How to manage

anicegirl33

I am in treatment for breast cancer, and it has been almost 4 months since my initial diagnosis. I feel sometimes like I don’t have any control over anything and that I am at the mercy of the care providers. I feel like I am waiting. My feet and ankles were really swollen before my first surgery and after this second one they got worse, but I think part of it was I wasn’t active as much before my first surgery. Mentally /emotionally it has felt very draining. I feel like I don’t have a handle on what’s happening and am constantly afraid of asking too many questions. I wish there was a pause; where I could just say, “hey! Stop! I don’t want to be okay with this!” Early on in my treatment I made the mistake to have a particular person accompany me to a couple appointments and opened up to her, and she seemed to minimize my feelings. She once suggested I refer to my having a diagnosis as not a big deal, maybe to not make people worry about it. She shared with a mutual acquaintance that I had had surgery when I had made clear that I wasn’t telling that detail, and when I told her I didn’t want it shared, she suggested that the other person would probably have guessed it was part of my treatment. I know from writing this that I need to address her. To move forward. I was grateful for her help, but I found myself frustrated after talking with her. She was a former babysitter of mine and my sister’s growing up, and we recently had reacquainted at the death of a mutual childhood friend from church growing up. With everything going on, it’s hard to feel like I have to walk on eggshells around someone. She used to be a therapist and at lunch after my appointments instead of letting me take everything in she would sit and psychoanalyze me and pick apart my anxiety. It was exhausting. I closed off so much because of this. I want to trust worthwhile people. I just have a hard time being forthcoming with her but think it will help me to get back to feeling more connected with my care. When I would talk at my appointment, she would come over and put her arms around me as if what I was saying was radical or something, or that I needed consoling. I felt like I couldn’t speak up about it at the time feeling so drained and unsure about what was happening with my treatment. Then we would go to lunch and she would instead of listening, ask me why I thought I was anxious, and talk about my family history. It was really oppressive. I feel like speaking up to her will help me get some grounding on how I feel about everything else. Any suggestions welcome.