Special People

mswijiknyc
mswijiknyc Member Posts: 421
in Grief and Bereavement #1
When I say special, I don't mean someone like my mom, or a really good friend, or even the nice person that let me jump ahead of them because I was on line with 3 items and they had a cartful.

I'm talking about the people that should not be let out of the house without their helmet on and crayons at the ready.

Over the past week especially, but even in the month prior, people that Pat knew when he was growing up, but lost track of have been coming out of the woodwork. And that's all fine and good, I don't know you from Adam so I'm trying to be respectful. But unfortunately I know the main reason a number of these nice people are wanting to know about arrangements. A good number of people are trying to make this into an Old Home week, and not even about my husband.

I'm sorry if I sound like a cross harridan right off the boat from Dublin, but his service (no wake, no Mass - his request) is about PATRICK not you, not the good old days, and I will be dammed if I'm paying to get you trashed on my dime. And unfortunately that's what everyone is assuming will happen. This is our last day together, I really don't want to be spending it hearing about things Pat never told me about by people he never mentioned that won't even bother to return a phone call 2 months from now. I've been deliberately keeping very quiet about the arrangements because of this. The people that will be there are people that helped us both in the time that we have been together. Everyone else can take a long walk off a short bridge.

And don't get me started on the paperwork. Oh dear God, the paperwork . . .

Comments

  • Pennymac02
    Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member
    #2
    Your right
    You have the right to do whatever you wish, and not bend to the expectations of others. Where were all these "good friends" when you were struggling through the snow to get to the hospital? Humph! The memorial is for YOU, and to allow those that loved Pat to pay their respects. Not to use as an excuse to get drunk and be obnoxious over "old times".
    Penny
  • MissTodd
    MissTodd Member Posts: 28
    #3
    Its not about them
    Not like I am trying to be Debbie Downer, here is what my situation was.

    When Todd passed I tried to get a brother of his involved with the last of the arrangements. Guess what? He didn’t help. Mind you Hospice encouraged me to start the process early, best thing I ever did. I was able to talk to Todd and ask him what it was he wanted. Everyone knows it a conversation you never want to have this early in life.

    Anyway, at my husbands wake family members of his seemed to think that this was all about them. They were never around when he was sisck and needed them.
    They would gather outside the funeral home and take family photos like this was a party. Then someone ran to a store to print out the photos and put them in his casket. Did they ask me? Hell no. They tried to take pictures of him, someone was walking around with a bottle of Jack in there pocket.
    Heck yeah, I took them photos out. You didn’t pick out his clothes or make the arrangements, order the flowers, make the calls. NO, NO, NO, NO.

    One of the sisters tried to get in my face and told me I was nothing to Todd. My daughter wasn’t anything to him. I kept him from them. I looked her in the eyes and told her, “your brother didn’t want you here!” Which was true. That shut her up. It was sad I had to go down to that level but I did what I did for Todd.

    I couldn’t believe how some people could ruin the last time I got to be with my husband. Like I don't already have bad memories of Todds last days. Besides the obvious that was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with.
    I even had to call the police to the funeral home because she was making trouble.

    Any who… I understand. I had to put on my big girl pants and deal with what I had to deal with for my husband. I did what he wanted and if it didn’t turn out the way I wanted Todd knew. He was there and he knew I tried my best.
    Best of luck..
    Peace, Amy
  • luz del lago
    luz del lago Member Posts: 449
    #4
    MissTodd said:

    Its not about them
    Not like I am trying to be Debbie Downer, here is what my situation was.

    When Todd passed I tried to get a brother of his involved with the last of the arrangements. Guess what? He didn’t help. Mind you Hospice encouraged me to start the process early, best thing I ever did. I was able to talk to Todd and ask him what it was he wanted. Everyone knows it a conversation you never want to have this early in life.

