Should I divorce him now? Long post but I have no one to open up with

Scarlett09

Hello everyone! I apologize in advance, this is long… but I’ve been holding all of this in for so long…

I'm 33, and l've been married for 4 years to my 43 year old husband. I always said I wouldn't do long distance relationship, but life has a way of surprising us, right?.... I'm in the US, he's in the Caribbean.

When we met, I didn't jump into it right away, in fact there was a period where I pulled back because I was always just afraid of being with the "wrong person", I started dating really late (considering the way things are today)... my "relationships" began in my mid 20's, not many, but always the wrong guy...

I was 28 when I met my now husband, with my 2 year old son (absent father figure, I moved on with my child on my own, very difficult time, I always wanted a family)

So that's just a bit about me.

So, my now husband... Eventually he pursued me, and there came a point where it was evident that there was something else between us, we talked and I heard him out, and slowly l gave things a chance.

This man sat down with me, he emphasized how important it was for him to have something serious, stable, and based on fidelity.

When I was alone with my baby, I cried and was depressed a lot, maybe I shouldn't have given so much thought to the idea of having a partner, but l wished that l'd someday meet a "mature", stable, and serious minded man who no longer wanted to be out and about playing around, fidelity is a core value for me, and this was part of what l wanted in someone also. I wanted to someday, if possible find a man who had those values I mentioned and even be a father figure for my son. I wouldn't push that on anyone, it's my child... but in a perfect world, when I cried and prayed, I did like the idea of being one of those lucky women who found both a good husband who loved her child as his own and built a home together....

I am pointing this out because I think this can explain why l am so hurt over what has happened with my husband.

4 years ago, as we got to know each other, he seemed so open about his past, he had "done it all", crazy stories about all the hookups and dating experiences he had, he told me how tired he had gotten of that, he told me he couldn't believe how some men never grow up and value the importance of a real loving relationship.

He spoke about fidelity so much...

It seemed like, well... this was a good match for me. He asked me to never cheat on him because he was not wanting nor willing to accept that because he wouldn't do that to me.

I mean... I was 28, he was 39 going on 40, talked so much about stability, and did so much to "show me" his "good intentions".. and the talks on fidelity? I mean... this was it! Right? All I ever asked for!

Time passed, I was so in love... I have so many memories of romantic moments, deep conversations, the hugs, the crying when we missed each other, the way he cried for me each time I had to come back to the US. He would call me expressing his love for me, some nights he'd call me with tears in his eyes asking me not to "fail" him by cheating, I would cry as well, I promised him I was faithful and he did "everything" to show me he was faithful as well...

But... in between all those beautiful moments (if they were even real because right now I don't know what is) we would have issues because of his temper, he would lash out on me and insult me with the dirtiest words you can think of, I was not used to this so l would defend myself and respond back by not allowing him to speak this way to me. When I responded and fought back, somehow he'd be the one to get offended and would turn things around and get me to think I was in the wrong.. I would say "but you insulted me, and I tried to calmly talk you you, you kept insulting me, is it wrong that I screamed back? I'm a human being also, I was reacting to your nonstop insults"

He'd have a way of just making me question myself... A few arguments happened like that, and it was always my fault if I defended myself or reacted to his verbal abuse.

I began trying to "do things differently" maybe if I didn't answer back I could see if things would be better, maybe I could revisit a conversation or an argument later on when he'd calm down, etc.

I began to just shut down...

To clarify, these "arguments" would come from me asking certain things at times, I mean we were in a long distance relationship, it's only normal to want to talk and be connected as much as possible, he asked me so much to be faithful and promised me his fidelity, then why would he burst into so much anger if I questioned him about little things l'd notice like exes writing to him when he told me he didn't have contact with them... or women sending him inappropriate comments and even photos...

He'd insult me and call me insecure, he told me those women meant nothing, he would say he was a grown man and he is the one who has to deny himself to any woman who tried to cross the line, he'd call me a ****, a ****, he'd say "you're probably the one **** around with other men, why else would you judge me so much assuming I'm cheating?"

