Fiancé left me due to the pressure and the future

DolFanStu
DolFanStu CSN Member Posts: 2 Member
in Prostate Cancer #1

Hi, I am new here. My name is STUART and I just had surgery to remove my prostate cancer on July 16. Since then, my recovery is going well, but 2 days ago my fiancé has decided it was too much for her to handle and left me. I don’t know where to reach out to or who else to speak to about the constant depression and feeling that I am so unwanted due to my diagnosis and side effects of having my prostate removed. Are there online zoom groups where people talk this out? Is this common and something that I should’ve expected?

Comments

  • Wheel
    Wheel CSN Member Posts: 252 Member
    #2

    Wow, You can see here if you review this site how many spouses and significant others come on to learn and research information to help their partners. It is certainly not unheard of with cancer diagnosis’s after time due to strain of being an extensive care provider it wears down the person and they need emotional support or divorce’s occur. I have not heard within days I am out of here. If you would share more details of your diagnosis staging up to your surgery and age, alot of members can tell you where they were at a similar time. Yes, many have side effects but the side effects vary and can diminish. Even with your prostate gone, many women want the emotional closeness that comes in a relationship and knowing you find them still sexually attractive and can satisfy them in a number of ways keeps relationships strong. I can’t speak to your fiance walking out, but it could be for the best. There are support groups by contacting your hospital .

  • centralPA
    centralPA CSN Member Posts: 422 Member
    #3

    @DolFanStu you've been heard, shipmate. You just got airdropped into the emotional jungle of cancer, so to speak. Lots of folks will chime in.

    There is a great book out, called deep survival by Lawrence and in it it has the 12 habits of successful survivors. This web page has a great summary:

    https://csn.cancer.org/home/leaving?allowTrusted=1&target=https%3A%2F%2Fwhatgotyouthere.com%2Fdeep-survival-who-lives-who-dies-and-why-by-laurence-gonzales-book-recap%2F
    1. Perceive, believe (look, see, believe). 
    2. Stay calm (use humor, use fear to focus). 
    3. Think/analyze/plan (get organized; set up small, manageable tasks). 
    4. Take correct, decisive action (be bold and cautious while carrying out tasks). 
    5. Celebrate your successes (take joy in completing tasks). 
    6. Count your blessings (be grateful—you’re alive). 
    7. Play (sing, play mind games, recite poetry, count anything, do mathematical problems in your head). 
    8. See the beauty (remember: it’s a vision quest). 
    9. Believe that you will succeed (develop a deep conviction that you’ll live). 
    10. Surrender (let go of your fear of dying; “put away the pain”). 
    11. Do whatever is necessary (be determined; have the will and the skill). 
    12. Never give up (let nothing break your spirit). 

    Same as if you in an airplane that crash landed in the Amazon, you are in a new world you didn't choose. Treat them the same way, be a survivor, not a victim.

  • swl1956
    swl1956 CSN Member Posts: 264 Member
    #4

    Stuart,

    In matters of the heart and understanding women, I think most of us are in the dark. I empathize with you for I too once had a similar experience. Not because of prostate cancer, but a similar scenario. Anyhow, even though it may seem impossible now, time does heal all wounds. In retrospect, I'm probably better off now than I would have been if she didn't leave.

    Stay strong and focus on your recovery!

  • Josephg
    Josephg CSN Member Posts: 526 Member
    edited July 30 #5
    https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/329559/fiance-left-me-due-to-the-pressure-and-the-future

    Stuart,

    As a 13 year PCa survivor and a marriage survivor for 50+ years, I can tell you that PCa is not the only situation that will sorely test a relationship. There have been many tough relationship testing situations for me and my wife over this half century, and PCa is definitely NOT among the worst situations that we went through.

    Bottom line, if your relationship with your fiancé went south over your PCa diagnosis, I will tell you that the relationship would not have lasted anyway. This may not reduce your current depression, but you've most likely saved yourself a lot of future depression with this broken relationship.

    I wish you the best of outcomes for your PCa and future relationships.

  • Clevelandguy
    Clevelandguy CSN Member Posts: 1,344 Member
    #6

    Hi,

    Good comments from the above survivors. It might be difficult, but if she would not stick by you now would she really be there for you in a more difficult situation(s) as you go through life? A dedicated person will stick by you in ALL situations. I would check with your doctor for a referral to a help center or cancer recovery group.

    Dave 3+4

  • DolFanStu
    DolFanStu CSN Member Posts: 2 Member
    #7
    https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1723781#Comment_1723781
    https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1723804#Comment_1723804

    thank you so much for everybody’s comments and yes, I agree. I think because I just had surgery less than two weeks ago to have my prostate removed after months of her and I speaking about it just in total shock and disbelief that I got hit with this now. This is the hardest time in my life and although I know that I’ve done the right thing in for me to have a life we were just so good together. Till this. She just couldn’t handle watching what I’m going through and she ran like Gilligan would run from Ginger

    Anyway enough about that this is not a pity party. just looking for somebody I can talk with other people. I’ve reached out to my doctor at Kaiser Permanente and the best they could do is set me up with something on August but I was really hoping for something . I just don’t know where to turn.

  • Old Salt
    Old Salt CSN Member Posts: 1,673 Member
    #8

    Yes, what others wrote: find a support group that you feel comfortable with. Could be on line or in your neck of the woods. A psychologist might be helpful as well.

    Ask your doctor for a referral if necessary, or the hospital where you had your surgery.

  • Marlon
    Marlon CSN Member Posts: 185 Member
    #9

    Stuart, don't hesitate to talk to a therapist about your situation. There are undoubtably some local support groups with which you can share things and a therapist can point you in the right direction. Some people just can't or won't take the sickness/health better/worse thing seriously.

  • ASAdvocate
    ASAdvocate CSN Member Posts: 194
    edited July 30 #10

    There are many online support groups ( I participate in maybe a dozen, mostly on Facebook). But, there are monthly in-person meetings, held by groups like Us TOO and local hospitals, that are very valuable.


    Partners bailing out after RP is not uncommon. It’s usually with short time relationships.

    Don’t be discouraged. Probably millions of men have been in your situation. Let her go, and learn from others what you can do to improve your quality of life, both sexual and mental.

  • hopeful and optimistic
    hopeful and optimistic CSN Member Posts: 2,347 Member
    #11

    AS advocate mentioned USTOO. This is a national organization that lists support groups for local chapters both on line and in person. I am involved with one, prostate forum of Orange County, based in so California that meets twice a month via zoom. The website is prostateforum.org

  • Steve1961
    Steve1961 CSN Member Posts: 699 Member
    #12

    personally I don’t know your situation but beating cancer, which you did is worth more than anything. Any it to me and I don’t know why she left you if it wasn’t your fault all the more reason why you didn’t need to with that woman because

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