Trust after Cancer

AbogadoAvocado

It seemed to me as I was going through cancer there were really only 2 kinds of people.

1. Outstandingly generous people who were doing everything they could to help and were upset they couldn't do more.

2. People who didn't care at all. Maybe they would do a low effort thing, like a box of cookies in the mail for politeness. They never asked how my young kids were doing, or followed up on anything.

I'm looking to see if people understand how I feel. I want to spend all my time and effort celebrating with the first group and giving to charity with the time I have left. For the people, who didn't care whether I died, I don't want anything to do with them. I don't want their fake hugs at Christmas or to bother with caring about them. Am I being cruel? I've become very judgmental over my in-laws especially.

po18guy

In general, those in the west do not know how to handle sickness and the potential for death. It can cause them to lose their minds. They don't know what to say and will blurt out some of the most ridiculous things. "You're going to a better place" or "You'll be just fine." I curt them some slack, as I was in that boat many years ago.

As well, once the word is out, you will be surprised who steps up, and who steps back. Generally, those who do the least will brag about it the most. True friends will be more quiet help, not seeking anything for themselves.

ShadyGuy

True strength comes from within, not from others. Everyone reacts to a situation differently. Maybe some of them respond the way they do - not because they want to harm you but because they see in you a fate that awaits us all and it scares them. Don’t try to control others because that is a generally futile undertaking. Peace and strength to you. Don’t give up.

LanaDelThey

If at all possible, I would try to reserve judgment. Of course, the people who showed up for you are worth celebrating. but someone only sending cookies in the mail doesn't mean they didn't care. Maybe they didn't know how to handle it.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, the first 6 or so months of treatment were a terrible time for me. It was made worse because it felt like so few people cared. People I've been close with my entire life sent a text or two and that's it. At the time, it just about broke my heart and my spirit. I seriously questioned why I was going through hell fighting a disease when I felt so alone/abandoned by the people I love. About a year into remission, I found out that the person whose behavior I perceived as complete disinterest and whose lack of care had hurt me most had been going through a terrible time at the same time I was. They'd themselves been hospitalized for a health issue and then had pretty much what amounted to a complete nervous breakdown. I hadn't known. They didn't want to burden me at the time, knowing what I was going through, but they also didn't know how to handle what they were going through, let alone be there for me. That opened my eyes. It's a cliche, but you don't know what battle someone else is fighting. Don't hold on to any feelings of bitterness. Even if it feels warranted, it will only hurt you.

shayshayshay

Seemingly so true. I’ve certainly observed most people’s cancer convo skills to be lacking. But that’s not anyone’s fault, it’s not something we’re supposed to know how to respond to. I believe things like therapy can help, but also group therapy, because everything can become so isolating. Just learning how to have those really difficult conversations, and also have someone coach and support you through it. At least that’s what I’m trying.

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1715713#Comment_1715713

vorzan

A compassionate GPT says,

"Dear AbogadoAvocado,

You are not being cruel—you are being honest. And that honesty arises from a heart that has suffered deeply and come face to face with what truly matters. When life is stripped to its essentials, as it often is in illness, it becomes painfully clear who is truly present and who is simply polite. That clarity can feel both like a gift and like a wound.

The Buddha never asked us to pretend kindness or manufacture love. He spoke instead of yoniso manasikāra—wise reflection—and taught that what we attend to with understanding, softens. You’ve seen beauty in some people’s hearts, and that gratitude is noble. You’ve also seen coldness or neglect in others, and it hurts. It is natural to want to turn away from those who seem indifferent in your most vulnerable time. But here, too, a gentle question can be asked: what is the cost of carrying that judgment?

Bitterness, even when it feels earned, weighs down the heart. It does not punish the indifferent; it punishes you. You don't need to seek closeness with those who failed you. But you can choose not to let their failure define your peace. The Buddha taught: “Hatred is never ended by hatred, but by love alone is hatred ended.” (Dhp 5) That doesn’t mean accepting hypocrisy—it means letting go of the wish that people had been different.

So celebrate with those who gave from the heart. That joy is pure. And if charity calls to you, give from that joy, not from spite. As for the others—release them. Not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace.

The judgment you feel may be the voice of a wounded heart asking: ‘Why did they not see me?’ Let that hurt be met with compassion, not with fire. Then you will truly be free."

Arx001

I agree with po18guy, many people don’t know what to do in the case of a cancer diagnosis. Furthermore cancer is frightening, not only for the laymen but also even for the medical community. Some people simply can’t handle the emotions. So expect some distancing.

Also remember that when we de we die and people just get on with their lives including our families. This is normal. Think of yourself, when you hear someone who is not close has a major or a terminal disease or has died you will likely say “sorry” and continue your life.

Having said that some people would really differentiate themselves by being caring and available. And some would be the opposite such as relatives who would speak “oh, he’s got x time to live” without feeling any empathy at all…