stupid things people say

ennie__1
ennie__1 Member Posts: 32 Member
edited March 2011 in Breast Cancer #1
I was told by an aquatiance who only had best intentions in mind that now that I have had cancer I am considered "Broken". Lets start by saying that I am a single mom of a great 14 yr old son. I was told that because I was not dateing anyone before I got cancer that I should forget about it ever happening. no one wants to date someone who is damaged by cancer and to forget about ever finding someone to marry, that is just not heard of not once you have had the big "C". wow some people can be so kind.

Comments

  • mzl0ve
    mzl0ve Member Posts: 62
    #2
    I am so sorry this was said
    I am so sorry this was said to you,Its amazing what th people you know will say with out thinking. Sat. i when in to a store and ran in to an old friend and she droped her mouth and then yell " omg what happened to your hair" this was the first time i have ever not known what to say. i walked away fast. I do wish people would think before the open there mouths. words do hurt :(
  • skipper54
    skipper54 Member Posts: 936 Member
    #3
    you're right
    Sadly many people do not think before opening their mouths. Silent stares are almost as hurtful. I had someone ask me what was up with the scarf thing right after I shaved my head and then she was really embarassed when I told her I was covering my bald head. I really didn't feel too sorry for her. Others make up for the stupid people though. A clerk asked me what type of cancer I was being treated for and when I told her she replied that she was a survivor and would be praying for me. I had never met her before! There are some really kind people out there who help to balance out the idiots. Keep smiling and hold your head up. Remember, you're going to beat the beast and life can return to normal. Just ignore the stupid comments! I know that's easier said than done but you're a pink sister.
  • Lynn Smith
    Lynn Smith Member Posts: 1,264 Member
    #4
    mzl0ve said:

    I am so sorry this was said
    I am so sorry this was said to you,Its amazing what th people you know will say with out thinking. Sat. i when in to a store and ran in to an old friend and she droped her mouth and then yell " omg what happened to your hair" this was the first time i have ever not known what to say. i walked away fast. I do wish people would think before the open there mouths. words do hurt :(

    Very rude
    Glad you said a aquaintance because the person sure isn't a friend.

    People fall in love with others who have cancer and other illnesses.Those are the true loves.The ones who know you have the disease and support and love you. They're out there. I've talked to people who have been married more than 1 time.One had been married 4 times and then the love of her life came along.He is her everything and she his.She had numerous surgeries for other things and knows she might not make it longer but she goes on and he supports and loves her. She brags on him and said she's the happiest she's ever been. She introduced me to him and I told him "I hear nothing but praise about you".

    You will find Mr Right.Now though your cancer and your son are needing attention.Concentrate on you and your son.Then someday you will find the right person who will stand by you and love you.

    I've had rude things said to me also. It is like they are fishing to see if there is something wrong you haven't told them.Losing 4 lbs gets them talking and asking me questions.I try to stay away from those kind.

    Lynn Smith
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #5
    so sorry...
    I woulnd't even give 2nd thought to such a comment..(easier said then done) People just dont' think...


    Denise
  • Boppy_of_6
    Boppy_of_6 Member Posts: 1,138
    #6
    disneyfan2008 said:

    so sorry...
    I woulnd't even give 2nd thought to such a comment..(easier said then done) People just dont' think...


    Denise

    Some people
    just have no idea or don't care what they say to others. If anyone was broken I would say this person is the broken one. You are a brave and courageous woman and who would not want to love someone like that! I have had 2 different times that strangers have ask if they could pray for me. One time was in Wal Mart and the lady ask what kind of cancer and my first name and said she would pray for me. The other time it was a young man, ealry 20's stopped me in the parking lot at Barnes and Noble and said he felt God leading him to pray for me and would I mind if he said a prayer with me. I told him sure and he prayed for me in the parking lot. It was an awesome experience. God Bless
    (((hugs)))
  • skipper54
    skipper54 Member Posts: 936 Member
    #7
    disneyfan2008 said:

    so sorry...
    I woulnd't even give 2nd thought to such a comment..(easier said then done) People just dont' think...


    Denise

    agree
    I agree with Lynn! You'll find you have whole new group of friends as you go on this journey. We started a survivors list and women came out of the woodwork to tell me they were survivors. I never knew most of them had dealt with breast cancer! They will provide lots of support. And you have all of us on this site.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #8
    I had the honor of getting
    I had the honor of getting together with a group of the Kindred Spirits on Saturday in Sacramento. We touched briefly on the things people say. The general concensus was, unless cancer has truly touched your life, it is near impossible to know what to say. BUT~ we also agreed 100% that there is a big difference between being ignorant and being mean-spirited. One of the Kindred Spirits, Double Whammy mentioned that prior to being diagnosed, she thought BC was BC~ that if you got cancer in your breasts, it was just like anyone elses BC. She of course learned just how many variables there are, and differnt treatment regimines and options. Ditto side effects.