I can't believe I'm even saying this, I feel stupid because it was so obvious... but back then, I think he had a hold on me and somehow his words managed to get to me. I began wondering if I was just being insecure like he said, after all we talked all day and all night on video when I was away... he was always home or would call me to show me where he was at, he treated me with so much "love" when we were together, he took me everywhere with him when I traveled to see him, he "showed me off” proudly as the “love of his life”.

But deep down, I just didn't believe that there was nothing else going own, why would he block certain women l'd ask him about on social media but l'd look in his phone and he'd have them on his WhatsApp? He would tell me "I block anyone who could cause a bother or doubts between us, I don't need to talk to any ex or any woman who could cause misunderstanding in our relationship"
—- he didn’t know I was aware of the fact that he'd block them on social media... but not from his phone calls or texts (?)

fast forward… I tried focusing on the “good things” and told myself to try and enjoy our relationship and stop worrying so much about anything when he treated me so well and expressed his love for me at all times.

About 2 years or so passed by where I managed not to question or search etc. I focused on our daily communication, our intimacy, the way we connected and talked about so many things, etc.

Well he was diagnosed with Cancer a year ago (mantle cell lymphoma).... I traveled to see him 7 months ago, I cried so much with him, he cried and hugged me, he expressed his love for me, I don't think this was faked...

I mean.... The way we hugged, even before the Cancer... the chemistry, the conversations about the future together, him telling me things about his childhood and viceversa, crying with each other if we ever had any stress or problem going on... I mean all of that was real... ?

During this last trip while he showered, his phone lit up and I noticed a girl we had talked about many times before was still in touch with him, this is a girl he slept with supposedly years before being with me. And he had blocked her from every place after I pointed out that it made some noise to me that she would contact him so much if there was nothing going on...

He would tell me she is just like that, he blocks her and she shows up from a different phone number or a different account because she's always changing phones and told me it meant nothing to him.

I didn't check his phone that moment, we had already argued in the past over these things and right now all that mattered was the Cancer.

However, I did ask.

As he came into the room, I let him know I noticed he has this girl as his contact again, why? I said it calmly, he told me everyone had been contacting him after they heard the news about his condition... fair enough...

However.... I realized he blocked her and deleted the conversations with her....

Why?

I asked him why... and he blew up... again, insults after insults, I got nervous and I found myself trying to calm him down, I did not judge, scream or assume anything, I told him to please forgive me, I told him to please understand that maybe I ask certain things because of the distance between us, I love him and it would hurt so much if he was being dishonest with me... he kept screaming... telling me l'm only good to stress him out, saying I love to judge and accuse him (?), and I literally kept tearing up, I even tried to approach him lovingly telling him there was no need for him to react that way....

That night, he told me I needed to get help because I wasn't right in the head...

I stood there hearing him... and I took it.

I stayed quiet, I get flashbacks of me standing there while he looked at me with so much rage and said I had mental problems and I needed to get check urgently. There was nothing I could respond to that. But inside of me, I was telling myself I cannot accept this, I am not stupid, in that moment it's like my instinct or an inner voice guided me... this is abuse and there's more behind all of this, I told myself during this trip I have to confirm everything, because there is no way he can continue to verbally abuse me this way and have me question myself so much when I know damn well his reaction is uncalled for.

I did it, I waited 2 nights, and when I got the chance I checked everything in his phone. Or at the very least what I needed.

He had screen recordings of him masturbating with other women on video call, I noticed the date and time on these calls and I looked it up on my phone... he would be talking to me and would excuse himself to speak to a client or a "friend" and said he'd call me back when he was done...

This is what he was doing... He’d then call me to tell me good night and say “I love you”, he’d also question me “who were you talking to?” “Are you sure you weren’t talking to anyone else?” …. Now I know why…

I kept scrolling and my heart broke when I found more of those dating back to 2020.... When we met, when we started... when he showed me he was this grown, mature, “seen it all done it all” type of man who was big on commitment, love and fidelity.... He was never real... not once....

