Losing my mind with fear
Comments
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losing your mind
I am now 5 years post stage 4a, tonsil and lymph nodes. My 7.5 weeks of radiation and chemo, alon with the 2-3 weeks after, were very trying and I didn't know if, or how, I would make it but I did, and I am a much better person because of my experience. One piece of advice that one of my closest friends gave me when I told him how mentally tough this was for me(he is also a Radiologist)was "you are used to being in control of your life. At this moment you have to hand control over to your doctors and caregivers. When you finally resolve yourself to that, it will become easier for you to deal with it." My wife also surrounded me with friends and family to help out. I would be happy to talk to you if you would like. I live in NJ and was treated at Beth Israel in NY. I can be reached at 732-687-3518 and my name is Rob Jaffe.0 -
Wow.. sugar you sound like
Wow.. sugar you sound like you're wearing my boots. Take 'em off!! Just kidding.. last year I had my surgery WHILE I was 7 months pregnant, then my baby was born 6 weeks early, then right after he was born I had to start radiation and chemo. It is A LOT to handle, especially when you have 2 kids to take care of. (I also have a {almost} 4 year old) The first few weeks really are nothing, your sense of taste does fade, and I hate to tell you this, though I think you already know from your post, but it does get a lot worse. You HAVE to put your big girl pants on and proceed with your treatments. IT DOES GET BETTER. I promise. I know EXACTLY what you mean about only feeling like a shell of the person you used to be. Even though I feel much better now I still get sad sometimes because I'm not the same. Take this time through your treatments to relax, get as much rest as possible, rely on your husband to take care of you, ask for help, let anyone who will offer watch your kids so you can nap. Do not feel bad about taking it easy, you HAVE to. Keep moving forward baby girl, you CAN and WILL do this, and before you know it you'll be past it looking back exclaiming "I DID IT!!" You will have a sense of accomplishment almost. You are now a part of a club. We all here understand you. Come here often, seek insight and advice. I wish I could just give you a hug. It's always hard for me to see/talk to people who are just starting this journey, because I know how much is ahead of you. You'll do great. Please please PLEASE use all of these wonderful people on this site to help you.
Take care,
Kristyn
(sorry this is so long!!)
Oh oh like Rob said I'd also be happy to talk/text if you EVER need ANYTHING ANY TIME!
469-733-0396 I live in Dallas and received treatment from Parkland/ UT Southwest Moncrief Center.0 -
Fear
I'm not sure where to start, maybe by telling you that fear is normal, all of us were afraid after our initial diagnosis but we then found our own ways of dealing with it. There is no one answer that will solve your problem and ease your fears.
Have you thought of seeking therapy or counseling?? It sounds as if you are letting your fears run your life and you can't let that happen, you have a young son and daughter who need you. Call your radiation oncologist's nurse and explain to her what you are experiencing, they can refer you to someone who can help you deal with this depression you are experiencing. Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help, we have all needed it at one time or another. Please don't wait to call, do it today!!!
I can't speak for others but I found my strength in God, my family and my friends. They were all there for me throughout my treatment, and still are. I had a strong desire to live and I knew my family would not let me quit.
We can all advise you and comfort you but in the end it's up to you to fight this battle and the depression you are in right now.
I wish I had the answers you need but all I can offer is my advice, and that is to call your doctor and get help immediately. Your family loves you and needs you.
Please post again so we will know how you are doing. We care!!
My best to you and your family,
Glenna0 -
Lets talk about those fearsGlenna M said:Fear
I'm not sure where to start, maybe by telling you that fear is normal, all of us were afraid after our initial diagnosis but we then found our own ways of dealing with it. There is no one answer that will solve your problem and ease your fears.
Have you thought of seeking therapy or counseling?? It sounds as if you are letting your fears run your life and you can't let that happen, you have a young son and daughter who need you. Call your radiation oncologist's nurse and explain to her what you are experiencing, they can refer you to someone who can help you deal with this depression you are experiencing. Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help, we have all needed it at one time or another. Please don't wait to call, do it today!!!
I can't speak for others but I found my strength in God, my family and my friends. They were all there for me throughout my treatment, and still are. I had a strong desire to live and I knew my family would not let me quit.
We can all advise you and comfort you but in the end it's up to you to fight this battle and the depression you are in right now.
I wish I had the answers you need but all I can offer is my advice, and that is to call your doctor and get help immediately. Your family loves you and needs you.
Please post again so we will know how you are doing. We care!!
