When to Override Parent?

never_mind_jes
never_mind_jes CSN Member Posts: 2 Member
in Caregivers #1

My mom, 74, was very unexpectedly diagnosed with stage-4 lung cancer in October 2024. The cancer is in her lungs, liver, bones, brain, and a few other fun spots. The bone and brain lesions scare her the most. Anyway, she's been on Tagrisso and responded really well, but her most recent PET scan and MRI (last week) show some small progression. She's particularly worried about new activity in her frontal lobe. She doesn't see her doctors to discuss the scans until Tuesday/Wednesday of next week. In the meantime, not surprisingly, she's fretting (to put it mildly), visiting Dr. Google, and otherwise convincing herself of every worst possible scenario.

Tonight, she complained of terrible pain in her right shoulder, occasionally traveling down to her rib. Mom is not an attention grabber or faker; for her to admit pain (which she described as a 7 on a 1-10 scale) is a big deal. She was writhing around on her bed and having difficulty speaking. But she would not let me take her to the ER or call an ambulance. She wouldn't even let me wake my brother (we're on a family vacation — I'm 46, and my brother is 38).

All of this is to ask: At what point do I ignore my mother's wishes? I technically have power of medical authorization (or whatever that's called), but she's still completely competent. That said, if it were one of her kids writhing on the bed and feeling intense pain, she'd have us on the way to the hospital in minutes. Shouldn't I do the same? Or do I respect her because she's a grown woman?

Comments

  • ml_roberts
    ml_roberts CSN Member Posts: 4 Member
    #2

    I am not sure what you chose but she sounds like she was present and competent. The question always is who are yoy making a choice for? You or your mom? Who benefits?

  • never_mind_jes
    never_mind_jes CSN Member Posts: 2 Member
    #3
    https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1723919#Comment_1723919

    Thank you! To be honest, I don't even remember making this post. 😅 I remember the incident, of course, and was up all night afterwards, so I must have posted during that sleepless interlude. Anyway, I ended up acceding to her wishes, the pain subsided, and she was able to sleep. Over the next few days the pain pretty much completely abated, and a just-in-case MRI of her shoulder showed age- and trauma-related wear and tear, but nothing cancer related. Even better, the "progression" she (and the rest of the family, to be fair) thought was indicated in her PET scan and MRI was nothing, and her treatment plan is currently holding steady (one reason I REALLY wish they wouldn't post scan/test results before appointments, especially when it might be up to a week between scan and appointment, and patients really don't need to be reading those tea leaves themselves).

    All of that is to say, I appreciate your response, and I'm also going to take your question as a rule of thumb moving forward (because someday the resolution won't be as simple as this one was): Is this for me or for Mom? I think that's a good guiding light. Thanks again!

    Take care!

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