I went into fight or flight (?) | think I did... because I just put his phone down. I'm sure there was a lot more evidence I skipped, my intention was not to see all of it, I am not a masochist... I wanted to know who I was with and I had promised myself that if I did find proof it would be so l could get out of this situation. And that's what I did... I can't describe what I felt... I was scared.... I just wanted to get out (flight?)... while he slept I packed up my things, it was 2 or 3AM.... He eventually woke up a bit and asked what was going on, luckily (for me) he was under medication and a bit groggy, I was so afraid... I felt like I was with a complete stranger, I don't know if I am exaggerating but in that moment I wondered if he'd be capable of hurting me if I were to confront him, I mean... the way he abused me verbally over the years, the way he broke me down mentally and emotionally.... The way he put up an act.... Who's to say he wouldn't get angry and defensive over me "discovering" who he really is and maybe get to the point of hitting me?

(it’s common in Dominican Republic for people to carry guns for protection, he never threatened me or put his hands on me, but I just felt so afraid when he got angry that I don’t like to admit this but a part of me did fear he might hurt me someday, again it was all verbal but I’m also a mom and I don’t like being in situations that can get out of control and then who knows what will be of my babies?, he never noticed but I would take his gun and hide it while I was over there. Maybe he never would’ve hurt me physically but take my fear as a reflection of the kind of anger I got from him)

Ps: he has tried pulling me by my arm to force my phone out of my hand when I questioned him prior about that girl I mentioned earlier. I ran out, and I didn't give him my phone because my phone is my only source of communication, if he would’ve been calm I would’ve given it to him at any time, he never hit me, but his rage sure did scare me and I was all alone over there... he said "you're a **** ****, you dirty ****, see how you don't want to give me your phone? But you're judging me and accusing me of cheating when all l've done is be here waiting for you like a ****? I'm **** tired of you".

He was yelling all of that, I had managed to get out of the house when he tried pulling me to take my phone. Luckily he stayed inside and didn't come out, maybe because he knew if he argued or did anything to me outside others would see or hear.

I slowly got close to the door and I explained "I'm not hiding anything, I'm holding my phone because of how angry you get and you know it scares me, l'm alone here, you don't realize how out of control you get, I wasn't accusing you of anything" (I’d text my sister without giving her much detail but during this trip I really did get to the point of fearing for myself)

I feel so bad for that version of myself... I was so blinded... It’s like seeing a little girl begging and trying to comply with an abusive parent.

To be clear, what I just mentioned is about 2 days earlier before I finally went through his phone.... Just using that as an example as to why I was so afraid to confront him, the night I found everything on his phone confronting him didn't even cross my mind, I was nervous, my mind and body wanted to get out of there ASAP. If there was one thing I realized in that moment was to pay attention to my gut feeling and stop questioning myself.

I packed my things, I remembered I had a cousin living in the country, unfortunately he was very far from where I was at but I reached out to ask for help on how to get to the airport on my own from where I was.

My husband fully woke up when I was on the phone asking for help, he stopped me and kept asking what was wrong, I was shaking and scared...

I told him "nothing, please just lie down and rest" he kept asking me what was going on, I replied letting him know I didn't want him to get angry and it was best for me to just leave.

I guess he was still under the effect of medication and got in bed but pulled me into the bed with him, he hugged me tightly and wouldn’t let go, and I just stayed there... with a million thoughts racing through my mind... hoping he'd fall back asleep deeply enough for me to leave.

Again I don't know, looking back at it maybe I was exaggerating (?) maybe he wouldn't have ever laid his hands on me and I am just assuming that because of how afraid I got when I saw him get angry and offensive.

He woke up while I was leaving and ran out after me, asked me to tell him what was going on, and I told him I knew he had always been unfaithful and that everything was a lie, he froze... he didn't get angry, he just froze…maybe because we were outside when I said this or maybe because this time there was nothing he could say to hide anything any longer.

With the help of my cousin I was able to get an Uber to where was at, he tried stopping me, I refused, he even told me I was acting immaturely and that we should talk things out (what?), he wanted to bring me back inside the house, I kept walking away, he told me to at least let him take me to the airport, he would take me if that's what I wanted, I didn't look at him once...it's like he didn't think I'd really leave... when he saw me getting my bags into the car he asked me to please give him at least a hug... I refused and told him "You are not even half of what you pretended to be, don't touch me, you can ask one of the other women to come hug you or be with you, all I wanted was a home and a family, and you toyed with that.”

I am so sorry, this is so long. If you do read this, believe me, l've cut out some details about other times where I felt threatened and scared by his anger, but I think it's all clear enough...