My best to you and your family,
Glenna
What are you afraid of the most? Pick one thing and perhaps we can help you understand it better or give you supporting information. Absolutely get some professional help. I cried like a baby in my wife's arms. Cancer is real scary stuff. You have a supporting husband, it's time to use him. Ask for medication to take the edge off things as it is entirely encouraged and permissable and does not make you a wimp. Wimps don't even make it to treatment. Welcome to the site.0 -
fearratface said:Lets talk about those fears
What are you afraid of the most? Pick one thing and perhaps we can help you understand it better or give you supporting information. Absolutely get some professional help. I cried like a baby in my wife's arms. Cancer is real scary stuff. You have a supporting husband, it's time to use him. Ask for medication to take the edge off things as it is entirely encouraged and permissable and does not make you a wimp. Wimps don't even make it to treatment. Welcome to the site.
You have already made it thru things others would have given up on.... like ratface says, the wimps don't even make it to the treatment. Definitely talk to a professional and don't be opposed to taking something that takes the edge off... you don't want to be a blubbering mess all the time...anti-anxiety meds will help. they helped me. You have your kids to enjoy and a husband that sounds very supportive - take advantage of any and all offers... when people say "let me know if you need something", call on them like Krysten says. Babysitting for a few hours is a good idea and you can rest and then enjoy the time with the kids even more when they come back. Good Luck and keep your chin up.0 -
I understand how you are
I understand how you are feeling.I went through my chemo and radiation July 2009.My children were 8,3 and six months old.It is hard to be strong through such a difficult treatment but you have to. You have two children counting on you. I wish I could say that the first days are the hardest days but I know from experience that with head and neck cancer that is not so but I do know that it will pass and you will get through it.Please lean on the people around you,your family,friends,nurses etc.Good luck to you with everything.
Laura0 -
Coping With Fear
I can't imagine anybody thinking you a wimp for the terrible things you are enduring. I'm sure most of us had (or still have) the same fears. I can't imagine any human hearing the words "you have cancer" without feeling very fearful. I consider myself a strong independent male and a pretty strong guy, but I cried like a baby many times after my diagnosis and treatments. I had 30 radiation treatments and at first, I was not sure I could continue, but I did just like many other people have. As others have said, faith in God, family, and anti-anxiety medications help a lot. Don't be afraid to express your emotions and lean on those close to you. I wish you the best and my best wishes and prayers are with you.
Roger0 -
Like climbing a mountainmixleader said:Coping With Fear
I can't imagine anybody thinking you a wimp for the terrible things you are enduring. I'm sure most of us had (or still have) the same fears. I can't imagine any human hearing the words "you have cancer" without feeling very fearful. I consider myself a strong independent male and a pretty strong guy, but I cried like a baby many times after my diagnosis and treatments. I had 30 radiation treatments and at first, I was not sure I could continue, but I did just like many other people have. As others have said, faith in God, family, and anti-anxiety medications help a lot. Don't be afraid to express your emotions and lean on those close to you. I wish you the best and my best wishes and prayers are with you.
Roger
If you stand at the bottom of a mountain and look up, it's overwhelming. When you first begin to climb it, you'll still be overwhelmed when you look up. At some point, you look down and are amazed at how far you've come. It never gets easier, but you eventually get to the top if you keep moving.
Don't think about how many days of radiation you have to do; like AA-ers, just take one day at a time.
This is one time Scarlett O'Hara is right - if you are worried about something you can't do anything about, don't think about that right now. . . you can think about it tomorrow. Or in 3 months.0 -
FearsDrMary said:Like climbing a mountain
If you stand at the bottom of a mountain and look up, it's overwhelming. When you first begin to climb it, you'll still be overwhelmed when you look up. At some point, you look down and are amazed at how far you've come. It never gets easier, but you eventually get to the top if you keep moving.
Don't think about how many days of radiation you have to do; like AA-ers, just take one day at a time.
This is one time Scarlett O'Hara is right - if you are worried about something you can't do anything about, don't think about that right now. . . you can think about it tomorrow. Or in 3 months.
Must agree with Ratface about the help Professionals can provide. Lord knows the load that C can deliver to the mind. You must realize the fact that you are going to survive this. For me, that was the starting point, and the great Positive fact one can focus on when things like fear creep into your mind. It would not be untypical for you to be given medicinal help to cope with it all, and talking to a Professional would also likely be of great help.
