How do I cope if she won’t allow any us to accept it?

lazerline19

Hi Everyone first let me say thank you to anybody who has advice, experience, or opinions on this post. I am about to say some things that will make me sound like a monster but please understand I just want you to hear both sides and I feel it’s important to make sure I express my feelings as well for this situation to help you fully understand and possibly offer some guidance.

I am the youngest of 3 kids whose mother has some type of inoperable stage 4 cancer diagnosed 5 years ago. This is the extent of what we know as she refuses to tell us anything. I know she only had one chemo and one immunotherapy session. This is the extent of what we know other than we can tell the end is near. She made it very clear from the beginning we won't be discussing her cancer and or the refusal to get treated. I know losing her father to cancer was hard on her and he was the total opposite. He went on the attack aggressively and was very open about it and welcomed the support. I think her seeing her father suffer so bad and get so much treatment just to lose his life so quickly affected her to be this way. I want to say I know this is her life her body her cancer and her choice. I know I sound terrible and am about to sound worse in a minute here but I think this is selfish and terrible to do to her kids especially now towards the end. I am taking it the worst and its because I just want to not only help any way I can but also for me I want to just talk to my mother before she's gone get some last minute advice make some more memories. I want to take advantage of the very little time left. This is not an option she wont let anybody talk to her and or acknowledge that she has cancer. She is at the point where she is bed written no longer can she walk let alone leave the house or go for a drive. She is in a horrifying amount of pain where even morphene is not helping and it destroys me inside out that she won't even let me try and help. She has refused hospice, a home nurse aid, and if you even try to bring anything up even a simple question that would acknowledge her cancer and or life you are exiled. So I just don't know what to do. I am at the point where im just left knowing she is in her bed suffering and I cant do anything to help her. So selfishly I am also thinking of myself and my siblings how we are al going to be after she passes none of use getting any closure and being left knowing for the past 5 years she suffered so much alone and we are just left with that rotting inside us. I'm not even sure if any of that makes sense. If anyone out there had a similar experience, How do you cope, How did you cope, any advice or thoughts on what I can do to get through this along with psychotherapy which I need to start. I am just so scared of how I will feel after she is gone all my unanswered questions and time missed. I just want to be there with my mom the way she was there for us all our lives and it's not going to happen :(

Thanks for your time any tips stories etc very much appreciated. Apologies for the rambling and poor punctuation.