Am I wrong?

daddysgirl79

Hello,

I hope this message finds you well. I am reaching out for support as I navigate a challenging situation with my dad, who was admitted to the hospital on June 6, 2024, after being diagnosed with basal cell carcinoma. Following a series of tests and consultations, we met with an oncologist whose advice left me feeling quite uneasy. He suggested that if my dad took a chemotherapy pill, he could be considered cancer-free, but it would require him to remain on the medication indefinitely.

My dad’s situation is particularly complex. He struggles with schizophrenia, which complicates his treatment options. He has consistently refused to take medication for his mental illness, leading to difficult experiences during my upbringing. Growing up, I witnessed him battling his own demons, and sadly, these challenges resulted in abusive behavior towards me and my siblings. Although I have begun to heal from that past, the impact it had on our family dynamics remains.

Despite the oncologist's assurances, my dad seemed to cling to the notion that he could be cured simply by taking the chemotherapy pill. It was a bittersweet relief when we eventually visited a dermatologist to assess the extent of his skin cancer and discuss surgical options. My father was hesitant and uncertain about the surgery, but my mom, the doctor, and I assured him that he had ultimate control over his health decisions. Unfortunately, my dad’s cancer, which he believed was merely a spider bite, had significantly worsened over the past three years, transforming from a small mole into a concerning 1.5-inch tall, 1-inch wide mass on the left side of his temple. It had now affected his eyesight in his left eye and spread to his lymph nodes, as well as his brain, lungs, spine, and colon.

When it came time for his final appointment with the dermatologist, my dad refused to attend, so I went in his place. As I sat in the consultation room, my heart sank as the dermatologist delivered the devastating news: my dad’s simple skin cancer had progressed to terminal cancer, the chemotherapy pill had failed, and surgery was no longer an option. I was advised to consider hospice care sooner rather than later, a heartbreaking reality I had to face.

After the appointment, I returned home and shared the news with my mom. Understanding my father's volatile state of mind, we both feared that if he learned of his terminal diagnosis, he might spiral into a state of despair that could lead to a violent reaction, potentially harming my mother or himself. This fear was not unfounded; my father's history created a deep concern for our family's safety.

As we discussed our options, it became clear that we felt it was safer for my dad not to be aware of his terminal condition; we wanted to shield him from despair while maintaining a positive atmosphere. The hospice organization I found was sympathetic to this need, agreeing to keep our communications focused on support and care without burdening my father with the weight of his illness. With my background in hospice, long-term care, and rehabilitation, I felt confident in managing his care plan and ensuring he received the best possible support.

However, as time has passed, I find myself wrestling with doubts. It is now a year into this journey, and while my dad knows he is unwell, he does not connect his sickness to cancer. As he approaches the end of his life, I question whether I made the right choice by withholding this critical information. Did I act out of love, or did I make the decision primarily for my own comfort? I cannot shake the fear that had he known the truth, he might have either hurt my mom or succumbed to despair, abandoning the hope for joy in whatever moments he had left.

Am I wrong for making this choice? I am truly struggling with these feelings and would deeply appreciate any guidance you could offer. Thank you for taking the time to listen.

mak1970

I am so sorry that you are going through this, and your mother and father are so lucky to have you there to support them. You should also be grateful that you have had the additional time with him, though I know the journey is not measured just by time; I hope it has been a time of whatever comfort, peace and joy could come out of the situation.
As for the doubt about your decision, this has nothing to do with your father at this point- it is about you since it is too late to go back and change anything. You were put into a position to make a choice, and both alternatives were not ideal. You made the decision with love and that is what you should remember; if it had been just about your own comfort you would not be questioning it now. You are strong and should be proud you were able to be there and help your family.