    Anyway, at my husbands wake family members of his seemed to think that this was all about them. They were never around when he was sisck and needed them.
    They would gather outside the funeral home and take family photos like this was a party. Then someone ran to a store to print out the photos and put them in his casket. Did they ask me? Hell no. They tried to take pictures of him, someone was walking around with a bottle of Jack in there pocket.
    Heck yeah, I took them photos out. You didn’t pick out his clothes or make the arrangements, order the flowers, make the calls. NO, NO, NO, NO.

    One of the sisters tried to get in my face and told me I was nothing to Todd. My daughter wasn’t anything to him. I kept him from them. I looked her in the eyes and told her, “your brother didn’t want you here!” Which was true. That shut her up. It was sad I had to go down to that level but I did what I did for Todd.

    I couldn’t believe how some people could ruin the last time I got to be with my husband. Like I don't already have bad memories of Todds last days. Besides the obvious that was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with.
    I even had to call the police to the funeral home because she was making trouble.

    Any who… I understand. I had to put on my big girl pants and deal with what I had to deal with for my husband. I did what he wanted and if it didn’t turn out the way I wanted Todd knew. He was there and he knew I tried my best.
    Best of luck..
    Peace, Amy

    Had to make sure one person understood he was not invited...
    For Dennis' Military burial last week, I made a call and made sure that a certain person was not welcome to be there. In the process, it made it difficult for his wife, my dear friend to attend. In fact, she did not. But her and I both understood each others feelings, we are still friends, and I will not allow this person back into our home or my life!

    See, I am still using the "our" and "us" words, too. Memorials are to honor the deceased and comfort and offer help and support to their immediate family. It seems that some people have a competative nature and even in the saddest of times, find the need to say they meant more than another to the deceased!

    My sweet little ole' lady of a mother-in-law, that says how much she loves me and how thankful and blessed she felt that I was so a good and loving wife to her son, managed to knock folks off their seats with a rude and cruel comment about me!! Won't repeat it, but sorry, pay back is a b----! Got my dig in, and in such a lady-like manner,too!

    So sorry that any of us have to endure any additional stress during these times.

    Lucy
  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811
    #5
    MissTodd said:

    Its not about them
    Not like I am trying to be Debbie Downer, here is what my situation was.

    When Todd passed I tried to get a brother of his involved with the last of the arrangements. Guess what? He didn’t help. Mind you Hospice encouraged me to start the process early, best thing I ever did. I was able to talk to Todd and ask him what it was he wanted. Everyone knows it a conversation you never want to have this early in life.

    Anyway, at my husbands wake family members of his seemed to think that this was all about them. They were never around when he was sisck and needed them.
    They would gather outside the funeral home and take family photos like this was a party. Then someone ran to a store to print out the photos and put them in his casket. Did they ask me? Hell no. They tried to take pictures of him, someone was walking around with a bottle of Jack in there pocket.
    Heck yeah, I took them photos out. You didn’t pick out his clothes or make the arrangements, order the flowers, make the calls. NO, NO, NO, NO.

    One of the sisters tried to get in my face and told me I was nothing to Todd. My daughter wasn’t anything to him. I kept him from them. I looked her in the eyes and told her, “your brother didn’t want you here!” Which was true. That shut her up. It was sad I had to go down to that level but I did what I did for Todd.

    I couldn’t believe how some people could ruin the last time I got to be with my husband. Like I don't already have bad memories of Todds last days. Besides the obvious that was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with.
    I even had to call the police to the funeral home because she was making trouble.

    Any who… I understand. I had to put on my big girl pants and deal with what I had to deal with for my husband. I did what he wanted and if it didn’t turn out the way I wanted Todd knew. He was there and he knew I tried my best.
    Best of luck..
    Peace, Amy

    I can relate!
    Amy,
    Wow, sounds like your hubby had a dysfunctional family like my husband did. It's so hard to understand why people are like that. My family has always been close but to this day his brother hasn't called me once to see how I'm doing . He's always been arrogant, so guess I shouldn't expect anything from him now.
    It's hard enough to go through a funeral, muchless have to call the police. Glad you did what Todd wanted. Take care & keep posting. Venting on here always brings someone who'll give you support. Carole
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #6
    A Saying To Share
    Hello April and all you wonderful wives/caregivers,
    You are all not alone when it comes to "The Family." I saw this posted one time and loved it!
    "My family is a circus....minus the tent!" Isn't that great? Hope it made you laugh and smile as much as it did for me. Peace be with you all.
    Tina in Va
  • MissTodd
    MissTodd Member Posts: 28
    #7
    3Mana said:

