spouse or significent other

2

Comments

  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #22
    co worker/ friend gave me this....
    http://www.psychologyhelp.com/gend133.htm
  • pbrndm5
    pbrndm5 Member Posts: 83
    #23
    disneyfan2008 said:

    co worker/ friend gave me this....
    http://www.psychologyhelp.com/gend133.htm

    Hi Denise
    My hubby has been very supportive as far as going to Dr. appts., radiation, oncologist etc.

    I do know how you feel though. I can't seem to get him to understand all the fear I have. Whenever I bring up the future and my fear of recurrence, he sluffs it off and says let's worry about that if and when it happens. I think he's trying to make me feel better, but I need him to
    listen to me. I mean really listen. He's a great hubby, a wonderful dad, but I can't seem to make him talk about his feelings. Sometimes I think he thinks I'm just complaining.
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #24
    pbrndm5 said:

    Hi Denise
    My hubby has been very supportive as far as going to Dr. appts., radiation, oncologist etc.

    I do know how you feel though. I can't seem to get him to understand all the fear I have. Whenever I bring up the future and my fear of recurrence, he sluffs it off and says let's worry about that if and when it happens. I think he's trying to make me feel better, but I need him to
    listen to me. I mean really listen. He's a great hubby, a wonderful dad, but I can't seem to make him talk about his feelings. Sometimes I think he thinks I'm just complaining.

    This is my 3rd time around.
    This is my 3rd time around. /the first time we were young, with young kids. this time we are older, and have talked about what didnt go right the first time. he has had to be very supportive and he listens better. But I also have to take into account that he is afraid, and that talking about recurrence interupts the way he copes. so i talk to my counselors about that. My husband conducts himself well, and doesnt freak out, but I know this is hard for him. I know he cares and I am sorry that I have put (unintentional) pain on my loved ones. But as I age i am so grateful he is still here, never complained, and always stood by me. I seriously would not have gotten through this last run without him.
    Denise I could really see my husband, hearing what he wants to hear.like your husband. My husbands world is a great world and I wish I lived in it. (I tell him that all the time)
    If I had test results I would want him to be paying attention too. But if I told him the doc said it would be ok,thats what he would take to the bank, and move on. its just guys................
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #25
    carkris said:

    This is my 3rd time around.
    This is my 3rd time around. /the first time we were young, with young kids. this time we are older, and have talked about what didnt go right the first time. he has had to be very supportive and he listens better. But I also have to take into account that he is afraid, and that talking about recurrence interupts the way he copes. so i talk to my counselors about that. My husband conducts himself well, and doesnt freak out, but I know this is hard for him. I know he cares and I am sorry that I have put (unintentional) pain on my loved ones. But as I age i am so grateful he is still here, never complained, and always stood by me. I seriously would not have gotten through this last run without him.
    Denise I could really see my husband, hearing what he wants to hear.like your husband. My husbands world is a great world and I wish I lived in it. (I tell him that all the time)
    If I had test results I would want him to be paying attention too. But if I told him the doc said it would be ok,thats what he would take to the bank, and move on. its just guys................

    Carkris@
    So I am not alone in the hubby denial club huh? Well next time I am waiting for tests I will not say the DR thinks OK etc...i'll just say wait and see..

    I have said more then like I will get again ....more when not if..and he just zones out.

    He has never really talked about cancer. (just like he hates to talk about funeral arrangments etc-when our first was born I did insist on "WILL" he did do that)

    Thanks for all the imput everyone...seems like ONLY Hears the "up side" and not possibility of bad...
  • Jennifer1961
    Jennifer1961 Member Posts: 137
    #26
    Hi. I've been married for
    Hi. I've been married for 15 years. From the way my husband acts he either doesn't care or is in denial. I'm hoping it's the later. He has gone to two doctor's appointments and hung out in the hospital during 3 of 4 surgeries. He has taken care of the kids while I recovered from chemo (most of the time my family or friends have taken care of them). To him this is huge. If he does something that he normally wouldn't do, he is mr supportive. In my opinion he is just the opposite. I'm expected to do everything I always did. (can you tell I'm just SLIGHTLY bitter!) I'm going in for my implant exchange surgery next Thursday. He is going out of town Mon to Wed. He hasn't asked about any of the detail of the surgery. I'm planning on asking my mom to help me out with taking me picking me up and looking after the kids. I'm married to him and this is the way he is. For better or worse, right?
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #27
    Jennifer1961 said:

