Wife breast cancer

Mozub89

I have been taking care of my wife with stage 4 breast cancer the last 4 years. Is there such a thing as chemo brain. She can be nice to everyone but me. Been married 41 years.
anything I do is wrong and we argue often or I just listen to it.
am I doing something wrong? Any comments/suggestions welcome.

Mozub89

Bestway42

sometimes our hormones run wild and sometimes we feel may not be as pleasing to our spouses anymore such as not being able to do all the things we used to do with you and for you really hurts our self esteem because we are angry that we are very sick . She really loves you and truly appreciate you and all you do it’s just right now she has no control over her feelings. Keep doing what you are doing for her I know it’s hard . I took care of my dad with his cancer and he was very very mean to me and I didn’t understand why at that time but now three years later I have cancer and I realize now how my emotions is all over the place with lots of sociological distress

Mozub89

she has it in the right breast which she has gone to a wound care place but has been released from there. It is in her bones as well but blood work today to see if she can get chemo tomorrow. Her anc number was low last week so she couldn't get chemo.
verzenio worked for 2 years the piqray for about a year and she is on a new one now.
she won't let me or my son go to any appointments with her and I ask her what's going on she gets mad.
she says she doesn't want us to worry so she stays pretty quiet about status.
very frustrating.
I just figure I've done it this long I can keep going as long as I need to.
thanks for any thoughts or input.

HoldUrHorses

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1721101#Comment_1721101

When treatments stop working, is very difficult to for a patient to process much less talking to their family. It is beyond stressful physically, medically and emotionally dealing with this. Perhaps palliative care can help with tips, decision making, or pain control discussions for what to expect - it is available no matter what stage someone is in. Everyone needs support for the changes that keep coming. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

This part of a podcast might be helpful:

[00:06:24] And I think oftentimes people worry a lot about other people compared to when they worry about themselves. But, you know, people might also be thinking about themselves and how they’re going to cope and manage everything that they’re going through.
[00:06:38] Adam Walker: And so, you as a mental health professional, just while we’re having this conversation, I mean, how do you, how do mental health professionals help alleviate that stress and deal with those concerns and help patients process those emotions?
[00:06:52] Amy Culver: Yeah, so I think we can provide a safe place for people to express their thoughts and feelings and process them without judgment. So I think we’re often a consistent presence for people throughout their cancer diagnosis. I think it’s good for people to be able to talk about their experience with the people that they love. But sometimes it can be hard for the people close to us to be objective, and sometimes we also want to protect them so we may not tell them everything that we’re thinking or feeling.
[00:07:27] So I think working with a mental health professional, you know, someone who’s objective, who can be a sounding board to listen and reflect things back to you is helpful. Sometimes we’re simply being present with people, we’re listening, and validating, and normalizing their experience, which can be very powerful. And then we can also help them with coping strategies or problem solving, which I think helps people feel empowered as well.
[00:07:54] Adam Walker: I love that. So earlier you mentioned that often one of a patient’s like biggest concerns is other people, you know, their families, their loved ones. So let’s talk about that for a minute. How do you help loved ones? I mean, as a social worker, how do you provide support to family and friends and what’s important for them to know during this period?
[00:08:15] Amy Culver: Yeah, those are such good questions. So I think loved ones are an incredibly important part of a person’s diagnosis. I think they give a lot of different types of support from emotional support to helping with practical needs. They may be helping with personal care or helping get people to doctor’s appointments. I mean, they help with so many different things and they truly make such a difference in people’s lives. So social workers do provide support to family members and friends, you know, we do similar with what we would do working with someone who’s going through breast cancer or living with breast cancer.
[00:08:55] We would provide them a space to talk about things and process their thoughts and feelings. We can assist them with problem solving or needs that they may have. We maybe would even refer them to a resource like a caregiver support group or something within their community that could help them. And I think one of the most important things that they could know is that they’re also important when, you know, someone is going through a cancer diagnosis. And that it’s okay for them to talk about what their needs are and ask the support that they need when they’re supporting their loved with cancer.
[00:09:36] I think it can be hard to acknowledge our own needs when we’re witnessing someone that we love going through something so difficult, like a cancer diagnosis. And so sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to acknowledge that we have those needs, you know, and that we need the help, and that it’s okay to ask for it.
[00:10:02] You know, it’s very normal for the focus to be completely on the person with cancer. I’ve seen that so many times, and that’s totally appropriate and normal, but sometimes the loved ones, their needs fall away, and there’s not as much of a focus on them, and that can be difficult to work through. And so my encouragement to them would be, even though it can be difficult to let people know how they’re doing, to let people know where they feel like they need help, you know, and there’s different people they can talk to. They can talk with a trusted family member or friend, they can, you know, talk with a social worker or patient navigator if they don’t have people within their support system that they maybe would lean on. Talk with a social worker or navigator and see what supportive resources are out there for you.
[00:10:49] Adam Walker: I’m really glad that you shared that, because honestly, I’d never really thought about the profound needs of the families surrounding cancer patients and the fact that they must feel very hesitant to share their own needs and to deal with their own needs because they’re so busy dealing the patient’s needs. And so, I’d never even considered… in all the years of doing these interviews, I never really thought of it that way. So I really appreciate you sharing that. That was really very helpful. So, so what are are there any resources that you often point people to for help?
[00:11:22] Amy Culver: Yeah, so I think kind of depends on what people’s needs are. I think one of my go-tos is referring people back to their healthcare team. There’s a lot of people that work on their healthcare team that are great resources, and so I encourage people to share their concerns or questions with a doctor or nurse, and you know, if they’re not already connected to a social worker, you know, those members of the healthcare team can connect them to one, or again, a patient navigator.
[00:11:49] I also look for organizations, so in the breast cancer world, I would be looking to organizations like Susan G. Komen or other resources within someone’s community that can help them. If people are specifically interested in mental health support, again, they could ask to speak with a social worker, or they could ask for a referral to like a counselor or a therapist or a psychologist. Sometimes there’s mental health professionals available where they’re receiving their breast cancer care, or if there’s not, oftentimes someone on the medical team will know people in the community that work with people with cancer, so they could refer them there. Or they may refer someone to like a cancer support group or a peer mentoring program where they can, you know, connect and get support. And so there’s information about these resources on komen.org, or people can also contact our breast care helpline for information.
[00:12:46] Adam Walker: Yeah and I was going to mention… I know that Komen has the helpline. What are some ways that the helpline specialists can assist with immediate mental help?