I'm trying to cope.

Oscar3D

After a car accident in September of 2024, scans revealed brain swelling from a 3.4cm tumor in my right frontal lobe. Further scans revealed a 5.3cm tumor in my lung. The lung tumor was identified as small cell neuroendocrine cancer. I had a craniotomy in October of 2024 to remove the brain tumor. Following a brief recovery period, I was started on 4 rounds of I.V. chemotherapy and 33 sessions of targeted radiation for the lung tumor. I kept getting good news and seemed to respond well to the treatments without many side effects. Shortly after those sessions ended, I was put on 10 sessions of brain radiation to eliminate any potential microscopic cancer cells. All of my hair finally fell out. I had felt pretty hopeful with all of the good news from the scans, and still feel that way most of the time. I'm having a very hard time quitting smoking, even despite going through what I have. I feel shame and anxiety. I feel like other people think I'm getting what I deserve. Maybe that's what I think about myself, and I'm just projecting that onto everyone else. Everyone around me has been supportive, so I have no reason to think that way. I've recently been able to spend more time alone at my house, which has caused me to reflect on everything that's happened in the last 8 months. Even though I've been getting nothing but good news, relative to the situation, I keep dwelling on death. I feel a lot of fear and anxiety. I'm hoping that sharing my story and connecting with people who have shared similar experiences will help with my mental state.

eDivebuddy

just want to start by saying you are not alone. What you’re feeling is so much more common than people talk about.

After everything you’ve been through, car accident, brain surgery, lung treatment, chemo, radiation your mind and body are still trying to catch up. Fear, anxiety, guilt, and even grief are part of surviving something this big.

Please try to be kind to yourself about smoking. Surviving cancer doesn’t mean you magically stop being human. None of us deserve cancer, no matter what choices we made. You deserve support, not shame. It took me a long time before I even decided to quit.

Maybe a talk with a therapist could help. They had one for me when I quit, and they can help with so much more. It is not a weakness. It is actually one of the strongest things you can do. A lot of cancer centers have psychologists, counselors, or social workers who really specialize in this, and they get it.

Oscar3D

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1722443#Comment_1722443

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I'm trying to be understanding with myself. I can stop smoking for a day or two if I don't have the option. For instance, if the doctor's tell me that it might interfere with scan results. But as soon as the scan is over, I go back. I probably need a specialist help at this point. I was hoping to be able to drop the habit and have my mind go back to normal, but the way I'm feeling might be normal for me now.

eDivebuddy

When you're ready to quit, enlist some help. A little counseling and Chantix did the trick for me. Doing well in treatments also helped. I was originally given a 3- to 5-month prognosis, and at first, stopping smoking seemed like a waste of effort and a lot of unnecessary stress. But when I decided I was going to beat this, it was time to quit.

For the longest time, I had to use Xanax to sleep, and at random times I'd be overwhelmed with dread. I haven’t needed Xanax in four years now. The absolute dread has stopped, and although an occasional twinge of fear still pops up, it’s manageable. It can be done.

Oscar3D

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1722448#Comment_1722448

I'll check out Chantix and ask my doctor about it. I haven't wanted to use any medication, but it might be time to utilize it. I'm looking into support groups nearby as well. I've also felt like quitting is a waste of effort, but I don't want to think that way. It's hard to focus on positive things when the brain keeps shouting negative.

eDivebuddy

Yeah doing well in treatment really helped change my mindset. Once I made up my mind that I could and would beat this I knew I needed help. Prior to that started using an E cigarette. It was more to appease my guilt not about quitting. Still better than tobacco smoke. But gum would probably have been better. When it was time oncologist got a therapist and she's the one that actually prescribed the Chantix. There's more than one way to skin a car. It's the way that worked for me.

Oscar3D

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1722451#Comment_1722451

I've tried many different types of e-cigs. They seem to burn my throat more than tobacco smoke. I had been using Rogue nicotine pouches up until the car accident. I would work 6 hours in the morning at one job with maybe 1 smoke break, then 8 hours at another job with no breaks. The pouches and caffeine seemed to keep me from craving too much. But when I would get off and had a day off, I would chain smoke. There's probably something there that will work for me. I just have to take the steps to change my habits.

eDivebuddy

Habits are honestly harder than the addiction itself. For me something as little as sitting at the table on the deck has me automatically reaching for a cigarette. I don't drink much anymore but the bar used to be where I always failed.

Oscar3D

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1722454#Comment_1722454

For real. I used to chain smoke while driving. I stopped doing that after getting rides until I was cleared to drive. But every time I get into the driver's seat, I think about it. Sitting on the porch is a hard one as well. Drinking my morning coffee is the hardest though.

eDivebuddy

Yeah the first time I took chantix in the 90s I could not give up the cigarette with coffee. It was the one cigarette I enjoyed. I stayed on chantix for years because of it and because of it as soon as I stopped the Chantix I went straight back to smoking within a few days