New Here - Not Sure I’m In The Right Place

emilyeliza23
emilyeliza23 Member Posts: 1 Member
in Caregivers #1

Hello all,

My name is Emily and my family and I have recently joined the club no one wants to be a part of. My father was diagnosed with Stage IV Renal Clear Cell Carcinoma within the last six months and it’s been such a journey. My parents have been such warriors and I am trying the best I can to be a rock for them. However, given that I’m 24 years old and don’t really have any experience what-so-ever in this realm, I’m still trying to learn to cope on my own and how to be a solid support for my family. It’s never the right time to be diagnosed with cancer, but this moment was really a doozy. My parents are new empty nesters with my brother just leaving for college in another state recently. I’m their only other child living in the state, and prior to this diagnosis my fiancé and I were set to marry and move to Florida this July for him to begin his PhD program. Of course we never expected my dad to get sick and it’s rocked everyone’s world to say the least. While we continue to work to find the best treatment for my dad, my parents have been mostly been pro-marry-and-move-to-Florida. However, as that time approaches I have been increasingly petrified. How am I supposed to go through with this plan under these circumstances? I find myself debating constantly on what the right thing is. Do I honor the commitment I made to my future spouse and go with him to pursue his degree? He’s worked so hard for this for YEARS and it was something I agreed to take on because spending my life with him was more important than where we lived. He’s been incredibly supportive. Whether it’s sitting in the hospital with us, listening to me cry on the phone for the 100000000th time, or just praying together, he’s been there every step. However, on the other hand I have this growing guilt and shame and concern for my parents once we move. I’m afraid that they’ll feel abandoned by me and that while I’m only a three hour flight away with a job that allows for flexibility to travel, they won’t feel supported by me. I currently live 2 hours away and while I’m not right with them, I call/text/FaceTime every day. The other thing is I don’t want to bring a sense of resentment into our marriage. I know my fiancé has expressed guilt even before this diagnosis that he knows he’s the reason I’m leaving my family (all my family and extended family lives in the same state). But, like I mentioned earlier this decision to move was just as much mine as his, it just feels way less enthusiastic now and I don’t want to blame him for that. I honestly feel selfish for even posting this on here. I often feel like “how dare I feel like I need support during this time” because I’m not the one who is sick or dealing with it head on every day. It feels good to even just write it all out, I appreciate you reading of you made it through this.

Comments

  • CTL0717
    CTL0717 Member Posts: 1 Member
    #2

    Hi Emily,

    First, I want to commend you for your strength and resilience during such a challenging time. It's clear how much you care about your family and your fiancé, and your thoughtfulness in navigating this difficult situation is truly admirable.

    It's natural to feel torn between supporting your parents and pursuing your own life plans. Remember that your parents love you and, despite their current struggles, they likely want to see you happy and thriving. They would probably feel guilty if their situation stunted your opportunity for happiness.

    Maintaining a bit of selfishness is important because life is short and tomorrow isn't promised. It's wonderful that you have a flexible job that allows you to travel and stay connected with your parents. You can still be a supportive daughter while also forging a life with your future spouse.

    Balance is the ultimate goal here. Your commitment to your fiancé and your plans for the future are significant, and you can honor those while still being there for your parents. It doesn't have to be perfect; life is complex, and it's okay to prioritize your own happiness alongside your family’s needs.

    Your feelings are valid, and seeking happiness is not selfish—it's necessary for your well-being. Keep communicating openly with your fiancé and your parents, and continue finding ways to support them while also taking care of yourself. I bet you're doing an incredible job, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

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