    Hi. I've been married for
    Hi. I've been married for 15 years. From the way my husband acts he either doesn't care or is in denial. I'm hoping it's the later. He has gone to two doctor's appointments and hung out in the hospital during 3 of 4 surgeries. He has taken care of the kids while I recovered from chemo (most of the time my family or friends have taken care of them). To him this is huge. If he does something that he normally wouldn't do, he is mr supportive. In my opinion he is just the opposite. I'm expected to do everything I always did. (can you tell I'm just SLIGHTLY bitter!) I'm going in for my implant exchange surgery next Thursday. He is going out of town Mon to Wed. He hasn't asked about any of the detail of the surgery. I'm planning on asking my mom to help me out with taking me picking me up and looking after the kids. I'm married to him and this is the way he is. For better or worse, right?

    wow...Jennifer
    Can't change them for sure...I totally get it...

    I did it all for years..about 7 yrs ago i lost it / cracked/ broke what ever...i was trying to be super mom, wife, daughter and now know I can't and don't try...i let things go , don't stress (married 25 yrs) so now after much therapy back then...he does much much more!

    but I totally understand your side...so vent away...

    I am going for coloscopy (I go annually) Thurs...so we'll both be loopy that day! NICE YOUR mom is around...to help..

    bitter....go for it..been there and done that..

    Denise
  • 24242
    24242 Member Posts: 1,398 Member
    #28
    disneyfan2008 said:

    wow...Jennifer
    Can't change them for sure...I totally get it...

    I did it all for years..about 7 yrs ago i lost it / cracked/ broke what ever...i was trying to be super mom, wife, daughter and now know I can't and don't try...i let things go , don't stress (married 25 yrs) so now after much therapy back then...he does much much more!

    but I totally understand your side...so vent away...

    I am going for coloscopy (I go annually) Thurs...so we'll both be loopy that day! NICE YOUR mom is around...to help..

    bitter....go for it..been there and done that..

    Denise

    Partnered for 18 years
    My signif other and I actually had just been living in same city for 6 months when I finally was diagnosed with stage 3 IDC with 11 out of 21 pos. nodes.
    I had known for sometime something was terribly wrong but couldn't get anyone to listen so decided to move away from family after 4.5 years of long distance relationship with my teen son.
    Mine doesn't want to hear about anything and I am sure it brings her back to our days with the big C 14 years ago and my health has never really recovered totally so never truly out of the game it seems. One thing she did do to cope was make sure that someone was with me since I had none of family or friends around and at the time I only wanted her she needed to work and keep some normalicy just to get through the days.
    It is hardest on those around us and hard for them to know even what to do. I am very proud of the daughter in-law who asked why you would go alone? I was so grateful to have the distraction of my mother inlaw or a friend instead of left with my own thoughts. Even in Cemo it was grate to be there with others and also the people with them could be a party of laughter instead of cold silence. I didn't think I needed anyone but in fact needed everyone ...
    Tara
  • Angie2U
    Angie2U Member Posts: 2,991
    #29
    ElizabethB said:

    MY Rock
    My husband is my rock. he is attached to my hip threw this whole thing. He so enjoys taking care of me he tells me several times a day how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. He keeps me motivated and holds me when I final break down into tears. And he tells me don't worry honey it will all be ok I will be your rock lean on me.He says I wish I could take your pain so you can have a easy day. And you know what!! I usually feel a little better. He is my big Rock and my soft teddy bear......now we are not young by no means i am 61 and my husband is 63 we will be celebrating our 5 anniversary in May. Family so helps and we are all family if you need a cyber hug or just want to chat I am all ears please feel free to chat with me'

    My husband has also been my
    My husband has also been my rock thru this. I don't know what I would have done without his love and support. He has gone with me to every appt, been with me for surgery and took me to my rads appointments.

    He is always reassuring me that I am healthy now and that we will grow old together!


    Sending you a hug,

    Angie
  • Findingout
    Findingout Member Posts: 132
    #30
    ElizabethB said:

    MY Rock
    My husband is my rock. he is attached to my hip threw this whole thing. He so enjoys taking care of me he tells me several times a day how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. He keeps me motivated and holds me when I final break down into tears. And he tells me don't worry honey it will all be ok I will be your rock lean on me.He says I wish I could take your pain so you can have a easy day. And you know what!! I usually feel a little better. He is my big Rock and my soft teddy bear......now we are not young by no means i am 61 and my husband is 63 we will be celebrating our 5 anniversary in May. Family so helps and we are all family if you need a cyber hug or just want to chat I am all ears please feel free to chat with me'

    OK, Elizabeth, how did you
    OK, Elizabeth, how did you find this guy????
  • sweetvickid
    sweetvickid Member Posts: 459 Member
    #31
    Not a good guy
    Wish I could gush on my husband but I can't. He never lifted a finger around the house. While going thru chemo my house was filthy. Luckily my nieces came over a couple of times and cleaned. He did do the dishes but he was the one who dirtied them. He would also go to town to eat and never once did he ask could he bring something back for me. He did his own laundry but never asked if I had clothes that needed to be washed.


