Guilt

celes99

Hello, my fiance was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Not sure what exact stage yet but at least a T4 N3 disease, which honestly I am not even sure what that means. I will be the main person taking care of him, if he is able to leave the hospital at some point. Currently he is received radiation to hopefully shrink a 10cm mass in between his lungs. I am so overwhelmed and am trying to be strong for him, but when I am not around him I am a total disaster. I could really use some words of encouragement and advice. I am also harboring a lot of guilt because I am a smoker, he was not a cigarette smoker (he smoked cigars but didn't inhale). I didn't smoke in the house but in the garage which I thought would be okay because it doesn't share ventilation with the house but surely some smoke would get inside from opening the door. I should be the one sick not him.

Arx001

Hello,

T4N3 is advanced and possibly with distant metastases. That’s not a mild diagnosis.

You are not responsible for his cancer. You didn’t cause it. You a loving person who is fully out there for her fiance. You are much more likely to be a wonderful person than a cancer causing agent. Another person (let’s say a non-smoker) might have dumped the fiance asap just after the diagnosis. Look at what you are doing, you are next to him and supporting himself 100%! So stop blaming yourself and bring out the sunshine in yourself as your fiance will need it. You have plenty of it and that's a rare gift.

Smokers are not people who need to be punished with cancer. They are good people who do something wrong. The way to correct this is not to punish them but to educate them. But they can be smarter. They can quit and talk to others about risks of smoking. Most people can’t understand long term causal effects of carcinogens and this social area is hacked by companies quite aggressively.

For example alcohol is also a group 1 carcinogen (it causes cancer for sure) but it is being heavily advertised through the film industry. Watch any film or series you will be seeing people drink in a specific way. They walk into home after a tired day and a drink (beer for regular guys, wine for women or couples or whisky male executives) is consumed. They drink then they are happy, sad, in a social setting or to celebrate. But this message is never too open and loud, they do this kind of discreetly in the background so you may never notice the drink but get the message that “you can’t be joyous without alcohol” or “sophisticated people drink wine” or “a drink will let me recover from my daily stresses” type of a message. It is these alcohol and marketing people who target the population to drink that need to come out and apologize. Even if they do evil on purpose, they also should not become cancer.

Your guilt - if it doesn’t go away - please discuss it with a qualified psychologist.

Best wishes.