Feeling deflated and resentful

wiscgirl

I am 18 mos post breast cancer treatment for Stage 2B invasive ductal Cancer. Surgery chemo radiation all I attended mostly alone. My spouse in WC family there for first appts and surgery but then work and family took over. I am feeling very deflated and alone right now as my family treats me as if I never had cancer. No one askes how I am doing they assume everything is back to normal.

I feel resentment towards my spouse as I am caring for him daily transport to PT making dinner shopping with no relief . Even during cancer treatment I did it all but had no one caring for me when I could have used alittle TLC

Just wondering if anyone has ever felt this way . It is hard as I really have no one to talk with . Thanks for listening

BattleStar

Hello I am sorry to here of your situation, a lot of time in the beginning people are shocked when hearing the news but as time passes it can turn into not so life touching anymore for some. they become used to it as just being a thing and lack understanding. I myself have stage 4. to me whether or not someone becomes cure of the cancer or has it, its life altering and things are never the same. it does lasting damage. it can be hard to get people who don't have it to understand how relentless it is. there are many who will not offer help and will just tell you. "you have this" you will be fine. such comments or attitudes are not helpful but unfortunately its a realistic problem. God bless you. have conversation with God on these matters and ask for guidance. I will be praying for you.

wiscgirl

BattleStar

Thank you so much for your comments and understanding of my situation. Cancer changes your world but unless you have had to deal with it's treatments and daily fear of it's persistence, you can't grasp the anxiety we experience on a daily basis. I wish those closest to me could understand .

I wish you the very best in your cancer journey and my hope God continues to bless and watch over you.

mmbayne

I would recommend getting a small service dog that can go with you to appointments, I took my standard poodle to my chemo appts and it really made a difference about the whole visit. He was such a good boy too, laid right in the bed with me and flirted with all the nurses.

Second, you must live for you first, stop doing anything for your spouse- unless it makes you happy of course!!

wiscgirl

Mmbayne

Thank you for your comments and understanding. A dog would be wonderful We had 2 while living in our home.

My husband is very needy and as a retired RN , I feel like it is my duty to care for him. BUT you are right, I need to change my mindset and live for me first.

Thank you for your response.

BattleStar

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1725725#Comment_1725725

I know its hard when the ones that should be closest just don't get it. I have had interaction with strangers I have crossed paths with that cared and showed more understanding than those I knew already. it's important to remember not to let people get you down. talk to people and do things that you enjoy to help with the stress. cancer has a tendency to take over your life, becomes the normal and you become swallowed up in nothing but treatment doctors and so forth. you need more than that, have to give yourself a break from all of it. go to a park or something where you can just walk or sit down to have some serenity away from everything else, it helps. God knows your struggles. talk with God everyday. God bless you

wiscgirl

BattleStar

Yes your comments are very true . I do find joy being with my 4 granddaughters. Their energy and love are gifts.

I do try to find "ME" time but it often is difficult. I have to find my new normal and that is my struggle.

Thank you God bless

Ares

Ares

I had a different cancer but a similar reaction. My hubby went missing in action. My kids were stand offish. It's been over 10 years cancer free. One sister is an RN and mostly understands. What I have realized is that I was always the strong, ask me to do anything and I'll find a way, If you need help and comfort I'm here for you , mom figure. When I went down it scared my family. They didn't know what to do. They were lost becausevI was always there to help them cope with things. I was the rock. It wasn't that they didn't care, they were just so afraid they would lose me. It's still hard for them. I have a wonderful therapist that helps me ask for what I want instead of being hurt I have to ask. She helps me deal with my fears and frustrations and anger at the disease that changed me forever so I can be a new kind of strong. The new me has added a layer of vulnerability that my family is learning to live with. And I rely on God more.

wiscgirl

Ares

I so appreciate your comment as you have described my position in family perfectly! I am the sounding board for everyone sons sister husband friends ! But when it comes to my feelings SILENCE! I also have mental health professionals helping me cope adjusting to cancer post treatment . As a cancer survivor,we are the only ones who understand our past normal will never be the same.

I am so sorry about your husband ,you certainly have had a tramatic cancer journey.I pray God continues to watch over you .

bibliophile

Wiscgirl, I am sorry you are feeling alone. It is hard because no one can really understand this journey who hasn't been through it. As moms, I think it is even harder for us because we are so used to taking care of everyone else, and sometimes we just want someone to take care of us. I was diagnosed two years ago and still had three kids in high school (two more in college), and they just wanted to be normal kids, not "the kid whose mom has cancer" so they pretty much acted like I wasn't sick. Thankfully, most of the time I could cope well enough with treatments for that to work for them in public, but it left me feeling really alone and un-cared for sometimes. In my head I knew it was because, as Ares said, it was just too scary to think about what could happen and they just wanted me to be okay, so they acted like I already was. Unfortunately, that hasn't changed all that much even though I am still battling this (originally CRC with spread to lungs, ovary, distant sites of my colon, and peritoneum). Talking honestly with my husband about what I need from him helps, although he still doesn't completely understand. And this site has helped a lot, too, talking to other people who do understand. Hang in there!

wiscgirl

Bibliophile,

Thank you for your comments. Alot of what you wrote sounded so similar to my situation . I am the go-to person in my family always have been . My husband relies on me for everything but offers little understanding. It is comforting to know others know how I feel.

It sounds like you cancer journey continues I will keep you in my prayers .

Ares

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1725744#Comment_1725744

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1725744#Comment_1725744

Thank you for your kind words. We women are stronger than we ever thought. Over 10 years out and I still worry it'll return. But I've made a point of connecting to my kids with things they like. And I watch my granddarling now. I get so much love. She lights up when she sees Grammy. No one else will do for her. Another on the way. Even though I have fought extra fatigue since treatment I just take naps when I can. Then. I have so much joy from my little one that everything up til now is a far away memory. She doesn't know from cancer. Just loves me. I pray your road gets easier. I have a feeling it will.