When you know someone needs you but they will not open up

Saira

I first want to thank you for reading my post. I sit on many volunteer boards for Cancer and promote a cancer policy. I don’t do it for monetary value but only to help others from the financial devastation I went through many years ago. I was fortunate that my family member survived.

Most recently, I have a few of my friends that I am helping as policy holders but know they are not reaching out to me for just help as an agent.

Rather using it as an excuse to reach out to me.

What can I say or do for them and their families?

I found out last night that one of them is terminal and they sent me a message very late. I know they are not connecting with me to get help from me to file a claim but to much pride to say they need someone to talk to

The only thing I know to say is I’m sorry and saying that feels wrong.

I know my friend needs me and I want to know what I can say or do so he may open up to me.

I know he won’t open up to his family and doesn’t want to be a “burden”

I need some guidance from someone on what I can say or do so they know that they are not bothering me and that I want to help them no matter time or day

Right now he is battling this alone as he doesn’t want to affect his family or friends emotionally

But that’s what we are here for

They always start there text by, “sorry to bother you so late” . It breaks my heart

Any guidance would be appreciated. As much as I would love to say it does not affect me, I am devastated and broken

How do you let them know without just coming out and saying it

I have tried it

If I say that, he will say, “I am fine”

I am at a loss and just want some advice on how to help him open up so he doesn’t feel alone.

bibliophile

Every person is different, but I think there are many similarities in the way people react. If a person is reaching out, you are probably right - they don't want you to file a claim for them, they just need another person to talk to. When I do that, sometimes I am not ready to talk about the big things yet, but it is nice just to hear another person's voice. Sometimes just talking to someone about normal things for a while lets me work up the courage to say something that is hard. And those of us who are battling cancer know there are not always answers. That's okay. Often for me it is enough just to know that someone is willing to listen. I appreciate it when someone just says something like, "I'm glad to be someone you can talk to." For me, having someone who is willing to tell me what is going on in their life also helps. A lot of my friends don't want to complain about their bad day at work or their car troubles or tell me about their lives because "they're nothing compared to what you're going through", but I still want to hear those things. It makes me feel more normal and like I am not just always taking and have nothing to give but that maybe I can give back in a relationship, too. I don't know that this helped or really answered your question, but thanks for being there for your friend.

Saira

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1723355#Comment_1723355

Thank you, it does. I did say something back to him and we had some light conversation. After that, he told me they were stopping his chemo after 7 weeks. He was stage 3 laryngeal cancer. Then told me they would be putting him on palliative care. Does that mean what I think it may mean ? Please tell me he will be ok. My heart is broken.

bibliophile

I won't lie to you. I can't tell you for sure he will be okay. And I can understand the grief. But palliative care can be very nuanced. I, also, was just told that my future treatments would be palliative and not curative. Technically, palliative means focusing on minimizing side effects and improving quality of life. Many treatments for advanced stage cancer can have horrible side effects. I do not really know anything about laryngeal cancer, but I would think that preserving his ability to speak would be important to weigh when considering treatment options. So in this case it is possible that palliative just means that they are focusing on his quality of life and minimizing traumatic side effects. Palliative care can be end of life, but it can also last for decades. That term says nothing specific in and of itself about how long a person might still live, so don't give up hope. And if you have questions, just ask him if he minds telling you more. I always appreciate when people ask me about things like "what does palliative care mean in your case?" It is hard for me not to feel like I am burdening people when I just offer hard information but sometime I do really want to talk about it and it helps when people ask. Maybe your friend would feel the same?

Saira

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1723364#Comment_1723364

I am sorry that you are going through this. And you’re right, I should definitely ask him what it means. I never thought about it from that standpoint. When he told me that they where taking him off and then used the term “palliative care”, I assumed that meant end of life care Naturally, as a human, I became quiet and this probably sounds selfish but I am scared to know the answer. The cancer he has is neck cancer. He is a firefighter and was finally getting ready to retire at the young age of 52. He has 3 young kids at home and know he keeps such a positive attitude up at home. He never asks for help and spent his years serving his community. I know prior to deciding on the chemo and radiation that the first opinion was to do surgery. If he chose that route, than they told him that he would never speak again. When he went to a very well known hospital for a second opinion, they told him if he went through targeted mapping with his therapy that there was a great chance that he would keep his voice. He decided on the latter and at week 2, I visited him at work and he was talking to me while taking zofran and needing a bag so he didn’t get sick.

For years prior and still today, I still see him as one of the kindest and truly genuine people and ask myself, why him ? or why anyone for that matter. Through the following weeks of chemo and radiation, I watched as he gradually showed up less and less to work.

That is when he started texting me more and more and always would start off apologizing for taking my time. If only he knew that I would rather him not bear all his emotions internally but rather him tell me more.

You are right and maybe this is his way of wanting me to ask more questions.

You are so kind and definitely will take your advice. Maybe if I would ask more questions instead of apologizing like I did with you, he would explain in more detail. I think I am scared to know the answer and how to respond. I hope that does not sound selfish of me.

I wish I could rewind time or take a magic wand and wave it away.

I appreciate you being so candid with me. I know I will most definitely be reaching out to check on him tomorrow and see what he says and just listen. As they say, that’s what friends are for.

If it’s okay, I may come back here to ask more questions. You have definitely put my mind at ease and helped me see it from a different prospective in terms of what he may need from me. You’re right, he may just be inviting me to ask more questions. As hard as it is for me to hear, I can only imagine what he may be going through internally.

Thank you and wishing you a speedy recovery.

bibliophile

You don't sound selfish. You sound incredibly kind. I would be happy to talk anytime you would like. If I don't respond right away, it's not because of you. I am starting a new round of particularly aggressive chemo next week, so I may just not check as often. But, as I have already said, that doesn't mean I don't want to communicate or that you are asking too much. On the contrary, it gives me something constructive to do with my time. It may just take me longer 😊. And if you would prefer to do this in private messages instead of the public forum, that is also okay with me.

Have a wonderful day!

bibliophile

On another note, if he has young kids, they probably aren't ready to process all of this, but his adult family members (does he have a wife?) probably also want to be there for him, and encouraging him to let them in might also be useful. Cancer is isolating enough without losing family as your people you can tell things too, even with the best of motives to "protect" them.