 bone lesions - one in my head and one in my back.

They have scheduled an ultrasound for my pelvis (haven't got the appt yet - hopefully soon)

My gp said the bone lesions have probably been there a long time, so they are not urgent...I just don't know what I'm to do next...

If the ultrasound does not rule out cancer, I will need a biopsy and that means another surgery...I don't know if this should be before the breast cancer treatment or wait until after...

I keep finding more and more...and only as a fluke...if I had waited for my gp to order the ct scan, it would have only been for my chest...

I am thankful that they found it all and can only hope this is just an ovarian cyst...but what if it's not...what's next?

I can't go through the waiting again...I just want answers...now!!

I thought this last ct scan was supposed to tell me everything I needed to know...it just caused more questions/issues...when will it stop?

I'm tired of this ride...i want off...can someone please pull the cord so the driver stops so I can get off??? Ok, really, I'm ok...I have to be...it's my son's 14th birthday today...and my daughter is dancing on stage during the afternoon...whole family is coming over for cake and coffee tonight...

So, put this all on the back burner, cause I don't have time to feel sorry for myself - I must put on my happy face and pretend all is well...I have to go ice a cake...and figure out what else I haven't done...lol...at least I cleaned the house today so that's done...I'm just so overwhelmed...

Ok, finished venting for now...hope all is well everyone.

Comments

  • Ticky
    Ticky Member Posts: 117
    #2
    Praying for you.
    I am praying for you right now.

    Ticky
  • Hippiechick58
    Hippiechick58 Member Posts: 320
    #3
    Ticky said:

    Praying for you.
    I am praying for you right now.

    Ticky

    The What Ifs
    You are going through so much right now that you need to give yourself a break! I sometimes play the "what ifs" and it drives me insane! What if this and what if that...it's crazy-making! Time to slow down and take it one step at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time! You are a survivor. You must remember that. Whatever life throws at you, you will handle in its own time. Ice your cake, but you don't have to "put on a happy face," cancer sucks and it's okay to show your feelings. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    "May you be at Peace, May you be Free of Suffering,"
    Dianne
  • Lighthouse_7
    Lighthouse_7 Member Posts: 1,566 Member
    #4
    Hippiechick58 said:

    The What Ifs
    You are going through so much right now that you need to give yourself a break! I sometimes play the "what ifs" and it drives me insane! What if this and what if that...it's crazy-making! Time to slow down and take it one step at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time! You are a survivor. You must remember that. Whatever life throws at you, you will handle in its own time. Ice your cake, but you don't have to "put on a happy face," cancer sucks and it's okay to show your feelings. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    "May you be at Peace, May you be Free of Suffering,"
    Dianne

    My thoughts and prayers are
    My thoughts and prayers are with you. I understand wanting off the ride all too well. Just remember we have good days and bad, this helps me too because on the bad days, I just want to quit but then the next day I realize that "This too shall pass".
    I've been feeling overwhelmed lately for similar reasons, every scan or test seems to show something else.
    My blood work shows high calcium levels, hence more and more visits and tests. Now have an endocrinologist and found out have Hysimoto's (sorry I don't feel like looking up the spelling) and 2 nodules (parathyroid).

    Your post talks about the thyroid, is it cancer? Just wondering because my daughter is a survivor of that and is doing great now.
    Like I said, I have you in thoughts and prayers and we can do this, the warriors are in full force.
    HUGS,
    Wanda
  • Lighthouse_7
    Lighthouse_7 Member Posts: 1,566 Member
    #5
    Lighthouse_7 said:

    My thoughts and prayers are
    My thoughts and prayers are with you. I understand wanting off the ride all too well. Just remember we have good days and bad, this helps me too because on the bad days, I just want to quit but then the next day I realize that "This too shall pass".
    I've been feeling overwhelmed lately for similar reasons, every scan or test seems to show something else.
    My blood work shows high calcium levels, hence more and more visits and tests. Now have an endocrinologist and found out have Hysimoto's (sorry I don't feel like looking up the spelling) and 2 nodules (parathyroid).

    Your post talks about the thyroid, is it cancer? Just wondering because my daughter is a survivor of that and is doing great now.
    Like I said, I have you in thoughts and prayers and we can do this, the warriors are in full force.
    HUGS,
    Wanda

    Sorry, I just reread your
    Sorry, I just reread your post and see that you indeed have a recurrance of thyroid cancer.
    I should have read more closely but the brain is a little jumbled today.
  • LVG
    LVG Member Posts: 128
    #6
    I am certainly praying...
    Praying for your peace, strength & faith. I already you are strong - you are up and taking care of business this morning... Something I'm not I'd be able to pull off. I'm proud of you for keeping up with what's going on and urging forward for your family. Hoping you do as they tell us ~ let family and friends help you.

    In the midst of all of you have to do .. Stop by the site to SCREAM...gather yourself and go back with your smile.
    Bless you
  • skipper54
    skipper54 Member Posts: 936 Member
    #7
    add me
    to the list of those praying for you and for peace and for quick answers. The waiting is always the worst.
  • Katmy
    Katmy Member Posts: 93
    #8
    My bc cancer was derailed
    My bc cancer was derailed for a day or two by something found on a test run for my Onc. Radiologist. I just zoned out of life when I could and went numb. Thinking of the possibilities and changes in current therapy was so much to comprehend. I am thinking of you and hope you can quiet your mind of cancer while "life" can occupy you. It is a most difficult thing to do.
    Now, bc treatment is started and I wonder, "what will they find later, during follow ups, etc." Maybe the incidentals that they find will always cause stress beyond comprehension. I don't know.

    Hope you are feeling better after writing to the group.
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
    #9
    I'm adding my thoughts and
    I'm adding my thoughts and prayers of peace and calm for you. I hope you're able to enjoy the time with your family today.

