Mother who won't talk about her cancer how do I cope?

lazerline19

Hello everyone I am hoping by sharing this story I can find some of you who have delt with a similar situation to mine as I am struggling very bad with coping and processing what's going on with my mothers cancer. So first if you're here reading this, Thank You. I am no stranger to losing loved ones to cancer it has run on both sides of my family. What is new for me is my mother refusing since she was first diagnosed to accept, Treat, socialize, communicate in any form whatsoever about it. Fast forward five years since diagnosis today and I'm here typing this knowing the end is very near and it's starting to really mess me up. I understand everyone is different and I cannot ever understand her situation and I know there will be a bunch of responses defending her. I understand this is her life her choice her body and I have no right to interfere and for the most part I haven't. My struggle is I cant even try to talk to her about anything so besides the fact I know very little about her battle other than she has made it five years with some sort of stage 4 inoperable tumor cancer and having only done 1 dingle chemo and one single immunotherapy treatment that's about everything I know. So I am here selfishly hoping to find tips to cope and deal. I am the type of person I would have started dealing processing the second we got a diagnoses but since she won't allow this im left with all these unchanged emotions and thoughts. I want to say so many things do so many things take a few rides down memory lane ask some last advice tips etc etc. I just want to spend time talk lean and love before it's over. But she won't allow I and its not just with me its with everybody in her life. I am the youngest of her 3 children and it's for sure getting to me the most. I have to sit here everyday thinking about her suffering losing her ability to walk, drive,shop,work, etc. I completely understand this is normal a lot of people have this reaction and don't want their cancer to define them. And I apologize for what follows but I think it's terrible selfish to shut out your kids who love you and just wan to spend the little time you have left. I understand in the beginning but at this point I cannot understand this. It's been made very clear there is no talking or acting like she has cancer to the point she still thinks she's going to go back to work and her normal life. She refuses hospice, home nurse aid, even help from her own kids because then it is acknowledging the very existence of her cancer. So idk what to do just sit here counting the seconds until she passes knowing she's home alone laying in bed in extreme pain and I cant even help console her let alone just have a conversation with her. I am fearful of what this will do long term to all of us and especially me I can admit its literally destroying me from the inside out and I need to get some psychotherapy for sure but it would also be nice to talk or hear someone else similar story as well maybe they have an idea or just a story that can help me cope better. I also apologize for the long rant and poor punctuation, I am just all over the place its kinda hard to even just type this all out.