My 35-year-old husband has cancer, and I don't look at him the same way anymore

Rhonda8

My 35-year-old husband of 10 years was diagnosed with leukemia five months ago. We have been together since we were teenagers and have had a borderline perfect marriage up until his diagnosis. I have always loved him deeply, and he is a great man.

The first few months were extremely traumatic for me, and I had to bear the brunt of everything. I am exhausted beyond words. Thankfully, my husband is doing much better and his in-hospital treatment is ending soon.

The problem is, he is anxious to get things going again in the bedroom, and I am not. He has always had a much stronger sex drive than me, and he is pushing me to get back to it. I'm not exactly sure why, but the thought of sex almost repulses me. I don't like when he touches me under my shirt or grabs hold of my bum. Not to mention that we won't be able to open-mouth kiss and will need condoms to protect me from the chemo he will be taking indefinitely. It's not a physical problem (although he looks very different). It's almost like I'm waiting for my husband to come back. Like this person isn't him. He always protected me and has been my safe place all these years. Our roles have been reversed. Now I look at him and feel pain and fear. He is an ill person that needs care, not someone I feel sexually attracted to. I'm over here trying to get through the days, and he wants things to be light, sexy, and fun. We are not on the same page at all, and he is getting frustrated with me.

Has anyone else lost their attraction to their spouse during the cancer process? I feel so guilty for feeling this way. Please help!

Arx001

Hello,

My humble suggestion as a middle aged man is as follows:

Stop feeling guilty. You are next to him when he is in need and that is what matters most. Something has changed in both of you and that is normal. He should not feel guilty for getting cancer and you should not feel guilty for your reduced libido. His cancer or your feelings are not your choices. We are responsible for our choices and you have been decent and supportive.

Does it mean you disregard his needs? No. Consider this as at least a temporary stage in life. You may try to reflect on your own feelings and the sexuality in your marriage but first you need to get some fresh air and recover yourself. It’s also ok to tell him gently that the cancer has changed both of you and that you don’t desire sex at the moment. I think it would be great to tell him the positive things you wrote here and how he’s special.

After some time (not now) recollect on the two identities of your husband. The healthy and the sick one. See if you can connect these two and make a transition from the sexy-pre-cancer-sweetheart to the repulsive-post-treatment-hubby. Little things on his side can help you, non-sexual romance etc.

To my knowledge many women experience a reduced libido and a repulsion around the middle ages especially when the perimenapause is kicking in. This is often very tough on guys for whom sexuality is not just sex as some women think but also has a deep emotional component. These relationships often need a lot of TLC but can survive and transform if there is sufficient intimacy.

Best wishes.

Rhonda8

I appreciate this message. Thank you for your very thoughtful response.

JackWest

Just a conversation to start the subject may help. See where it goes.