    Hugs,

    Linda
  • camul
    camul Member Posts: 2,537
    #10
    Also add my thoughts and
    Also add my thoughts and prayers to the list that you can enjoy your family today and the weekend. The rest can be dealt with on Monday!

    Remember we are all with you!
    ~Carol
  • jessiesmom1
    jessiesmom1 Member Posts: 915 Member
    #11
    Full plate
    I must say that you certainly have a lot on your plate right now. Don't you wish it was only chocolate cake? My children were 17 (high school senior) and 19 (college sophmore) when I was diagnosed with breast cancer so I can relate when you say that you do not have time to feel sorry for yourself. As moms we tend to put our kids (and sometimes our partners/husbands) above ourselves until we just can't help it anymore and crash. When the birthday celebration is over tonight you will hopefully have a moment alone to try to process all that is going on. Someone recently posted a thread asking if it was ever OK to feel sorry for yourself. In my humble opinion the answer is yes, do it then move on. You have a lot to live for. You will be in our thought and prayers as you work through all of this. IRENE
  • cahjah75
    cahjah75 Member Posts: 2,631
    #12
    Waiting is the worse!
    You have a lot on your plate. Take a deep breath and focus on the now. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you wait to find out what will be next. Hopefully all will be ok with the ultrasound. It seems to me that chemo would be able to treat all of the cancers???
    {{hugs}} Char
  • BioAdoptMom
    BioAdoptMom Member Posts: 358
    #13
    Wow, you have so much on
    Wow, you have so much on your plate. No wonder you are "freaking out"! I am so sorry you are having to deal with this all at the same time. As far as the kids' activities, birthdays, etc. I totally understand what you are saying. All 3 of ours are at home and the youngest is 11. She is involved in so much and sometimes I get so frustrated because I just want to take care of me, but I can't. I totally relate to that and hope you were able to still enjoy your day with your family and friends. It can be hard though.

    I think things are hardest when we don't have answers and feel out of control. That is where you are right now. I wish I knew what the answer for that is, other than to just pray and try to find time to do something relaxing you enjoy. Someone on here last night suggested journaling. I haven't tried that yet, but maybe it would help to write down your feelings.

    You and I seem to have a lot of similarities with our breast cancer. I was diagnosed in mid January and am also waiting for my Oncotype score to come back. I will have rads after chemo if chemo is needed. When were you diagnosed? I am guessing it must be a recent diagnosis for you as well.

    (((HUGS))) and prayers!

    Nancy
  • ladyg
    ladyg Member Posts: 1,577
    #14
    I know how
    hard it is to put on a happy face when you are so worried about what is going to happen next. Try to enjoy the Birthday party. I will keep you in my thoughts and send you some positive energy.

    Hugs,
    Georgia
  • sbmly53
    sbmly53 Member Posts: 1,522
    #15
    Oh, Honey,
    You sure got more than your share. Waiting is very hard. I am joining the others in prayers and positive thoughts.

    Big hugs,

    Sue
  • Survivor73
    Survivor73 Member Posts: 135
    #16
    sbmly53 said:

    Oh, Honey,
    You sure got more than your share. Waiting is very hard. I am joining the others in prayers and positive thoughts.

    Big hugs,

    Sue

    Thanks for you words....
    The family party went ok...the kid party tomorrow, but that should be easy...cupcakes are done, drinks done, pizza ordered...hockey and swimming...I just have to watch both...I can handle that!

    Told a few of my family members what's going on...it's funny...no one even asked how I was handling things...they did say take it easy, etc when they left, but they all seem not to want to talk about it. Like I said, put on the happy face and pretend all is well:)

    I get more out of talking to work friends then family sometimes...that said, some of my sisters (there are 8 kids in my family) are great...then there are some that didn't know I had breast cancer since they hadn't called in the last 2 months to find out the results of my surgery(they were all told at xmas)...I guess I was supposed to call them to inform them...lol.

    To: BioAdoptMom...yes, I had my first surgery in Jan, second in Feb. My biopsy in Dec was originaly only suspicious of bc, so they only did the lump during the first surgery, then went back and did the sentinal nodes. My bc was mucinous - 1.4 cm grade 2/3...what was yours? When do you get your onco report? My appt is on Apr 18th to get results if they are in. I don't know what I'll do if it's in the middle...I'm starting to think since the new found mass that they found that maybe I should just do the chemo...but I'll want answers on what the mass is first...hopefully I'll have that prior to the 18th...but I doubt it will happen that fast.

    Anyway, it sure is nice to be able to talk about what is going on...without anyone judging or telling my to stop worrying...noone can understand how scary it is once you have had cancer...my one sis has had both thyroid and breast cancer and she gets it...the rest keep saying you don't know yet, wait for the tests, etc...stop assuming the worst...etc

    I figure if I get myself ready for the worst, then I'll only be really happy when I'm wrong...lol, ok maybe that's a bad way to try to deal...it's hard to see anything as not being cancer...

    About journaling...I have dealt with depression and anxiety in the past and found that I'm not much of a journaler...a lot of it is that I would be terrified if someone else read my most inner thoughts...they had suggested that I take the papers and put them in the bbq and burn them so noone else would see them...but I just can't put it down in writing...I really find typing like this to help a lot...the understanding that I get back is so helpful...it removes the guilt faster than anything else...I'm an overachiever and when I can't do it all, I feel really guilty...knowing that I am entitled to a break is very helpful.

    Thanks for letting me vent...take care all. I better get some sleep so I can deal with the 20 kids at my sons party tomorrow...:) Believe it or not, they will be easier to handle (for me) then my family...they won't expect conversations other then: Do you want another slice of pizza? Or dressing room #3...lol

Discussion Boards