I disappeared and he kept trying to get a hold of me... the pain l've experienced, man... there's no words to explain. I'd cry, scream, wake up in the middle of the night with flashbacks and remembering every instance where he accused me of being all those horrible things he used to call me just to deflect and get me to stop questioning his actions. I’ve gone through all the stages of grief, only to wake up one day thinking I’m finally over it and randomly start crying or get angry when it hits me all over again… It's been 7 months... and at some point I heard him out, he apologized and cried but guess what? I've seen him cry so many times talking about his fidelity and his love for me... how in the world can I believe him now?

We've fluctuated a lot these past 7 months, I do not feel he has shown me true regret over his actions, if anything he has shut me down every-time, telling me his cancer is the most important thing right now... one night he blew up on me on video when I tried expressing how I felt about the fact that he put up an act, and that if he really loved me as he still says he does then we need to have a serious talk about all of this, he screamed at me.... He hadn't done that while he was trying to get my attention, he told me "you are a ****, you have a **** mental problem, I have cancer and you want to talk about the cheating, I never put any other woman above you, I chose you as my wife and no one dared to come disrespect you, everyone knew you were my wife, you found out because you went searching, isn't that what you **** wanted? Get yourself checked in the head"

I hung up and blocked him. His words don’t have an effect on me anymore. I mean it hurts, everything hurts, including the cancer, I don’t want to sound like I am only caring about the relationship, but I’ve come to terms with the idea that I cannot go back to him, not even to take care of him, I don’t know if I am having some sort of PTSD, but I begin to feel anxious and afraid at the thought of seeing him face to face. If I were to go back, I think we would have to truly clear the air, talk openly, and I’d have to see if there really is anything that can be saved or worked on. I’ve come to terms with the fact that he has his mother caring for him, friends, and family.

I’ve felt guilty all these months too, I’m his wife, he has no idea how much it hurts to think that I should be the one there, for better or for worse, I did not leave because of the cancer, he even implied that. But how do I forget that I found out I was living a lie from day one? Am I being selfish ? I’m willing to put the women to the side, let’s pretend that’s not a factor, but what about the abusive behavior? The times he made me shake in fear with his screams and his disproportionate anger? The times he laughed when I cried because according to him I was being stupid?

I should be the one there with him… I’ve even thought of “forgive and forget” and go be there with him, but don’t I deserve at least to be heard ? Since this whole thing happened he’s come back and we’ve had a back and forth, each time he comes around I think he’ll finally let me express myself, or want to address my questions, show me proof of him willing to do anything to show me transparency, but no… it’s like he’s wanted me to shut up about it and as soon as I bring the topic up he hangs up on me… little does he know, this has only kept opening my eyes more.

Recently he called me from the hospital while getting chemo and he cried, he apologized and said he loves me, and that he wants to do things right, I can tell he was scared, he has been having some new symptoms and the uncertainty about whether or not he'll beat the cancer is pure torture.

I heard him out... I did love him (and I still do, but seeing how he doesn’t care about making any changes even after something so big and hurtful has happened has really affected the way I view him, I am no longer able to speak to him with the same sweet words like before, I no longer care if he hangs up on me when I’m trying to express myself, every little show of disrespect is simply making me view him as anything but my husband)

I'm doing better now, but I get sad over the "good memories" and having to question if that was even real. | I didn't promise anything, I just listened to him while he was at the hospital, he asked me to forgive him and all I was able to say is I didn't want any more anger and abuse either, he told me he wants to work on that, he said he wants to learn how to address things differently...

I did not get my hopes up. I can tell he was vulnerable, but I did not want to believe things would be different without seeing any real changes.

Last week while he was resting back at home, I let him know I wanted to talk things out with him, after all he was the one who called me asking for us to fix things and talk things out calmly...