    It is easy to understand that we might get silly (stupid) comments and questions from even the closest and most well meaning of friends. Lots of things we can let roll off of the proverbial ducks back. Other things are harder to shake off. Again, the mean spirited comments.

    Broken...now that is just mean!!! I am glad she is just an aquaintance, not a friend! You are by no means broken!!!! Some will run from us, but some will stay. But those who leave would leave for myriad reasons, not just cancer reasons. They leave because we are too fat, or have kids, or don't want sex as often as they do, or they like Nascar and we don't, or we love Italian and they only want meat an potatoes, they like long hair, we have short, etc etc...we don't mesh for lots and lots of reasons. Cancer did NOT make you broken!!!!!!

    Most of the Kindred Spirits here know my mantras: Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At, and, We do what we have to do, so we can do what we want to do.

    You are surrounded by an amazing group~ just know that you are NOT broken!

    Hugs,
    Chen♥
  • Mothercrone
    Mothercrone Member Posts: 28
    #9
    chenheart said:

    I had the honor of getting
    I had the honor of getting together with a group of the Kindred Spirits on Saturday in Sacramento. We touched briefly on the things people say. The general concensus was, unless cancer has truly touched your life, it is near impossible to know what to say. BUT~ we also agreed 100% that there is a big difference between being ignorant and being mean-spirited. One of the Kindred Spirits, Double Whammy mentioned that prior to being diagnosed, she thought BC was BC~ that if you got cancer in your breasts, it was just like anyone elses BC. She of course learned just how many variables there are, and differnt treatment regimines and options. Ditto side effects.

    It is easy to understand that we might get silly (stupid) comments and questions from even the closest and most well meaning of friends. Lots of things we can let roll off of the proverbial ducks back. Other things are harder to shake off. Again, the mean spirited comments.

    Broken...now that is just mean!!! I am glad she is just an aquaintance, not a friend! You are by no means broken!!!! Some will run from us, but some will stay. But those who leave would leave for myriad reasons, not just cancer reasons. They leave because we are too fat, or have kids, or don't want sex as often as they do, or they like Nascar and we don't, or we love Italian and they only want meat an potatoes, they like long hair, we have short, etc etc...we don't mesh for lots and lots of reasons. Cancer did NOT make you broken!!!!!!

    Most of the Kindred Spirits here know my mantras: Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At, and, We do what we have to do, so we can do what we want to do.

    You are surrounded by an amazing group~ just know that you are NOT broken!

    Hugs,
    Chen♥

    Wow!
    I am hunbled by the beautiful responses of the women on this site. True, there are ignorant people in this world who say thoughtless and mean things but I think, for the most part, people are kind and understanding towards our challenges.

    Whether you have cancer or not, there will always be ignoramouses out there. Long, long before my cancer, two stupid comments that female co-workers made remain in my head.

    1. "Men don't want you; you're too old. They want someone like me!" (said by a young woman many years ago who, Ha Ha, is now the same age I was when she made that comment).

    2. "Nobody wants you. You can't have children." (again, said by a younger woman many years ago who since had her tubes tied because she was so fertile).

    So there are ignorant people no matter what, but there are also kind, beautiful souls out there...strangers in fact...who will come to your aid, give you hug and a prayer or just lift your spirits with a sweet smile.

    Stay strong. ♥
  • ennie__1
    ennie__1 Member Posts: 32 Member
    #10
    Stupid things people say
    Thank you everyone, your words of kindness and a new light on things help. Thank You.
    Ennie
  • laughs_a_lot
    laughs_a_lot Member Posts: 1,368 Member
    #11
    Stupid.
    Remember Forest Gump said "Stupid is, as stupid does." For a man with a developmental disability the man was by no means broken and lived a very full life. Now maybe this person is fictional but, I see so many people with similar levels of challenges living thier lives to the fullest and having relationships that others envy. Put this comment in file 13.
  • dyaneb123
    dyaneb123 Member Posts: 950
    #12
    laughs_a_lot said:

    Stupid.
    Remember Forest Gump said "Stupid is, as stupid does." For a man with a developmental disability the man was by no means broken and lived a very full life. Now maybe this person is fictional but, I see so many people with similar levels of challenges living thier lives to the fullest and having relationships that others envy. Put this comment in file 13.

