mmmm . . . mad now . . . hmmmm

I feel ya
My youngest son had some trouble last week. He called me to confess, and I was at a loss for words. When we hung up, I was like WTF? How DARE you make me depend on you for "man advice" concerning my kids? How could you,after developing such a good mentoring relationship with them, LEAVE? The last 8 years have been all about our life TOGETHER, and now you're not here?

I never got the whole anger part of grief before this. I guess I do now....

FYI--most people still tiptoe around me now--its a good thing, too. God help them, if I think they're being ridiculous over ridiculous issues. I'm liable to hand them their head on a platter : )

tears
April, sorry to hear that you waited so long to let it all out. It is a big relief to cry but don't expect that it's a one time shot and you are done. I have found that it can sneak up on you at the least expected moments. I actually had a big one last night that caught me off guard. I was in the basement for something and walked by all the boxes of stuff that Ken's office manager brought to us. For some reason, I stopped and started looking through one of the boxes. Some of the things I found were food items like candy bars and tea bags. It is too difficult to explain why or all that went through my head but the next thing I knew, i was sobbing. Thought I was safe since I was in the basement but apparently I must have been pretty loud because my boys heard me upstairs and came running down to see what was wrong. The older one, who has not spoken a word about his dad's death, actually had a tear run down his cheek but then quickly left. The younger stayed down there with me and the next thing you know, we are both letting it out. After we had calmed down, he said "thanks Mom, I hadn't done that in a couple of weeks and I needed to get it out". So, don't feel bad about doing it, it actually helps you physically.

The anger is also a common response to grief. I personally haven't dealt with that effect because I'm too busy dealing with my guilt complex issues. The important thing is that we understand that all these reactions are normal and just something that we have to go through for awhile. It makes me feel better to know that I am not crazy because of experiencing all this stuff. I think someone mentioned this on another thread...I wish all of us recent widows were in the same physical location so that we could get together. It sure helps to talk to all of you.
Take care April. Email me if you ever need to.
Debbie

3Mana said:

Are you okay?
April,
Sorry to hear you're pissed! But try not to "blow up"!! I was pissed after Tom died last year. I never said anything to the one who pissed me off, but it had been going on for years, so guess I wasn't surprised. It was Tom's brother who pissed me off. He has always been an arrogant sob, but it hurt me that after my son called him to tell him that Tom died, he never once called or came over to see how I was. It's going to be a year this month and he still hasn't called. So to help me from blowing up, I just confide in all my friends. Try and calm down or talk to whoever it is, okay? Carole

Let it out girlfriend.....,
Let it out.

We know you, you are not one to hold back!! It will take time, there are so many emotions to sort through. I try not to get angry about mom not being here, but boy oh boy have I needed her so badly the past few weeks while dealing with my new chapter. I talk to her constantly....

Lov ya, be good to yourself. No disclaimer needed, it is what it is!

Elysia

mswijiknyc said:

it would be nice
if the anger I had was over him not being here. But it has more to do with how he flat out GAVE UP (surgery only, no other treatments) and very much more to do with how our marriage was before he got sick. Right now, I feel that everything had been healed as well as it could be and the scars were left. And all the scars were ripped wide open all over again so I can watch them bleed.

This has me so worked up that I'm getting hives again. I am so tired of it all. Just want to shove it all in a box and be done with it. Yes, I lost my husband to cancer, but why in God's name should I continue to hurt myself for someone who didn't think enough of themselves to fight back? And left me with a huge mess and more questions than answers?

This isn't even therapy material. This is Dr. Phil material. I've watched Dr. Phil and I laugh my tail off at some of the guests. I'm such a disaster.

Emotions
The best thing my husband did for me during those 6 years he battled cancer was teach me to let go of the little things. He used to say " Let it go, dear. Just let it go." That doesn't mean I always do it, but I hear him say it even now that he is gone. After 16 months, I am in a better place, but I remember well those first few weeks and months. All of my emotions were high. Mostly, I got mad at myself. That's not good either. I think it is pretty normal, though. It's easier when we can cry, yell, stomp around, hit things (soft things!). We really do need to get it out. I am very fortunate that we had a really good marriage, and the last 6 years while we battled cancer just brought us closer. That doesn't mean it was perfect, but it was good. As one neighbor put it, we actually liked each other. I won't tell you to forget the rough patches and concentrate on the good memories because that's not realistic. I won't even tell you not to be mad about his decision not to fight the cancer more aggressively. It was his decision to make, but i can totally understand your anger. Being angry doesn't mean you loved him any less. I think it just shows how much you loved him. Anger is, like tears, a form of release.

