Realizing you need help as a reluctantly choosen Caregiver

KarlyVi

I came here….found myself here in a desperate attempt to make sense of what I had experience a couple of weeks ago. In a sense: and not to make light of people who have a bigger justifiable reason/experience, I was in shock from a parent of mine with cancer having nearly passed out in my arms. I am talking eyes rolling into the back of their head passed out. Luckily my yelling caught the attention of two dads who came to assist me and my parent still managed to hold on to some cognizance.

So it was not so much but a major factor in this experience that I realized some things. That the situation was eff-up and preventable due to the parent with cancer having chosen to NOT pack their drinky-drinks and snicky-snacks for this shopping excursion and realizing that I have a problem with reaching out for help.

In figuring out and maneuvering myself in my parents journey with cancer there are things that are not addressed in the Spanish culture. There is this thing where you want your parent to succeed and to be independent and to realize that there are no wrong choices in their health and in that same breath realizing that the parents ego makes them blind that there is no going back to the way things were for them. The dynamic of parent to child is flipped on its head and it is never fair. It cannot be fair when you the " Caregiver" are there to nudge them or course-correct so at the end of maybe the hour or day the parent can still hold on to some version of control. And as I recently told my parent (s) it sucks. It really does that I have to play my role to them which is both out of obligation and by choice. Sometimes choice and obligation for me look the same and other times they are so different.

I thought I was able to figure it out. Like alot of things I have done and been in I have always figured things out on my own. It may not have been perfect or at 100% or as I have liked it and still I managed to figure it out. I have the internet. I have people. I have books. I did it all on my own because I can because I had learned to be self-reliant/sufficient and I knew/know how to address myself in doing the research. Until that moment in the store.

There are so many things I can nit-pik about that day but I know I cannot. I cannot. I " self medicated" almost on auto when I did the therapy shopping and developed this insatiable need to be places. A part of me knew my body was off but I did a damn good job ignoring it until I remembered that running away from the "Feeling" was never gonna resolve it. So I had to ask myself what about it got me in shock. Surprisingly it was not the passing out . It was the fact that I was placed in a situation that required I ask for help because I did not know how to resolve the situation. It required me to reach out to strangers and I was not prepared to do that. It meant that I was not enough on my own. Like I needed a team and good lord that annoys me.

So here I am reaching out and looking for support groups for "Caregivers" that are both doing things out of obligation and choice. I am looking and searching for Caregivers maybe fresh in the journey like I am and really importantly just as much as a stranger to me as I would be to them. I could reach out to family but what causes me to not do that is that families have this way of coloring their opinions' and POV with their experience and expectation of what they need for themselves versus what you need for you. And I find that dangerous. Dangerous because in Caregiving I have discovered there is shadow work involved and that is a whole other philosophical mess on it's own there.

So if you have reached the end of this very long topic… I. A stranger in the most platonic non-sexual harassment way possible mean the next following words….. You are doing an Amazing job handling your work life, home life, and self care. If I could give you a platonic hug with Spiritual well wishes for your continued strength with no-strings attached I would. You are finding your people. You are finding the no-nonsense support you need and I know it is not fair. It can hurt.

I do not believe or have ever believed in the notion of coincidence. So if whatever I have written has given you what you seek, then know that in me you have community.