just wanna give up

sissy310 said:

Hey Melodie - sorry you are
Hey Melodie - sorry you are going through all this, I really am. You are not alone though. I'm having some issues now too with major burning (feel like I'm going through radiation all over again) and fatigue. I just think we will have these issues as part of the side effects of what we had. We have to adjust and change how we live our lives. I'm seeing a gynecologist oncologist tomorrow for a two hour visit and I have two pages of questions for her. I cannot wait to go to see if there is something that can be done for the cyclical pain and burning and itching that goes on. I realize it is part of the
recovery and side effects but reading what everyone else goes through too I think "have we not been through enough?"

I too cannot be far from a bathroom or I have panic. When we were in Las Vegas a few weeks ago on vacation, I had to scope out the bathroom first and then I could relax. Otherwise, it was a very stressful vacation. Rich wanted to go and do things and I kept saying I can't do what I used to do (walk around a lot or even be up really late), but go on your own if you want to. It took awhile for us to find that balance but he's been more supportive since I blew up awhile ago saying he HAS to understand that I can't do what I used to do the way I used to do it because of lack of energy and some days pain and discomfort. I need the help now.

I do not get much help at home either really. My hubby is not quite like yours though in that he will do some things like empty a dishwasher and help with laundry and cooking now and then. For the most part though he doesn't 'see' what I see with the house and it is me that puts pressure on myself. I don't know what I would do if he put pressure on me about the house and keeping it clean or doing laundry or shopping or whatever. You would think your hubby would have gotten a wake up call that what you went through was intense and life threatening. Personally I think he is being very selfish if you don't mind my saying so.

I hear you about the denial part. My husband did the same thing. I mean I would be done with radiation and barely walking to the car and he's say "Hey do you want to go to Emily's bakery and get a sandwich?" -- no, I want to go home, sit in a sitz bath, take a pain pill and be left the heck alone! And he would pout because HE wanted to get a sandwich. The problem is if we (and I'm assuming you took care of everything in the house before all this kicked your butt - pun intended) that he expects now that you are 'recovered' so to speak, you should be able to continue doing this. But we can't. The energy level is not what it used to be (me either) and it takes me a week to do laundry now. Can't lift much because of issues before the cancer so I push laundry baskets from dryer to washer and then push finished laundry to the stairs for someone to take upstairs. I've actually had both Rich and my younger son step over the laundry baskets and go upstairs! Rich does his own shirts and stuff because I can't get it done quick enough. He doesn't mind doing it and I am learning not to mind letting him do it. Sometimes I feel like I'm letting him down but you know what? It is what it is. You need to take care of YOU now too. That means some things will have to wait, will have to be set aside or someone else needs to pick up the slack. And don't EVER EVER EVER give up...simply to be able to spend time with your precious granddaughter. I am quite angry at your hubby right now for putting you through the emotional stress when you already have enough physical stress. We didn't ask to get cancer. We did not ask for the treatment issues and the pain that comes with it. It's hard enough dealing with some of that. My emotional stresses are from my youngest son who can be quite demanding (somewhat like your hubby), not understanding of the issues and has some emotional/addictive issues which makes his demanding worse. So I understand how some of these emotional stresors on top of the physical issues can beat you down.

But you have to push forward. I too believe in God very strongly and ask for help constantly in pushing forward and making it through the day. Have you told the doctors that you have this stress at home? I am sure it will make a difference in your treatment and healing and such. I know with the stress of my youngest son over the last month things physically have gotten worse for me and I'm sure that it is emotional stress knocking down my immune system. I don't have insomnia but I do take something to sleep so that helps there. Can they give you something to help you sleep? I'm sure that isn't making things any easier either. Hang in there Melodie. Come in here and vent if you need to or send me a private message even if you need to vent more. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Marilyne

P.S. Sorry it got so long.

sissy310 said:

A friend of mine sent me the
A friend of mine sent me the link for that cleaning awhile back and I checked on another forum I am on to see if it was a legitimate service or not. Seems it really is. There is not one in every state or area but if you have this in your area, I would tap into it. Honestly, it can't hurt and if it gives you a break and some recoup time...go for it. Sorry to hear you are going for blood transfusions and dr visits every two weeks. I hope that this comes to closure soon and you get some relief. Hugs, Marilyne

lizdeli said:

Take care of you
So sorry I'm posting this late. I agree with everyone, take care of you and tell others to bug off. Take naps when you need to, let the wash pile up and someone realize it needs to be done. We can't be superwoman all the time, it's too hard. It could be your hubby just wants to put this behind and it could be part of denial. Sometimes it's their way of coping. Fortunately my husband was very supportive, but once I finished treatment I did sense that everything was okay in his eyes. He wasn't insensitive, but I think it's just hard for him to hear about the side affects because he gets nervous. So sometimes I keep it to myself.

Work has been so stressful lately that I can't tell why I'm really fatigued again. I think it's stress, no major physical issues that I can tell but then who really knows. I find that many people turn to me to talk about their cancer diagnosis and they do that because they need support. It happens at work at church and with friends and neighbors. I am who I am and I want to help everyone and I do my best. I think it drains me sometimes emotionally and I just hold it inside. I've been visiting the forum just not posting a lot lately. Mentally tired. So I apologize to all. Also had a dear friend pass away, childhood friend, from heart disease. Broke my heart. Our neighbor's 3 year old is fighting leukemia and it is so hard for them. Work is a mad house and if it wasn't for the need for health insurance I would leave. But I can't do that.

I apologize for monopolizing this post. I think I just needed to let it out and I know it's safe to do so with all of you.

We need to take care of ourselves and sometimes we forget that. I am going to pamper myself this weekend an Mel I hope you find a way to do that as well.

Sending hugs,
Liz

mxperry220 said:

Housekeeper Help
Melodie,
Maybe you could hire someone come in and help you with the house chores until you feel like handling them. This might take some of the pressure off you feeling you have to do all the house chores.