Well guess what? ... he avoided the topic, he mentioned his cancer as being the only thing we should focus on, I told him his health is the number one thing for sure, but if we are going to get back together we should use this to heal and grow closer together, I'm not judging, attacking or pointing fingers.... I want to talk to the man who called me expressing his love and his desire to work things out, the man who told me while he was in the hospital bed that he admitted he did things wrong by messing around "online" with those women (LIES, I know there was physical encounters, you can't tell me there wasn't more than just an online thing, in fact at the beginning he admitted it when he was desperate to get a hold of me, now, he must've realized I skipped some things on his phone because he has changed the version to saying it was only online conversations, even if it was, it's still infidelity.) I think he believed I had proof of physical encounters at the beginning, but like I said, what I saw was enough to know the truth.

He told me "you know that topic stresses me out", I told him it shouldn't stress him out because I'm not arguing, l have questions, doubts, pain over the way he treated me, questions about these women, I’m willing to listen, he’s been trying to come back but it's been almost 8 months and he has not shown me any interest in wanting to sit down and talk things out, how can I trust him with just a simple “sorry” and tears that l've seen in the past while he lied to me? —

I then asked, "ok, do you think we can go over this once we are done with your cancer treatments and free of cancer?"

His reply? —- “maybe we can, maybe not”...

In that moment, I just felt like I am only wasting my time even thinking about a possible fix to this. So I asked him to let's just end things because I can't trust him and his behavior does not seem any different than what he's shown me in the past, I promised to never allow myself to suffer over this same thing ever again... the day I picked up my things and left marked me, I was in such a state of shock that I even bled uncontrollably (had my period but it wasn’t supposed to be that bad, but I was so nervous and shocked that I think this messed my whole system up that day, I bled through my clothes in the airport, I cried, I was exhausted, I was embarrassed, I felt bad for leaving my kids to be with this man whom didn’t deserve it.) add the grieving process which is still hard some days more than others....I still have days I can’t get out of bed, I’m on medication for depression now, because when I got back to the US and found myself alone with all these thoughts and pain hit me even harder and it’s had me in a loop ever since.

I don't want to relive that...and for almost 8 months I’ve gotten nothing from him other than “sorry”, insults at times, mixed answers, phone being hung up on me, etc.

He became angry when I asked for us to just end things, he sent me the lawyer's contact info which I asked him for, and blocked me. But before he blocked me he sent me a voice message saying he doesn't know what kind of love I feel for him, how can I say I love him when I'm willing to walk out on him when he has cancer? He said he wants to be done with this BS and he wishes I find a solution to my sadness and find a way to fill the void I have (what? If anything he's the one lying, putting up an act, hurting others unfairly, jumping from one woman to the next, I counted over 10 women to say the least, I counted 3 different women in less than a week, he’s the one looking for gratification or validation with any woman through sex despite the fact that we had what seem like an active and pleasurable intimate life and I'm the one needing to fill a void?) 😳

It is now up to me to decide whether or not to divorce him now or if I should wait for him to get his visa so he can get treated here ?

If I divorce him now, then automatically the visa process will have to be canceled.

and this is where I am stuck at now…

I think of all his cruel words, the psychological abuse, the act he put up from the beginning, the attitude he has even when facing something so serious like cancer (one would think he'd really want to change his ways and be a better person), I think of the gaslighting, the anger in his eyes when he insulted me, the times he's called me mentally ill, the fact that he knew he was the one who was in the wrong and still managed to look me in the eyes and speak so confidently about himself, and I immediately think I should not care about him and just let him start his visa process all over again on his own.

Then I think of the Cancer, after all we are talking about someone's life, I think about how good he was with our kids (my son... and yes, we had a child who's 2) and I feel like the humane thing to do would be to finish the process and allow him to come here and get treated with more options for his kind of cancer too... he's already going through hell with this condition.

Sometimes I wonder if he was just using me for the visa, if he was and I decide to proceed with it, then it sucks that he ends up getting it because of an incurable illness. Maybe he’ll find himself learning a lesson and becoming a better man/husband at some point, though not for me, I have no hope in us anymore.

What would you do?

If you read all this, wow! Thank you so much... I know it's a lot. But l'm lost and stuck...

Do I forget about it and let him deal with his issues in his own? (At this point I do not mind raising my boys on my own, it's not their fault, I do not mind co parenting as long as we sit down and come to an agreement on that if he wants. But I won't pursue him to be a father either. So l'll wait and see he eventually cares about working on that.)

Do I finish the visa process out of consideration for his health?

Help!