My 35-year-old husband has cancer, and I don't look at him the same way anymore

Rhonda8

My 35-year-old husband of 10 years was diagnosed with leukemia five months ago. We have been together since we were teenagers and have had a borderline perfect marriage up until his diagnosis. I have always loved him deeply, and he is a great man.

The first few months were extremely traumatic for me, and I had to bear the brunt of everything. I am exhausted beyond words. Thankfully, my husband is doing much better and his in-hospital treatment is ending soon.

The problem is, he is anxious to get things going again in the bedroom, and I am not. He has always had a much stronger sex drive than me, and he is pushing me to get back to it. I'm not exactly sure why, but the thought of sex almost repulses me. I don't like when he touches me under my shirt or grabs hold of my bum. Not to mention that we won't be able to open-mouth kiss and will need condoms to protect me from the chemo he will be taking indefinitely. It's not a physical problem (although he looks very different). It's almost like I'm waiting for my husband to come back. Like this person isn't him. He always protected me and has been my safe place all these years. Our roles have been reversed. Now I look at him and feel pain and fear. He is an ill person that needs care, not someone I feel sexually attracted to. I'm over here trying to get through the days, and he wants things to be light, sexy, and fun. We are not on the same page at all, and he is getting frustrated with me.

Has anyone else lost their attraction to their spouse during the cancer process? I feel so guilty for feeling this way. Please help!

Arx001

Hello,

My humble suggestion as a middle aged man is as follows:

Stop feeling guilty. You are next to him when he is in need and that is what matters most. Something has changed in both of you and that is normal. He should not feel guilty for getting cancer and you should not feel guilty for your reduced libido. His cancer or your feelings are not your choices. We are responsible for our choices and you have been decent and supportive.

Does it mean you disregard his needs? No. Consider this as at least a temporary stage in life. You may try to reflect on your own feelings and the sexuality in your marriage but first you need to get some fresh air and recover yourself. It’s also ok to tell him gently that the cancer has changed both of you and that you don’t desire sex at the moment. I think it would be great to tell him the positive things you wrote here and how he’s special.

After some time (not now) recollect on the two identities of your husband. The healthy and the sick one. See if you can connect these two and make a transition from the sexy-pre-cancer-sweetheart to the repulsive-post-treatment-hubby. Little things on his side can help you, non-sexual romance etc.

To my knowledge many women experience a reduced libido and a repulsion around the middle ages especially when the perimenapause is kicking in. This is often very tough on guys for whom sexuality is not just sex as some women think but also has a deep emotional component. These relationships often need a lot of TLC but can survive and transform if there is sufficient intimacy.

Best wishes.

Rhonda8

I appreciate this message. Thank you for your very thoughtful response.

JackWest

Just a conversation to start the subject may help. See where it goes.

meera25

You are doing the best you can in a nearly impossible situation. That said, he probably misses you and longs to reclaim some normalcy. I agree that talking about this can help, as can non-sexual affection and romance/connection - inasmuch as you can while processing the trauma.

I hope y'all find a way. (I'm also hoping the same in my own relationship.) Good luck.

Longtermsurvivor 1

Rhonda 8,     I don't know if you want to hear my point of view at this point or not, I'm going to tell you this much right now Life throws you curves, curves that you don't even expect I'm not going to get into the marriage vows and the importance of that. My first diagnosis was over 60 years ago I was only three made it through it, I will tell you this much when you met him you loved him for who he was, I'm not going to make any excuses for him because of what he's going through, cancer changes you sometimes for good other times for bad, I met I went through hell with my first marriage My ex-wife didn't understand all the late effects but I worked and it has a strange effect on families, especially when you leave outside of the family unit that you're in You and your husband. I have experienced some of what you said believe it or not I hate to admit it but I had a subdural hematoma, 4 years ago it's not quite what your husband has but just let me tell you what happened, she was out for the weekend visiting her family came home found me unresponsive, sent me to the hospital in an ambulance, she ended up getting to the hospital and her and my son and my brother had to make a terrible decision whether I was going to live or die. I'll tell you, I had my brain drill, I know it was difficult just like what you're going through right now, My girlfriend had to make a decision a couple days later she said I was in a coma for a week and she had decide whether she was going to go or stay, I'll tell you this much I'm very fortunate she stayed. Then I got stuck going to rehab for a month, turn that on I was talking with colorful language, didn't know what it was and they told me that she had to do all my talking I was cussing that's what that meant. That was two weeks into that stay, then I started getting better but things got worse like you would think towards the end I asked for a wheelchair to walk because they said I had to walk 600 ft, Nice that I would be in there for 6 months, later that day I tried walking out of the hospital she got a call Tell him to come get me He's out of control, she kept on telling him he's ready to go home he is a handful but he knows what he's doing. Little did she know when she came got me they talked to me first and told me Joe I hate to tell you this but you have two cancer diagnoses, I didn't tell her for a year I went back to work and secretly went to the doctor's offices. Year and a half later I find out they're benign tumors. I just want you to know we're still together it's not perfect, It is very rough sometimes, we've had our apps and our downs but I still love her very much, I can only pray that you and your husband can stick it out, You don't know what's in your future just like he didn't know what was in his. May God bless you and keep you in his arms.

Joseph