    I can relate!
    Amy,
    Wow, sounds like your hubby had a dysfunctional family like my husband did. It's so hard to understand why people are like that. My family has always been close but to this day his brother hasn't called me once to see how I'm doing . He's always been arrogant, so guess I shouldn't expect anything from him now.
    It's hard enough to go through a funeral, muchless have to call the police. Glad you did what Todd wanted. Take care & keep posting. Venting on here always brings someone who'll give you support. Carole

    Thank you
    I may not always reply but I do read what ya'all have to say and I just want to say "Thank You" to everyone. Even if we don't really know each other we have a special bond. I didn't really want to be included in this group but while I am here, I will take all the advice/opinions/comments and hopefully learn a thing or two.
    Peace and Hope...Amy
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #8
    Those People
    Yes, we all have those people in our lives whether it be an acquaintance or relative. I can't tell you how many times I have thought, " Did he/ she actually say/do that?" people are amazing and not always in a good way. For the most part I have been surrounded by loving, caring people, but it only takes one to really ruin something. Why they behave the way they do, who knows. For awhile here or on one of the other boards we had a thread about stupid things people say. It got pretty long and I think we could all relate. I have learned to just forgive them, not for their sake but for mine. I refuse to let negative people or negative behaviors get me down for the most part. One phrase Doug used to me and others on a regular basis was, "Let it go, dear. Just let it go." (Actually the dear part was only to me. ) You wouldn't believe how often I hear that in my head, and I am learning to do it. I still fuss around for awhile, but then I hear him. Those last few years after his dx, he tried to concentrate on what really mattered. I'm trying to do the same. We probably aren't going to change those around us, but we can change our reaction to them. Some really, honestly are trying to help. Others are just too self centered to care how their behaviors affect others. Dont waste your time on them. We have better things to do. Fay
  • UKLady
    UKLady Member Posts: 85
    #9
    By invitation
    April,
    Only this last weekend due to a previous bad experience with so called friends and family partying around my sick and almost comatose husband, I spoke to one person regarding Stevie's service. He is alive but fading so time to be thinking whilst in a calm place before I have to reluctantly qualify for this board.
    I stated it would be by invitation only and those who did not pay respects now whilst he is alive will not receive one. This will include two siblings who have never called but will turn up after thinking they will have done their duty.I chose the messenger carefully knowing the Tom toms would beat. I explained what we wanted and was treated sympathetically and most importantly with respect.
    Maybe you could also let someone know it is invite only to spread the word? Hope this helps


    Lyndsey
  • debbieg5
    debbieg5 Member Posts: 167
    #10
    strangers
    April,
    You are there and are the best judge of why these people show up. But let me play devil's advocate and say that just because friends weren't around when Pat was sick does not mean that they don't care and have fond memories of him that they would like to share with others. We all know how people, even close friends, lose touch of each other in this dynamic society in which we live. There were quite a few old friends of Ken that did not know anything was wrong with him until he died. Was that only their fault? No. It was just as much ours for not keeping up. We just lose touch with people. When Ken was first diagnosed, I didn't go around contacting everyone we knew because I truly thought that he was going to get better. By the time you realize that it is not going the way you expected, you are too deep in trying to make it through each day to worry about contacting long, lost friends. I am actually glad that through Ken's passing I have been able to re-establish contact with some of these people.
    Of course, that didn't apply to one of my old high school boyfriends that drove 4 hours to the funeral and made me feel that I was supposed to be back in the dating market. :-)

    anyway, hope the service goes without any major issue.

    And paperwork.....don't even get me going about paperwork either.

    Debbie

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