Hang in there. Time does help, but I have discovered that this grieving business is not always a straight line. Sometimes I circle back to bad times. Often, it just hits me and the tears come. It can be some little thing that sets me off, sometimes something big like a special date or occasion. I am told by some of my older friends that this can happen years later, too. We are thinking, loving and feeling beings. It's ok to allow those emotions to surface. We need to just let them go, too, in our own time and way. Fay

karenbeth said:

Grrr
My partner and I disagree on treatment--he wants to stop, and he told me the other day one of the main reasons he agreed to this first line treatment was because it was so important to me. Now he is nearing the end of his first line tx and I dont know what he will decide to do. I told him I would support whatever decisions he makes. But inside it will be tearing me apart. And I can't get through a damn conversation with him about this stuff without crying.
Grrr...

Hang in there...

Karen

I've been so mad since
I've been so mad since yesterday, I couldn't even write about it! After some bills and legal issues in the morning I spent the rest of the day outside in my backyard. Cleaned the porch and rearranged the patio furniture. It was so nice out, I even put my bathing suit top on and shorts to work. Checked on the chemicals in the spa and trimmed away the stuff that had froze. Think I even got a good dose of vitamin D! Which I am deficient in. I bet alot of you are too, what with winter and spending so much time inside.

Straightened up a bit in my hubby's tool shed. Couldn't even walk two feet in from the door! Spending time in there made me sad. Remnants of our last building project still around.

When I was done, I got me a beer and sat on the porch looking out into the backyard, admiring what I had accomplished, something we always did when we finished a project. That's when it hit me, the sadness, the loneliness for him! I began to cry. Before I knew it, the sad and lonely turned into anger!

I began to speak about this anger out loud to him. I told him how hurt and angry I am that he left me. That I have no one to sit by and watch the season change. No one to work on projects with and when finished, to sit in pride and amazement of it's beauty. No one to hold me, play "footsies" with me and share a glass of Cabernet in the spa with!

I told him how angry I am that he never told me how sorry he was that if he died I would be left alone. How angry I am that in the end he could not even speak to me. That he didn't say good by, have a nice life, nothing! That he left me hanging. Angry that because of his denial, he denied both of us. He never held me and told me to continue without him, to be happy, to live, to travel. He never told me that he would be watching over me and waiting for me.

I am angry because just when I begin to feel the tiniest bit happy, "IT" pounces on me and steals my joy! I hate that he is dead. I hate that I am so lonely for him. I hate sorrow and grief. It is exhausting, and yet "IT" doesn't let me sleep.

My daughter is beautiful in so many ways. She has a remarkable insight into life, love and God. After I shared all this with her she said to me, " I wish one thing for you, that you become accustomed and comfortable with yourself, mom. That for 30 years you have been the half of a whole. The partner of another. One, of a couple. You and dad were joined at the hip, for good and bad! You were the pepper, he was the salt. And because of this, it is going to take time, and even be difficult for you to learn to be "one". Just you and be happy and comfortable with it being that way. It made sense to me. I know that it will take time and effort, but I'm willing to try. Could be better that how I feel now.

Sorry for the loooong rant. Can't promise that there won't be another, but know that I lovingly read your rants, and have learned much from them!

Lucy

luz del lago said:

I've been so mad since
I've been so mad since yesterday, I couldn't even write about it! After some bills and legal issues in the morning I spent the rest of the day outside in my backyard. Cleaned the porch and rearranged the patio furniture. It was so nice out, I even put my bathing suit top on and shorts to work. Checked on the chemicals in the spa and trimmed away the stuff that had froze. Think I even got a good dose of vitamin D! Which I am deficient in. I bet alot of you are too, what with winter and spending so much time inside.

Straightened up a bit in my hubby's tool shed. Couldn't even walk two feet in from the door! Spending time in there made me sad. Remnants of our last building project still around.

When I was done, I got me a beer and sat on the porch looking out into the backyard, admiring what I had accomplished, something we always did when we finished a project. That's when it hit me, the sadness, the loneliness for him! I began to cry. Before I knew it, the sad and lonely turned into anger!

I began to speak about this anger out loud to him. I told him how hurt and angry I am that he left me. That I have no one to sit by and watch the season change. No one to work on projects with and when finished, to sit in pride and amazement of it's beauty. No one to hold me, play "footsies" with me and share a glass of Cabernet in the spa with!

I told him how angry I am that he never told me how sorry he was that if he died I would be left alone. How angry I am that in the end he could not even speak to me. That he didn't say good by, have a nice life, nothing! That he left me hanging. Angry that because of his denial, he denied both of us. He never held me and told me to continue without him, to be happy, to live, to travel. He never told me that he would be watching over me and waiting for me.

I am angry because just when I begin to feel the tiniest bit happy, "IT" pounces on me and steals my joy! I hate that he is dead. I hate that I am so lonely for him. I hate sorrow and grief. It is exhausting, and yet "IT" doesn't let me sleep.