Also, perhaps you would like Private Message communication with one or more of the women, here, who have posted before or after me, and gone thru what you are. Not being a woman, I can only imagine what's going-on with you, so I am not the one who could best help you.
For me, there was a time before treatment started that a very dark cloud got close to me. Perhaps "the unknown" of where treatment would take me, physically, is of your fear. It is what I was struggling with- whether or not my post-tx condition would be an acceptable condition to me; and, if not, then why bother? Only one I talked to was my regular Dr., who provided no help as to that issue, but he did see that I was dealing with that dark cloud, and prescribed Xanax for me. And, it did help me arrive at the point of acceptance that I had C, and would fight it to the best of my ability. "Come what may," might not work for you, but whatever resolve you find can be built around what my mindset also was- that forementioned Positive that I was gonna survive this thing, just as you will: we all survive the first course of treatment. And, the physical state it leaves most all of us in really is very acceptable, and in some cases with nothing more than very small complaints. The same might go for you. We are all different, as are the specifics of our C, so don't be put-off by some, here, who describe more difficult post-tx realities, which might have nothing to do with where you will find yourself at the end of treatment.
Hey- I'm only 23-months, post-treatment, and life is very good. You just might someday say the same. All you gotta do is give it a chance. Stay with us- we are all here to help.
kcass0 -
No HillDrMary said:Like climbing a mountain
If you stand at the bottom of a mountain and look up, it's overwhelming. When you first begin to climb it, you'll still be overwhelmed when you look up. At some point, you look down and are amazed at how far you've come. It never gets easier, but you eventually get to the top if you keep moving.
Don't think about how many days of radiation you have to do; like AA-ers, just take one day at a time.
This is one time Scarlett O'Hara is right - if you are worried about something you can't do anything about, don't think about that right now. . . you can think about it tomorrow. Or in 3 months.
I so agree with DrMary, "this is no hill for a climber". akotke you are a climber and you can do it. You can climb your mountain one day, one hour and sometime one minute at a time.
John0 -
No HillDrMary said:Like climbing a mountain
If you stand at the bottom of a mountain and look up, it's overwhelming. When you first begin to climb it, you'll still be overwhelmed when you look up. At some point, you look down and are amazed at how far you've come. It never gets easier, but you eventually get to the top if you keep moving.
Don't think about how many days of radiation you have to do; like AA-ers, just take one day at a time.
This is one time Scarlett O'Hara is right - if you are worried about something you can't do anything about, don't think about that right now. . . you can think about it tomorrow. Or in 3 months.
I so agree with DrMary, "this is no hill for a climber". akotke you are a climber and you can do it. You can climb your mountain one day, one hour and sometime one minute at a time.
John0 -
Fear is Natural
I was a perfectly healthy fifty eight year old male who had raised my children, completed my career and was looking forward to spending retirement with my wife and traveling through this great country of ours and just basically enjoying it. My life was suddenly put on hold by this terrible cancer and I realized I was in a fight for my life. Yes I cried, complained and thought about why me and wanted to just pack it in and give up the fight. My oldest son reminded me that how he fought to live when he was diagnosed with testicular cancer at the age of sixteen and that I need to fight now so he could keep his Dad. Everyone I knew and many that I did not know was praying to God that I get better. My first two weeks of radiation and chemo were not that bad and I thought that I would just cruise through this. It did get very hard after this and many times I just begged God to take me home. My dear wife stayed by my side and nursed me in ways you could not imagine for almost three months. She never gave up on me and I finally realized I could not give up on her. I have just begun my fifth year post treatment (35 Rads) Chemo, once weekly for seven weeks. This treatment has totally changed my life and I do have many terrible side effects from the radiation but I am still alive enjoying time with my wife, my family, my friends. I will never be what I once was physically but I try to live one day at a time now and live as most of us say on this site (That we are living the new normal) Things will get better. Time in many cases takes care of bad things that happen to us. Graciously accept the help of your family and friends to help you get through this and if you are a person of Faith, put your faith in God and trust him to bring you out of this darkness. As I post this I am praying for you to keep up the fight. God Bless0 -
Courage
I get your fears. I've felt them also. Courage is going on despite them. That's what you've been doing. There's no trick to it. Just waking up each day and going to sleep each night and handling each thing that comes in between. You can keep doing that.
The suggestion for seeing someone professionaly is a good one. And of course the meds that you're prescribed are perfectly appropriate for this time in your life.