    When family would call to see how I was doing he would tell them he didn't know I was in bed. Told one friend he thought I was just bored! Now one month after finishing chemo he is sending me job postings!
  • DebbyM
    DebbyM Member Posts: 3,289 Member
    #32
    pbrndm5 said:

    Hi Denise
    My hubby has been very supportive as far as going to Dr. appts., radiation, oncologist etc.

    I do know how you feel though. I can't seem to get him to understand all the fear I have. Whenever I bring up the future and my fear of recurrence, he sluffs it off and says let's worry about that if and when it happens. I think he's trying to make me feel better, but I need him to
    listen to me. I mean really listen. He's a great hubby, a wonderful dad, but I can't seem to make him talk about his feelings. Sometimes I think he thinks I'm just complaining.

    My husband has been by my
    My husband has been by my side this whole time. To me, he is the most wonderful, caring man in the world.

    But, we have to realize how hard this is on them also. They are our protectors, and, they can't protect us or defend us from bc.


    Sometimes just having a heart to heart talk with them to explain how you are feeling could open up a lot of doors.


    Hugs, Debby
  • Punkindo
    Punkindo Member Posts: 113
    #33
    My man.....
    My husband too didn't seem overly concerned with the whole process. He went to one Chemo with me and none of the radiation treatments. He did show up for the surgeries, but had them call him when it was time to pick me up. When I was going thru Chemo, he actaully went out of town twice for about a week each time and left me at home with our two small children. I guess to him it wasn't a big deal. On my last radiation appointment, I brought an edible arrangement for the nurses because they were amazing. He asked when I was going so he could go with. I told him that since he didn't go to any of my appointments with me that he wasn't invited. :) After I made it thru everything and my hair started growing back, he said that I was now a survivor and it was over..... I laughted at him. I told him that every day when I took my shower and saw the scars and delt with the hot flashes from the tamoxifen that I was reminded. When I can't rember names and other things I should know because of the chemo brain, I am reminded. Also the visits-it seems like at least once a month- to the surgeon, the oncologist, the radiologist, and my family dr, I am reminded. Every time I look in the mirror and see my short (used to be long) hair, I am reminded. I told him that everytime I get a headache, I wonder..... Every 6 months when I have another mamogram, I stress. I told him that as much as I wished it was "over" that it will never be, even if I never have a recurrence, because it will always be on my mind. He still doesn't really get it, but I decided not to divorce him..... yet :)
  • jo jo
    jo jo Member Posts: 1,175 Member
    #34
    Hey Denise...it just plain
    Hey Denise...it just plain sucks when your in a situation like that...i had both supportive and non-supportive...let me explain. In the beginning he did everything for me and was so supportive. After i was dancing with NED everything changed...its like i was suppose to automatically return to NORMAL! He even told me about that time that he actually thought i would die from this but once he found out i wasnt things changed. He was still supportive in his own way just nothing like he was before and now he really doesnt want to hear about any side effects or anything like that...guess hes had enough but sorry it hasnt ended for me yet. It has caused fights but i want to think its getting a little better.
  • EveningStar2
    EveningStar2 Member Posts: 491 Member
    #35
    disneyfan2008 said:

    wow...Jennifer
    Can't change them for sure...I totally get it...

    I did it all for years..about 7 yrs ago i lost it / cracked/ broke what ever...i was trying to be super mom, wife, daughter and now know I can't and don't try...i let things go , don't stress (married 25 yrs) so now after much therapy back then...he does much much more!

    but I totally understand your side...so vent away...

    I am going for coloscopy (I go annually) Thurs...so we'll both be loopy that day! NICE YOUR mom is around...to help..

    bitter....go for it..been there and done that..

    Denise

    My hubby
    I know he loves me, I know he is scared to death that this disease will take me away from him. But he doesn't "get it" but I don't think any one that has not heard the words "you have cancer" do get it! So I make sure that he knows what I need because I tell him!

