I cannot believe that my beloved husband is gone.

Stargzr
Stargzr Member Posts: 47
in Grief and Bereavement #1
I wake up each morning and think that this cannot be. I lost him almost 3 weeks ago on March 13th after a 1-1/2 year battle with salivary gland and thyroid cancers that spread to his lungs. He had surgery to remove his glands, followed by 6 weeks of radiation. He had a second surgery after he learned that the remaining half of his thyroid was cancerous. It seems that the pathologist never looked at all the slides when he was on the operating table during the first surgery! Two months after the second surgery, we found out that the cancer had spread to both lungs. He did chemo in Germany, and he did great for 7 months. He started doing chemo here in December and ended up with pneumonia twice in February. He body just couldn’t fight back. I guess I was in denial, but I didn’t realize that he was dying until 2 days before his death. He was a wonderful, loving, and kind man. He was my soul mate, my best friend! We were married for 18 glorious years, and we have a 14 year old. I’m trying to stay strong for my son so that I can keep my husband’s memory and spirit alive, but, it’s so hard because my heart aches. My nights are the hardest, because I usually end up second guessing every decision that we made during his battle with cancer.

Comments

  • Beckymarie
    Beckymarie Member Posts: 357
    #2
    Welcome
    You have come to the right place. You will hear from so many who have gone through and continue to go through similar experiences. The death of a loved one is very hard. Your spouse is your partner through life and when he/she is gone, life becomes a difficult journey. My husband died of brain cancer at the age of 56. We were married 32 years. It has been almost 10 months since his passing and some days have become a little easier than others.

    Don't second guess your decisions. You did the best with what you had at the time. And yes try to stay strong for your son. There are some wonderful people on this discussion board and sometimes at your lowest point someone will post something that can make you feel a little better.

    I am sorry for your loss and will keep you and your son in my thoughts.
    Becky
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #3
    Welcome
    Hello Stargzr and welcome to our family. I was a caregiver for my dad. He lost his battle with EC/liver cancer last March. March 9th. You are not alone here. We are always here for you, and can totally relate to you. We have been where you are. You will be where we are this time next year. I promise you, you will feel a little better within a year. It does not get any easier..for me it just gets better day by day. I am a faithful Christian. So was my dad. He did not accept Jesus as his savior until late in his life, but it is never too late to be saved. I am confident in knowing that my dad is in a much better place. His life here on earth was no longer good. The cancer caused him to no longer have a quality of life. He was in constant pain, constant side effects from treatments, and pain meds. What is the point? There isnt one. You have to get to that point where you know enough is enough. You have that gut feeling. Now that my dad and your husband are both in heaven, they are no longer in pain, no longer suffering, no longer have cancer!! We will see our loved ones again. Jesus made us that promise, and he always keeps his promises. Hope my experience helps. The nights are always the hardest. Talk to him at these times, he will hear you. I too, tend to second guess our decisions, but we did what we could at that time. Now..we know a lot more, so if we are ever faced with this cancer again...we will make different decisions. Tonight go out and be a star gazer...the star that you see just might be your husband looking down at you! Hugs to you. Keep in touch.
    Tina in Va
  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811
    #4
    Always hard to believe
    Stargzr,
    It's just been one year last friday since I lost the love of my life. We had been married for 46 years. Somedays I still find it hard to believe that it's a year already. Yet it seems like so long ago that I heard his voice or felt his touch.
    I guess sometimes we all second guess our decisions & think "what if", but guess God had a plan and needed him now. Tom had only been sick 2 months, so didn't even get used to the "C" word and then had to deal with losing him suddenly & tragically.
    We have to be strong cause I know our husbands would want us to be. I have 3 kids & 3 grandsons, so they are now my support and my reason to live.
    Please just take one day at a time & just remember the happy days you had with him.
    Take care! "Carole"
  • Stargzr
    Stargzr Member Posts: 47
    #5
    Thanks
    Thank you for your kind and comforting words. A family friend passed away a few years ago, and his headstone says "Talk to me like I'm still here". I will do a little star gazing tonight and I'll talk to my soulmate. Then I'll put a couple more pictures in frames. (We were always notorious about never developing our photos.)
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #6
    Here
    Just letting you know that I am here, too. One term I read in one of the books given to me was the "fog of grief." It made me feel better to know there was a term for my foggy moments during those first few months. Hang in there. Time does help. You still have that hole in your heart, but you find it a little easier to live with. Take care. Come here whenever you need us. Fay
  • sal314
    sal314 Member Posts: 599 Member
    #7
    So Sorry for Your Loss
    All your feelings are "normal". Unfortunately, you have to walk through the pain in order to heal. And that takes a while! Give yourself time. But don't try to hide your feelings from your son. It's much healthier to just feel what your feeling and let your son know that grieving is "OK". If you can do it together, it's that much better.

