Trust after Cancer

AbogadoAvocado

It seemed to me as I was going through cancer there were really only 2 kinds of people.

1. Outstandingly generous people who were doing everything they could to help and were upset they couldn't do more.

2. People who didn't care at all. Maybe they would do a low effort thing, like a box of cookies in the mail for politeness. They never asked how my young kids were doing, or followed up on anything.

I'm looking to see if people understand how I feel. I want to spend all my time and effort celebrating with the first group and giving to charity with the time I have left. For the people, who didn't care whether I died, I don't want anything to do with them. I don't want their fake hugs at Christmas or to bother with caring about them. Am I being cruel? I've become very judgmental over my in-laws especially.

po18guy

In general, those in the west do not know how to handle sickness and the potential for death. It can cause them to lose their minds. They don't know what to say and will blurt out some of the most ridiculous things. "You're going to a better place" or "You'll be just fine." I curt them some slack, as I was in that boat many years ago.

As well, once the word is out, you will be surprised who steps up, and who steps back. Generally, those who do the least will brag about it the most. True friends will be more quiet help, not seeking anything for themselves.

ShadyGuy

True strength comes from within, not from others. Everyone reacts to a situation differently. Maybe some of them respond the way they do - not because they want to harm you but because they see in you a fate that awaits us all and it scares them. Don’t try to control others because that is a generally futile undertaking. Peace and strength to you. Don’t give up.

LanaDelThey

If at all possible, I would try to reserve judgment. Of course, the people who showed up for you are worth celebrating. but someone only sending cookies in the mail doesn't mean they didn't care. Maybe they didn't know how to handle it.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, the first 6 or so months of treatment were a terrible time for me. It was made worse because it felt like so few people cared. People I've been close with my entire life sent a text or two and that's it. At the time, it just about broke my heart and my spirit. I seriously questioned why I was going through hell fighting a disease when I felt so alone/abandoned by the people I love. About a year into remission, I found out that the person whose behavior I perceived as complete disinterest and whose lack of care had hurt me most had been going through a terrible time at the same time I was. They'd themselves been hospitalized for a health issue and then had pretty much what amounted to a complete nervous breakdown. I hadn't known. They didn't want to burden me at the time, knowing what I was going through, but they also didn't know how to handle what they were going through, let alone be there for me. That opened my eyes. It's a cliche, but you don't know what battle someone else is fighting. Don't hold on to any feelings of bitterness. Even if it feels warranted, it will only hurt you.