Mental breakdown that I may have needed…

hopeselow24

I was diagnosed with stage 2b breast cancer in 2023. Had the full treatment- double mastectomy, chemo,breast reconstruction. Then in September 2023 found out that my cancer came back to my lymph nodes had an axillary lymph node dissection followed with 28 rounds of radiation, oral chemo, immunotherapy. Fast-forward to March 2024 and My cancer has now turned into stage 4, triple negative metastatic breast cancer to my lungs, just finished about seven rounds of chemotherapy - still on immunotherapy, called Keytruda.my lung nodules are stable. One is even shrinking. I will have a new scan in October. At this point, we are about every two months months for a scan.

so this whole time it feels like I’ve been 100% positive all the time-day and night, especially to strangers and family members when they feel sorry for me or want to cry or don’t know what to say. Of course I come back with-“It’s OK I will be fine!” with a smile.

Last night my head was spiraling, like it almost always does just thinking of all of the things from the days work to the future to the past, most would call that anxiety, but it seems to hit me more on Mondays after work. Long story short I feel like I had a true breakdown finally, my husband who has been 100% so supportive was relieved that I finally cried out loud. I just don’t know what to feel and I think-it’s OK that if sometimes I wanna feel sad! it’s OK. I feel like there’s real world problems going on right now and I start to feel guilty when I feel bad about what I’m going through. because the truth of the matter is I have cancer. It’s in my body and it’s going to come back at some point. I like to live thinking that we are all waiting to die. Nobody knows when it’s our time, but I will say to my cancer, thrives, survivors and warriors, it’s OK if you need to take 15 minutes to cry it out and to be angry and to be scared.

I have a God in my life,and I believe in Jesus Christ and I know he has a plan for me. I know he made me human with human feelings and no one is perfect and it’s OK to be scared. I know that I must leave each day as it’s my last. What I worry about the most is leaving my husband, he is my true best friend. What scares me also, is if he was to go before me I know that I couldn’t make it here without him plus, plus he needs to be here to take care of our cat, her name is Parker 🤍🤍🤍🤍 and she’s the love of our lives so! these are all true fears and I’m sure many of you feel the same of certain things that you’ll leave behind one day when you’re not here. The good thing Cancer has given me, it’s like a rebirth, an epiphany. I guess you could say I’ve always thought about death and how I would go.nobody knows it could be anything that takes me out. I do pray that it is on my terms and whatever God wants for my life is sufficient for me. Hope you all have an amazing day!