    Maureen
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #36
    jo jo said:

    Hey Denise...it just plain
    Hey Denise...it just plain sucks when your in a situation like that...i had both supportive and non-supportive...let me explain. In the beginning he did everything for me and was so supportive. After i was dancing with NED everything changed...its like i was suppose to automatically return to NORMAL! He even told me about that time that he actually thought i would die from this but once he found out i wasnt things changed. He was still supportive in his own way just nothing like he was before and now he really doesnt want to hear about any side effects or anything like that...guess hes had enough but sorry it hasnt ended for me yet. It has caused fights but i want to think its getting a little better.

    @jo jo
    we went for long ride long talk-about lots...but cancer did come up...! When I said I never missed a beat with anything-family, work, grandkids, household things...he said well maybe if you complain more someone would listen (in so few words) I said YOU KNOW I AM NOT a complainer ane will not for anyone...but would be nice if you ask about DR appt this or that...

    HE did say He is very concerned for my health etc...so i just want a bit of interest in it..I am not an attention seeker..-Don't get me wrong..

    thanks for your imput..

    Denise
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #37
    Punkindo said:

    My man.....
    My husband too didn't seem overly concerned with the whole process. He went to one Chemo with me and none of the radiation treatments. He did show up for the surgeries, but had them call him when it was time to pick me up. When I was going thru Chemo, he actaully went out of town twice for about a week each time and left me at home with our two small children. I guess to him it wasn't a big deal. On my last radiation appointment, I brought an edible arrangement for the nurses because they were amazing. He asked when I was going so he could go with. I told him that since he didn't go to any of my appointments with me that he wasn't invited. :) After I made it thru everything and my hair started growing back, he said that I was now a survivor and it was over..... I laughted at him. I told him that every day when I took my shower and saw the scars and delt with the hot flashes from the tamoxifen that I was reminded. When I can't rember names and other things I should know because of the chemo brain, I am reminded. Also the visits-it seems like at least once a month- to the surgeon, the oncologist, the radiologist, and my family dr, I am reminded. Every time I look in the mirror and see my short (used to be long) hair, I am reminded. I told him that everytime I get a headache, I wonder..... Every 6 months when I have another mamogram, I stress. I told him that as much as I wished it was "over" that it will never be, even if I never have a recurrence, because it will always be on my mind. He still doesn't really get it, but I decided not to divorce him..... yet :)

    wow you packed it all in ...comment
    I totally get you...while going through BC my colitis (had for 16 yrs) was out of control, then surgery, radiation and MENOPAUSE...i did tell him yesterday he has NO CLUE...many other wives would not have been so laid back...I dint' miss a beat with family, house or work...(i was very lucky) I TOO bought Ediable arrangment to my team at Cancer Ctr on my last day.
    (ironically my last treatment was on mandidory breakfast for work at different location far away-I told them I had my last treatment-I GOT an ok to leave a bit early to make it...so caring they were...geshhh but that's a whole nother story)

    I too see lop sided boobs-as much as i try to not take notice...i have very little scaring and had no burning during treatment...

    so we are not alone...in all this..
    Denise
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #38
    sweetvickid said:

    Not a good guy
    Wish I could gush on my husband but I can't. He never lifted a finger around the house. While going thru chemo my house was filthy. Luckily my nieces came over a couple of times and cleaned. He did do the dishes but he was the one who dirtied them. He would also go to town to eat and never once did he ask could he bring something back for me. He did his own laundry but never asked if I had clothes that needed to be washed.


    When family would call to see how I was doing he would tell them he didn't know I was in bed. Told one friend he thought I was just bored! Now one month after finishing chemo he is sending me job postings!

    @sweetvickid
    So so sorry...see I shouldn't complain about mine...so sorry so support for you...nice you had a niece come over...

    terriable never asked if wanted food while he was out...I wish i lived near by...

    Denise
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #39
    EveningStar2 said:

    My hubby
    I know he loves me, I know he is scared to death that this disease will take me away from him. But he doesn't "get it" but I don't think any one that has not heard the words "you have cancer" do get it! So I make sure that he knows what I need because I tell him!

    Maureen

    either they get it or they don't
    and many dont...!
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #40
    EveningStar2 said:

    My hubby
    I know he loves me, I know he is scared to death that this disease will take me away from him. But he doesn't "get it" but I don't think any one that has not heard the words "you have cancer" do get it! So I make sure that he knows what I need because I tell him!

    Maureen

    either they get it or they don't
    and many dont...!
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #41
    UPDATE...denial 101
    long long serious talk with hubby..about his denial of my and illness(s) and his lack of listening...(seriously ADHD like our 2 children) I THINK I may have gotten to him with this talk...KEEP good thoughts he'll keep up with all going on...!

    I can dream cna't I? hehe...

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