Relationship challenges

meera25

I don't have a safe place to talk about this, and I could really use some support and insights from others. This has the potential to turn into a long post so I'll try to stick with the nuts and bolts.

I'm 46 and this is my second time in treatment for breast cancer, first time I was 32. Both times the plan was lumpectomy + radiation and chemo. Working full time through treatment, and I still do many things around the house including grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, and yard work/mowing. Chemo sucks right now, it's much harder than 14 years ago, but I'm abut halfway through it. My world has gotten a little smaller (like I can't travel etc) but I have been trying to stay connected with friends, stay physically active, and to not to let cancer steal my joy.

My partner is doing his best. I know that. He is squeamish so he doesn't come to most of my appointments. I also try not to take up too much space, or let cancer **** take up too much space anyway, though some days it's impossible because my treatment affects how I eat, my energy level, my appearance. And we do love each other. If our relationship survives this, we'll celebrate 30 years together this year.

A few weeks ago after getting turned down (again) for intimacy, I learned that one of the reasons is because chemo has changed my body chemistry and smell. It's mortifying! I've taken showers 2-3 times/day since and I'm not sure what else I can do other than pray it's temporary. I think there are other reasons in getting turned down... none of them great, most of them centered around me being repulsive in my current state... bald, puffy, bruised. This is very difficult to reckon with. My partner also says he feels guilty enjoying anything when I'm going through all this, but it's not like I'm initiating on days when I'm feeling yucky. It's somewhat more than physical intimacy, like we are kind of coexisting but not really connecting like we did before.

What's such a stumper is, this is all so different than last time. I know caregiver burnout is totally a thing, but I'm also not asking him to really do much other than walk with me through the journey. I am trying to be patient but it's very hard to go through this while also wondering if it might just be easier if I could disappear and free him from this burden. I absolutely hate what cancer has done to my best friend's life, maybe even more than what it's done to mine.

Can anyone relate?