    In the immortal words of Bonnie Raitt
    Take me down
    You can hold me but you
    Can't hold what's within
    Pull me round
    Push me to the limit
    Maybe I may bend
    But I know where I'm not going
    I will not be broken

    Cheers
    Dee
  • lizzie17
    lizzie17 Member Posts: 548
    #13
    dyaneb123 said:

    In the immortal words of Bonnie Raitt
    Take me down
    You can hold me but you
    Can't hold what's within
    Pull me round
    Push me to the limit
    Maybe I may bend
    But I know where I'm not going
    I will not be broken

    Cheers
    Dee

    the song "Country Strong" :)
  • lizzie17
    lizzie17 Member Posts: 548
    #14
    at a meeting
    At work, they looked at me and said, "well, you should know....what type of gift should we send?"

    A co-worker has cervical cancer. I guess I was feeling strong and was able to reply appropriately with no hard feelings. But I have to admit, I looked at everyone in the room while I was thinking of my response.

    It felt a little weird. I do not think everyone even knows about my BC, but I guess they do now!!
  • sweetvickid
    sweetvickid Member Posts: 459 Member
    #15
    Idiots among us
    Unfortunately there are some people who would feel that way. Luckily there are many men and women who have the maturity to look at the whole person and fall in love.

    A dear friend of mine had Breast Cancer in her early 20's. Had a double mastectomy with no reconstruction and her ovaries removed. She said she accepted that she would be single for the rest of her life because no man would want her. She married at 29. It took her husband 4 years to convince her to marry him. Needless to say we all adore her husband because he adores her.

    Other examples is a friend who is a a double amputee who married a wonderful woman. I have a friend who had polio as a child. The man she married told me the first time he saw her he thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. 30 years later he still feels that way.
  • Christmas Girl
    Christmas Girl Member Posts: 3,682 Member
    #16
    chenheart said:

    I had the honor of getting
    I had the honor of getting together with a group of the Kindred Spirits on Saturday in Sacramento. We touched briefly on the things people say. The general concensus was, unless cancer has truly touched your life, it is near impossible to know what to say. BUT~ we also agreed 100% that there is a big difference between being ignorant and being mean-spirited. One of the Kindred Spirits, Double Whammy mentioned that prior to being diagnosed, she thought BC was BC~ that if you got cancer in your breasts, it was just like anyone elses BC. She of course learned just how many variables there are, and differnt treatment regimines and options. Ditto side effects.

    It is easy to understand that we might get silly (stupid) comments and questions from even the closest and most well meaning of friends. Lots of things we can let roll off of the proverbial ducks back. Other things are harder to shake off. Again, the mean spirited comments.

    Broken...now that is just mean!!! I am glad she is just an aquaintance, not a friend! You are by no means broken!!!! Some will run from us, but some will stay. But those who leave would leave for myriad reasons, not just cancer reasons. They leave because we are too fat, or have kids, or don't want sex as often as they do, or they like Nascar and we don't, or we love Italian and they only want meat an potatoes, they like long hair, we have short, etc etc...we don't mesh for lots and lots of reasons. Cancer did NOT make you broken!!!!!!

    Most of the Kindred Spirits here know my mantras: Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At, and, We do what we have to do, so we can do what we want to do.

    You are surrounded by an amazing group~ just know that you are NOT broken!

    Hugs,
    Chen♥

    Trish, our Irishwhispers... The title of her About Me page here:

    I Will Not Be Broken

    I cannot possibly explain how much impact those words had on me the very first time I read them. Which is one of the reasons why I will never forget Trish, nor her words.

    Kind regards, Susan
  • camul
    camul Member Posts: 2,537
    #17
    I would love to hear her
    I would love to hear her other 'best intentions' for people! Having cancer never stopped me from dating. Some men were scared when they found out, and some it didn't phase in the least. Unfortunately, I have not met Mr. Right, but I sure have made some good friends!

    If anyone considered me 'broken' because of the cancer, then they would never have been more than an acquaintance any ways. These are the people that I try to avoid!

    Keep positive thoughts, anyone deserving of you will be thrilled that you beat the big "C"!

    Carol
  • rdubins
    rdubins Member Posts: 26 Member
    #18

    Here's a good one: "Oh, a friend of mine had cancer, a rare form on cancer on his arm. He went through treatment, and it was gone. Then 2 years later it came back when a vengeance and they had to amputate his arm". I was like... Oh - wow. That's a bummer.. After I got off the phone with her I called my husband, and we both had a good laugh.. which hurts at the moment! I have late stage ovarian and pancreatic cancer, awaiting surgery.

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