It could get more uncomfortable as you go. You'll be prepared for that when you get there. Best not to go there in your head until then. You'll get through it like the rest of us and be an encouragement to those coming behind you.
You've got the strength inside you. And take some of ours to add to yours. You can do this. This is what you have to do right now. Stay with us as you go and let us know what's going on. It helps. You'll be on the other side of this soon.
Bob0 -
Rough Road for now..
.... but there will be brighter days ahead. My little boy was born the day I was released from hospital after surgery. It is a head spinner.I started Rads and IMRT the following week. It was tough, there was pain, and terrible fear, depression. I think I just took one day at a time and had to release a lot of the stress to the Doctors and nurses and rad techies. You need to keep the pain under control.
if things get unbearable, you can ask for more support as I did, and get admitted. I was in for the last 3 weeks of treatment. We all react differently and I was one who got hit hard. As I said, go day by day, allow friends and family to help and take over things you will not be able to manage. Try to keep your nutrition up. I had to get a PEG in week 3 and that saved me.
Hang in there, you can get through. We all did and so can you> You will look back on these days as a bad but ever shorter memory. Focus on watching your little kids grow up with you in the picture.
Scam0 -
akotke
Stop dwelling on stuff? Uhm. No. You aren't dwelling. This can feel like a nightmare sometimes, one that you cannot wake from. You will get thru it eventually though. We here are proof of that.
This is by no means easy, sometimes I look back and wonder how the heck I made it through. I had much love and support from friends, and from family. I did a lot of praying, lemme tell you. More than I have ever done.
Talk to your medical team and let them know how your are doing every step of the way. There are many things that can help to ease some of your side effects. You can also look through the HNC Superthread listed on the first page of this board. There are links to things that might be helpful to you.
Please feel free to private message me any time, if you ever need to vent. We do understand. We are here to help.0 -
KristynRuth - Prime ExampleKristynRuth86 said:Wow.. sugar you sound like
Wow.. sugar you sound like you're wearing my boots. Take 'em off!! Just kidding.. last year I had my surgery WHILE I was 7 months pregnant, then my baby was born 6 weeks early, then right after he was born I had to start radiation and chemo. It is A LOT to handle, especially when you have 2 kids to take care of. (I also have a {almost} 4 year old) The first few weeks really are nothing, your sense of taste does fade, and I hate to tell you this, though I think you already know from your post, but it does get a lot worse. You HAVE to put your big girl pants on and proceed with your treatments. IT DOES GET BETTER. I promise. I know EXACTLY what you mean about only feeling like a shell of the person you used to be. Even though I feel much better now I still get sad sometimes because I'm not the same. Take this time through your treatments to relax, get as much rest as possible, rely on your husband to take care of you, ask for help, let anyone who will offer watch your kids so you can nap. Do not feel bad about taking it easy, you HAVE to. Keep moving forward baby girl, you CAN and WILL do this, and before you know it you'll be past it looking back exclaiming "I DID IT!!" You will have a sense of accomplishment almost. You are now a part of a club. We all here understand you. Come here often, seek insight and advice. I wish I could just give you a hug. It's always hard for me to see/talk to people who are just starting this journey, because I know how much is ahead of you. You'll do great. Please please PLEASE use all of these wonderful people on this site to help you.
Take care,
Kristyn
(sorry this is so long!!)
Oh oh like Rob said I'd also be happy to talk/text if you EVER need ANYTHING ANY TIME!
469-733-0396 I live in Dallas and received treatment from Parkland/ UT Southwest Moncrief Center.
Akotke, Kristyn is a prime example of everything that you are going through....you mentioned you have followed us a read our posts. Searck Kristyns posts, you'll be amazed at her journey and even more of where she is today after reading her initial thoughts, feelings and fears.
I have mentioned before that there always seems to be someone that connects specifically with you. To me this is one of those instances.... Kristyn, I'm glad that you are finding the strength and willingness to continue posting and checking the forum. Akotke sounds to be someone that can really benifit from your history and experience.
Akotke, I do want to welcome you to our forum, very sorry for your situation...but it is what it is. Talk with your MD's, get their advice and seek some professionals to help you get your thoughts and feelings on track to fight. It's not easy, but you can do it, we are all examples.
I can only tell you that a positive attiude is huge. You have a young family and loving husband. You can do this, you just need a little help getting on track,be that through counciling, faith, family or friends and all combinations.