    I can totally relate your your "heartache". There are times my heart feels so heavy that I physically feel like it's going to break in half. The pain will get better, but it will take time. Your loss is still so fresh, as is mine, (my father passed away Feb. 16) and it's gonna take awhile for healing to even start to begin. Be patient with yourself.

    There really are no words to say that will make it better. It sucks and you just have to take it a day at a time. If you can get involved with a grief support group, that may help as well.

    Blessings,
    Sally
  • debbieg5
    debbieg5 Member Posts: 167
    #8
    Stargzr
    I am so sorry to hear of your husband's death. Please know that what you are feeling is perfectly normal. My husband died just a couple of months before...Jan 8th. I have 2 boys at home (15, 12) and a daughter in college. I told the boys up front that they were going to see mommy cry sometimes and it was alright and that they didn't need to be worried about me when I did. The younger son cries along with me but the 15 year old is keeping it all in. Probably partially because of his personality and partially because of his age.
    The "what ifs" and "should haves" will kill you. I know they have plagued me a lot. I can pass on what everyone has told me....we made the best decisions we could at the time with what we knew. Knowing that in your head is one thing; accepting it in your heart is another. This board has been a blessing as so many of us have lost our husbands in a short period of time and we are finding our way through this "grief fog" together. Keep coming back and just read to see what we're going through or let us know what you're feeling. the best thing is just to know that what you are going through is normal.
    take care,
    Debbie
  • AngKad42
    AngKad42 Member Posts: 26
    #9
    Heartbroken for you
    Star,
    I am so very very sorry you had to lose your husband. My husband has recently begun his fight against this nasty beast, he was dx in Nov.,hospitalized in Dec. and we almost lost him then. We have been married for 19 years and I was in denial about how serious his condition was that night in the hospital until the doctors told me they hoped he made it until the morning when they could do surgery on him. I wanted to scream, run away, anything for this not to be happening. I still haven't had a major break down.. let myself let it all out yet. I want to stay positive for him and push him to get better. We had scans done and found another "spot" so now we have a PET scan and confirm its melanoma, then start a new treatment. I have watched my big, strong very healthy (he never ever got sick even when the kids would be he never did) man loosing weight, loosing his hair, loosing his zest for life at times. I just..I have no words of wisdom, I know nothing I can say will ease your pain... I read your post and lost it.. I so felt that pain... I'm so very scared everyday of losing him....and I am truly sorry you have to deal with this, and having to be strong for your son...I will pray for you and your son tonight..I was never very religious, but I have felt the power of prayer..I will pray for you to have the strength to get through this and for your son. I wish I could hug you cause I feel like we both could use it.
    It's funny how this disease makes us all a family... I'm sorry I have prattled on I just wanted you to know that we are here for you.. and we all feel your pain. Angie
  • neverquit
    neverquit Member Posts: 220 Member
    #10
    Star. My heart goes out to
    Star. My heart goes out to you and your son. Many of us here know what you are going through and probably what you are feeling. I also lost the love of my life, my best friend and my soul mate on Jan. 23, of this year. Mike and I had been married 31+ years and had gone together for 5 1/2 years before we were married. And we actually knew each other (and were friends) since the first grade. Unfortunately we have no children (was not the plan but happened that way).