My daughter is beautiful in so many ways. She has a remarkable insight into life, love and God. After I shared all this with her she said to me, " I wish one thing for you, that you become accustomed and comfortable with yourself, mom. That for 30 years you have been the half of a whole. The partner of another. One, of a couple. You and dad were joined at the hip, for good and bad! You were the pepper, he was the salt. And because of this, it is going to take time, and even be difficult for you to learn to be "one". Just you and be happy and comfortable with it being that way. It made sense to me. I know that it will take time and effort, but I'm willing to try. Could be better that how I feel now.

Sorry for the loooong rant. Can't promise that there won't be another, but know that I lovingly read your rants, and have learned much from them!

Lucy

Tears
Lucy,
I'm sitting here crying after reading your message. I've found myself yelling at Tom's picture cause I'm so pissed that he left me. He was supposed to retire last June and he died in March. Now I'm alone and thinking of all the plans we had made. I said "damn, you said you'd be here for me and now I'm alone. It's not fair!! And thank God for our daughters right Lucy? I have 2 sons also, but my daughter has been such a help to me and was "daddy's little girl" so she misses him alot too.
I guess it's going to take time for us to get used to our new life. All we can do is take one day at a time and remember all the happy days we had our loves with us.
Take care!!! And don't be sorry about ranting! Guess I've kind of ranted back to you now huh? Sorry! carole

lilli1020 said:

The anger
We are all angry and it comes and goes. In the last 6 months, I have gone through so many emotions and just when I feel like I have gotton through some of this pain, something else pushes through. Right now, it's anger again....because I am so lonely and I have all the tax crap to do when he used to do it. I also had to put my Dad in a nursing home many states away from where I live and I know he doesnt like it, but I have no choice because he refuses to leave his home to live with either me or my brother. It just keeps piling up and getting too heavy to deal with sometimes. And I wonder what will become of me??????

gayle

Gayle,
You might want to ask your brother to deal with your dad's situation for now. And taxes, I went to a reliable Tax guy we had used some years ago. I put everything in a folder and went to have him prepare them. Done! Could not imagine dealing with that so soon.

You sound over-whelmed and anxious. Ask for assistance, advice and help. Nobody expects you to be able to juggle all of this and grieve all at the same time. By asking your brother to handle dad's stuff right now you can have the time to call him or write and assure him that he will be fine and that you love him.

Take care, dear one.

Lucy

UKLady said:

Tax

I hear you about the tax and so agree with Lucy. I only recently emigrated here and husband has dementia and terminally ill stage iv lung with mets to the brain straight after our honeymoon last year and I have no one to help since with the wonderful exceptions of friendships made here I am simply too busy to get out to make friends for advice. I reviewed local tax firms and made an appointment. I took as much paperwork as I could all sorted as best I could. I paid an extra fee for them dealing with any glitches. It's been the best couple of hours in a looooong time that was worth the effort. I came out more confident with myself and handling the future and even better a nice direct deposit refund arrived 8 days later ! I went into that office with zero idea of your tax system in the USA! And I do mean zero!

Hope this encourages you and sending you kind thoughts

Lyndsey

Welcome to the US
Hi Lindsey,
Just want to welcome you to our country! You didn't say why you moved here but hope you like it.
Sorry to hear about your husband. Cancer is such a horrible thing to deal with and with him also having dementia that's a double whammy.
This is a great place to find comfort. I came here after my husband passed away last March and have found some new friends that I feel as close to as family. So hope if you need any advice or just want to talk, you come here alot!!!
Take care!! Carole

UKLady said:

3mana
hello!-thank you for your lovely welcome :-) I moved to marry my husband after a long procedure through Homeland Security. Husband diagnosed two weeks after our honeymoon last August (my pic is of us on honeymoon last year). We dated years and traveled many countries before finally settling down together when I gave up my career in the UK, so we have had good times and good memories :-) I hope to have a few more yet obviously:-)

He asked his prognosis Valentine's day of all days- 6 months was the answer-stage IV lung with mets to the brain- I have known since August so its been hard knowing by myself.The dementia is caused by intensive emergency whole brain radiation (mets to the brain) but ironically nature has compensated and given him such a sweet nature when he used to be ahem ;-) very Texas male :-)

I agree with you about this site- I have made some good friends here and its great to not have to explain how all consuming the Beast is. Steve's family were keen for us to marry-where are they now? (apart from the obvious one hour journey away) heh- it works out good Carole for their neglect- we get to be alone for quality time ;-) (Brit humour attempting the understatement of facts )

I have found if I ask something-people are so kind when they realise I am a *stranger in town* :-)

best wishes to you

Lyndsey

Sweet Nature
The comment about your husband's "sweet nature" caught my eye. My husband was diagnosed with a GBMIV in March 2009 and sadly, passed away in June 2010. He was always a gentle man but became so angel-like (for lack of a better term)in the end. I am sorry for what you are going through. It must be especially difficult when you are so far from your family and friends. I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.
Becky