You can and will do it..stay strong,
Thoughts and Prayers,
John0 -
Don't know you have it til you have it
I remember the day pretty well. It was the end of August and I waited for my husband at South Ferry so we could take the boat home together. He walked up, sat down on the bench, I asked how his doctor's appointment went, he said, "I have cancer." I felt the bottom drop out. He refused to get upset and did not allow me to get upset. Such a stubborn a$$.
It does feel like it will never end, the treatments, the parade of medical people, all of it. As a caregiver, I was there for all of it and it was mind boggling for me. All I can say is reach out when you need it - and you have! Posting on this board and talking it out is excellent. The boogeyman ends up running and hiding in the light. Get help in every way you can, and never feel like you are wimping out. This suuuuucks, but you can get through it.
We went through alot together, my husband and I. I have no idea how I got through it all other than to tell you you don't know you have it until you have it. You find the place inside where the bada$$ resides and bring her out when you need it. Uses every resource available to you, and think outside the box for things that can help. Keep in mind two things: you won't know until you try, and what's the worst answer someone can give you when you ask - no.
You can do this - I gots faith in you.
Loves,
April
P.S. I found that allowing someone small and warm to sleep on me helps tons. I have cats and you have a beautiful baby girl. It's all in the focus, and I think the serenity that rolls off the sleeping in waves helps the resolve. Also works when cuddling with husbands when they are sleeping too
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KristynRuthKristynRuth86 said:Wow.. sugar you sound like
Wow.. sugar you sound like you're wearing my boots. Take 'em off!! Just kidding.. last year I had my surgery WHILE I was 7 months pregnant, then my baby was born 6 weeks early, then right after he was born I had to start radiation and chemo. It is A LOT to handle, especially when you have 2 kids to take care of. (I also have a {almost} 4 year old) The first few weeks really are nothing, your sense of taste does fade, and I hate to tell you this, though I think you already know from your post, but it does get a lot worse. You HAVE to put your big girl pants on and proceed with your treatments. IT DOES GET BETTER. I promise. I know EXACTLY what you mean about only feeling like a shell of the person you used to be. Even though I feel much better now I still get sad sometimes because I'm not the same. Take this time through your treatments to relax, get as much rest as possible, rely on your husband to take care of you, ask for help, let anyone who will offer watch your kids so you can nap. Do not feel bad about taking it easy, you HAVE to. Keep moving forward baby girl, you CAN and WILL do this, and before you know it you'll be past it looking back exclaiming "I DID IT!!" You will have a sense of accomplishment almost. You are now a part of a club. We all here understand you. Come here often, seek insight and advice. I wish I could just give you a hug. It's always hard for me to see/talk to people who are just starting this journey, because I know how much is ahead of you. You'll do great. Please please PLEASE use all of these wonderful people on this site to help you.
Take care,
Kristyn
(sorry this is so long!!)
Oh oh like Rob said I'd also be happy to talk/text if you EVER need ANYTHING ANY TIME!
469-733-0396 I live in Dallas and received treatment from Parkland/ UT Southwest Moncrief Center.
Girl, I just LOVE your fighting spirit. You inspire ME! You always have.
Deb0 -
Climbing that really big hill...
Akotke,
We're all with you on this one, girl. When I started treatment, my sweet 18 year old daughter sent me this in an email. It's too good not to share again:
"Here’s another fun thing i just thought of.
Right now in our lives, mine and yours, it's kinda like backpacking. The load we're carrying is getting heavier and heavier, and the trail is getting steeper and more rocky and more complicated. At first glance this makes us all freak out and throw our hands up and say "o no f*** our lives!" but when you're backpacking it's pretty simple. You reach places like this, and it's make or break time. You have one shot to make it up this scary as hell place so you gotta do it right.
So what do you do?
You stop, assess the situation, take a deep breath, make sure your boots are tied and then you clench your teeth and let your body do what it has to do. You just take a step forward. One step, and when you make that step safely, you look and take another step. You face forward and you just go. One step at a time. You go and you don't stop because you just have to keep going. Do your muscles hurt? Like hell, but if you stop it will only get worse so you keep going.
This is what you have done, and what I have done, and hey, check it out, we're already half way up this once-was-a-scary-mother-f***in-hill. Why, you ask? Because life is a crazy trail full of sh** that sometimes sucks and is scary, but most of the time, it's nothing that can't be easily handled one small well planned step at a time. Even if you have a ton of sh** on your back. It just makes you pay more attention to where you step."
_______
OK, so it's a little profane, but it sure got my attention.
Deb0
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