    Mike was diagnosed with stage IV stomach cancer on June 21, 2010. He was extremely fit, "young" and had such a positive/winning attitude. We got a second opinion (both in agreement) and they started him on chemo right away (after undergoing the molecular targeted therapy and hurd 2 testing, etc.). Mike was amazing. He never complained, stayed as active as possible (including, working in the first aid room at the start of the ski season - we have been volunteer ski patrollers for 17 years) and always fought to beat this beast. He somehow always maintained his fantastic sense of humor through it all (something we all miss so much).

    It was also hard for me to see my strong husband go from 186 lbs. of muscle to 123 lbs and be, at times, so weak. We have so many family members and friends who helped us so much, we were all so devastated. And I can tell you that there have been times when it feels like my heart and soul has been ripped from my body..........

    Please, as others have said, DO NOT second guess what you did (although I'll be the first to say that is hard). We did the absolute best that we could do and the only way things could have been different is if this disease never existed at all. You are doing the right thing by keeping your husband's spirit and memory alive. If you keep these alive, your husband is alive and cancer CAN NOT kill that!!!! Your son needs you now, so hang in there. Please try to get some rest and do some things for you now. Take care and I hope you and your son heal in the days to come.
  • Stargzr
    Stargzr Member Posts: 47
    #11
    Thank you for your kindess. It really helps!
    I wish that none of us had to endure this pain - the illness or the loss. Sometimes, I feel like I am lost in the world. I read this board a lot because it makes me feel connected. Next week I start a bereavement support group. In the meantime, I'm trying to stop second guessing the path we took. It's just that I seem to be at a stuck point because 4 months ago Bob's oncologist told us that he had many good years left -- then 3 months later Bob died. At night I cried out the heavens - "What happened?????" It is so hard! I am trying to stay busy. My son and I are going to plant a cherry tree in our yard around Easter in memory of Bob. Also, Bob gave me instructions on certain things that need to be done around the house, so I am working on those things. AngKad, I just want you to know that your husband and you are in my prayers.
  • Beckymarie
    Beckymarie Member Posts: 357
    #12
    Stargzr said:

    Thank you for your kindess. It really helps!
    I wish that none of us had to endure this pain - the illness or the loss. Sometimes, I feel like I am lost in the world. I read this board a lot because it makes me feel connected. Next week I start a bereavement support group. In the meantime, I'm trying to stop second guessing the path we took. It's just that I seem to be at a stuck point because 4 months ago Bob's oncologist told us that he had many good years left -- then 3 months later Bob died. At night I cried out the heavens - "What happened?????" It is so hard! I am trying to stay busy. My son and I are going to plant a cherry tree in our yard around Easter in memory of Bob. Also, Bob gave me instructions on certain things that need to be done around the house, so I am working on those things. AngKad, I just want you to know that your husband and you are in my prayers.

    Support Groups
    I went to a youn widow's support group and found it very helpful. At our last meeting we decided to try to stay connected. Five of us met for dinner last night and scheduled a dinner date for May. The death of my husband is the most difficult thing I have ever been through. It is like an amputation of my limbs...life will go on, I just have to figure out how to live it. I think we have to remember that doctors are human. They make decisions and prognosis based on what they have, and bottom line is sometimes they are wrong. When Terry died his doctor told me that when they first saw his brain tumor, the size, the depth, the location, they did not give him more than 6-8 months. He lived 15 and the doctor felt this was a huge success in the battle against brain cancer. Obviously, the medical field perceive things differently than we do.

    I am glad to hear you are going to the support group. I hope it helps. Hang in there. We are all in this together.

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