Inability to ejaculate

reluctant_member · April 26

I finished treatment a year ago (radiation). My orgasms now are very weak and, of course, I don't ejaculate anymore. I did at first but it's gradually gone away.

This has made me damaged goods. All I hear is "did you ****?" or "are you ever going to ****?" or "why can't you ****?" I dread having sex but (not bragging) I'm decent looking and people still hit on me.

I picked radiation because research, and my doctor, told me that most guys still ejaculate after radiation for at least a few years but I guess I'm one of the unlucky ones.

If this is my life now I'm not sure I want it. Whenever I'm waiting on the subway platform I often think about throwing myself in front of the train but I'm too wimpy to do it. Fridays and Saturdays are the worst because those were always "sex days." I've started saving up my sleep meds for the week and take half on Friday and half on Saturday and pretty much sleep 12-14 hours a day on the weekends just to shut my brain off from this constant sadness and anger.

If I could undo my treatment I would in a heartbeat. I had no idea it would be this bad. Yes, everyone tells me dying of prostate cancer is painful but medical assistance in dying is legal where I live so that wouldn't be an issue if the cancer even did spread (I'm starting to think this whole prostate cancer thing is just bullsh*t to make money for doctors and hospitals).

How do you guys cope with this loss of your manhood?

centralPA · April 26

Probably by recognizing your junk and the ability to wield it is not what makes a man a man.

By not judging the quality of sex by whether or not it ends in a splooge, or even an orgasm.

By letting sex be more of a meditative thing to enjoyed while you are doing it, in the moment, instead of a steady march to a 4-5 second release.

By being open with your partner about the world you now live in. By paying closer attention during sex to all the things you ignored on your single-minded march to the almighty kill-myself-if-i-don’t-have-one spurtgasm.

In general, by not going through life feeling sorry for myself. By not being a victim, but instead being a survivor. We get to choose.

Josephg · April 26

I have to say that if sex is the primary definition of manhood in your mind, you have a distorted view of masculinity, IMO. I almost never suggest this, but in your case, I suggest that you get some psychological assistance from a medical professional to fully discuss your feelings and the reasons behind them.

Buff1977 · April 26

I think you must have more going on than just not being able to climax having intercourse. All your posts talk about how suicide may be your best solution. Everybody on this forum has some sort of problem from PC ….we all have our battles. I guess I agree with all central IPA says…..your complaining about not getting your rocks off seems like you might actually be writing these posts either to get reactions from the participants or you may actually want something your not talking about. Anyway, good luck with your journey !

Buff

swl1956 · April 26

I agree with all of the above comments. Many on here have partially or totally lost there "manhood" as you describe it. Me being one of them from an ablation, radiation, and hormone treatments. It's certainly not something I would have chosen, but sexual dysfunction is a very possible side effect from any of the treatments we've chosen. In my opinion, If it were a choice, being cancer free and still be able to control your urine and bowels is a far better outcome than losing sexual function. I don't think I'm in the minority, but believe there's very much more to life then sex. I'm speaking from a 68 year old point of view. I would imagine a much younger man might have more angst about your situation, but in the big scheme of things, get over it and move forward. Look at it this way. Think of all the far worse horrible situations others are facing from wars, advanced illnesses, and accidents, including young children. Losing your ability of erections or ejaculations is a cakewalk in comparison.

On_A_Journey · April 27

OP needs to work out what is more important - his sex life or his actual life. Sounds like he's been thinking with his little head instead of his big one.

All the replies are valid.

Grow up.

centralPA · April 27

@reluctant_member , I want to say something more about being a survivor instead of a victim. There is a great book out, called deep survival by Lawrence and in it it has the 12 habits of successful survivors. This web page has a great summary:

https://whatgotyouthere.com/deep-survival-who-lives-who-dies-and-why-by-laurence-gonzales-book-recap/

Perceive, believe (look, see, believe).
Stay calm (use humor, use fear to focus).
Think/analyze/plan (get organized; set up small, manageable tasks).
Take correct, decisive action (be bold and cautious while carrying out tasks).
Celebrate your successes (take joy in completing tasks).
Count your blessings (be grateful—you’re alive).
Play (sing, play mind games, recite poetry, count anything, do mathematical problems in your head).
See the beauty (remember: it’s a vision quest).
Believe that you will succeed (develop a deep conviction that you’ll live).
Surrender (let go of your fear of dying; “put away the pain”).
Do whatever is necessary (be determined; have the will and the skill).
Never give up (let nothing break your spirit).

I get your situation. I didn’t have radiation, but I did have HoLEP surgery, and I went from perfectly normal to zero ejaculate in one day. Throw in aging, and the frequency and quality of orgasms has gone way down. It is what it is. And yet…

My wife and I have sex almost every single morning. Yes, every morning.

I’ve learned that the best part of sex is now in the beginning and in the middle, and I’ve stopped worrying about having an orgasm at the end. I think she appreciates the lack of mess. I approach it differently than I used to and I get something out of it I didn’t get out of it before. It’s a different thing, it’s a different adventure, didn’t ask to be in this situation, but here I am, and it’s actually pretty good and interesting.

You got airdropped by prostate cancer into an unfamiliar environment, an emotional jungle. Same as if you in an airplane that crash landed in the Amazon. Treat them the same way, be a survivor, not a victim.

swl1956 · April 27

"My wife and I have sex almost every single morning. Yes, every morning."

Geez! You must have a hell of a wife! Even when I was in my prime, I thought at twice a week I was lucky. Lols!

reluctant_member · May 6

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1722402#Comment_1722402

I’m angry that doctors lied to get me to accept a treatment I would have refused had I been told ahead of time the possible side effects. I specifically said maintaining my sexuality was important to me and asked if I would suffer sexual side effects and was told “you’re young, you may have some libido issues while on Orgovyx but it wears off quickly when you stop taking it”. That was a flat out lie. I’ve gone from a muscular guy to someone who could pass as a hairless transgender woman. My anger is consuming me TBH and when I went to see a shrink all they wanted to do was stick me on yet another medication.

Clevelandguy · May 6

Hi,

First of all manhood is more than just ejaculating, if you don’t understand that then you need to think about what being a man is all about. A lot of us on this forum are some type of walking wounded in the sexual arena. Hopefully after your Orgovyx works out of your body you will return to a more normal state. Don’t let your radiation treatments define you as a man, work around them like most of us have done. The idea that Prostate cancer is bullxxxx is wrong. It is real and if left untreated will eat through your Prostate into your hips and spread to other parts of your body. There are several people who post hear that have had relatives or themself where the cancer has progressed to stage four. It sounds like sex is such a major compassion in your life that you think life is not worth living. But you are wrong, I think once you learn the value of living your mental outlook will change. Go fishing, take a walk in the woods, volunteer at a organization, get a hobby, ect. There is more to life than ejaculating, change the course of your life and learn to cope and live.

Dave 3+4

Khaffey · May 6

I'm 65 years old and 12 weeks post surgery. I'm married to the same woman for 45 years. Our sex life has changed drastically from 45 years ago to today. We're still trying to figure it out. As far as manhood goes, what makes me a man is being a good husband, father and grandfather. I am grateful that my cancer was caught early enough and now is undetectable. As time passes, we will figure out the rest. You didn't mention your age, but no matter what age we are, sometimes it's hard to accept that something we took for granted is not going to be the same anymore. Don't despair, there's more to life than ejaculating. Listen to centralPA, He has some good advice. Good luck !