mmmm . . . mad now . . . hmmmm

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  • cabbee
    cabbee Member Posts: 10
    #22
    mswijiknyc said:

    it would be nice
    if the anger I had was over him not being here. But it has more to do with how he flat out GAVE UP (surgery only, no other treatments) and very much more to do with how our marriage was before he got sick. Right now, I feel that everything had been healed as well as it could be and the scars were left. And all the scars were ripped wide open all over again so I can watch them bleed.

    This has me so worked up that I'm getting hives again. I am so tired of it all. Just want to shove it all in a box and be done with it. Yes, I lost my husband to cancer, but why in God's name should I continue to hurt myself for someone who didn't think enough of themselves to fight back? And left me with a huge mess and more questions than answers?

    This isn't even therapy material. This is Dr. Phil material. I've watched Dr. Phil and I laugh my tail off at some of the guests. I'm such a disaster.

    Anger
    Your post really touched me ,because I am the person who pushed for the Chemo and radiation and acted like a fool when mike said he wasn't going to do anything-finally he agreed and he lived another 6 months,but he was so sick from that stuff,it was horrible to see, and I in my denial,I guess i thought it would work;now I regret pushing him to do it,he might have had some quality time before he died.
    I guess what I want to say is no matter what we do,iguess we think the other course would have been better.
    I was very angry when Mike died,but somehow it has taken its place in the total picture;do I yell at him daily,you bet and worse,but in my case and maybe in youre,he was a man's man
    and did not want to go that route;he never gave up his bad habits to the end,and made me furious,but now that some of the dust has settled I can remember why I loved him in the first place and forgive some of the rest.
  • UKLady
    UKLady Member Posts: 85
    #23
    cabbee said:

    Anger
    Your post really touched me ,because I am the person who pushed for the Chemo and radiation and acted like a fool when mike said he wasn't going to do anything-finally he agreed and he lived another 6 months,but he was so sick from that stuff,it was horrible to see, and I in my denial,I guess i thought it would work;now I regret pushing him to do it,he might have had some quality time before he died.
    I guess what I want to say is no matter what we do,iguess we think the other course would have been better.
    I was very angry when Mike died,but somehow it has taken its place in the total picture;do I yell at him daily,you bet and worse,but in my case and maybe in youre,he was a man's man
    and did not want to go that route;he never gave up his bad habits to the end,and made me furious,but now that some of the dust has settled I can remember why I loved him in the first place and forgive some of the rest.

    Cabbee
    I soooooo hear you on this.Steve actually walked into ER to "do me a favor " I thought he may have a slight stroke - he was in fact stage IV lung with 7 brain mets undiagnosed for a year due to doctors bad decisions and went to ICU although he was only doing this for me ;-) "lights on" having quality when he is not in pain is obvious - I now take before and after pics for the doctors. Daily pain recods and med etc so I am no walkover I am in this huge battle with 3 doctors to do team work and find myself wondering would it have been best if I had brought him home without their so called expertise.

    I soooo understand where you are coming from friend and our journey still has to run it's course. anger? Beyond that into why could he not just have passed peacefully in ICU and that of course has a guilt all it's own......

    Lyndsey
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #24
    UKLady said:

    beckymarie
    Many thanks Becky- especially appreciated at this time- my only child- my daughter was missing overseas in the tsunami on are mote island on a diving trip. I have just heard she is alive and well-its been the roughest two days of my life-bar none!

    best wishes

    Lyndsey

    Glad
    I aM so glad for the news about your daughter. One less thing to worry about, something to celebrate. Hold on to those good moments. You will need them to sustain yourself. Thinking of you. Fay
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #25
    cabbee said:

    Anger
    Your post really touched me ,because I am the person who pushed for the Chemo and radiation and acted like a fool when mike said he wasn't going to do anything-finally he agreed and he lived another 6 months,but he was so sick from that stuff,it was horrible to see, and I in my denial,I guess i thought it would work;now I regret pushing him to do it,he might have had some quality time before he died.
    I guess what I want to say is no matter what we do,iguess we think the other course would have been better.
    I was very angry when Mike died,but somehow it has taken its place in the total picture;do I yell at him daily,you bet and worse,but in my case and maybe in youre,he was a man's man
    and did not want to go that route;he never gave up his bad habits to the end,and made me furious,but now that some of the dust has settled I can remember why I loved him in the first place and forgive some of the rest.

    We all have regrets, but guilt is really a wasted emotion. You did the best you could at the time. That is all any of us can do. You did everything out of love. Don't beat yourself up over the could of, should ofs. Hindsight is always better than foresight. Forgive yourself. Fay
  • UKLady
    UKLady Member Posts: 85
    #26
    grandmafay said:

    Glad
    I aM so glad for the news about your daughter. One less thing to worry about, something to celebrate. Hold on to those good moments. You will need them to sustain yourself. Thinking of you. Fay

    Grandmafay
    many thanks for your kind thoughts :-)

    Lyndsey
  • debbieg5
    debbieg5 Member Posts: 167
    #27
    grandmafay said:

    We all have regrets, but guilt is really a wasted emotion. You did the best you could at the time. That is all any of us can do. You did everything out of love. Don't beat yourself up over the could of, should ofs. Hindsight is always better than foresight. Forgive yourself. Fay

    Guilt and forgiveness
    That seems to be the elusive balancing act that is just out of my reach for now.
  • mswijiknyc
    mswijiknyc Member Posts: 421
    #28
    cabbee said:

    Anger
    Your post really touched me ,because I am the person who pushed for the Chemo and radiation and acted like a fool when mike said he wasn't going to do anything-finally he agreed and he lived another 6 months,but he was so sick from that stuff,it was horrible to see, and I in my denial,I guess i thought it would work;now I regret pushing him to do it,he might have had some quality time before he died.
    I guess what I want to say is no matter what we do,iguess we think the other course would have been better.
    I was very angry when Mike died,but somehow it has taken its place in the total picture;do I yell at him daily,you bet and worse,but in my case and maybe in youre,he was a man's man
    and did not want to go that route;he never gave up his bad habits to the end,and made me furious,but now that some of the dust has settled I can remember why I loved him in the first place and forgive some of the rest.

    does man's man mean stubborn jerk? LOL
    Patrick did everything his way. I argued with him for over a month to get him to AGREE to radiation after New Year's (this was after his surgery October 2010). Everything was his decision, but when the docs told me that radiation and chemo would be a salvage, or "would buy time," I did push for hospice a bit. I told him that it would be no more doctors, no more hospitals, no more appointments, everyone would come to him. That was something he wanted from his first day back home after his surgery. I knew he was in no physical condition to do either radiation or chemo and the time I had with him was good time.

    Oh, he did me the favor of agreeing to radiation. He didn't want it at all at first. Pain in my a$$ but I love him :)

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