Mental breakdown and constant nightmares

Atotalmess Member Posts: 2 Member
edited January 30 in Kidney Cancer #1

In November I went to the ER for a gallbladder attack and they found a 4.4 cm lesion on my left kidney. I had blood in my urine for a year or so that my GP blamed on kidney stones, because I do have those as well.

I am seeing a urologist in a couple of weeks for my first consult and I am assuming it will be cancer as it was labeled an enhancing mildly heterogeneous ovoid mass on my latest scan, a CT UROGRAM.

All my other organs are clear up to my lung bases. But It is there I start to worry that this has spread to my lungs because not all my lungs were scanned. They did up to my heart,

I have not lived my normal life in months fearing I am going to have stage 4 cancer and die soon leaving my wife and grandkids. I am 55 years old. I can't function. I sleep all day because nightmares of dying soon keep me up all night. I have been placed on anxiety meds, but they don't do much but give me a headache.


  • Atotalmess
    Atotalmess Member Posts: 2 Member

    Also, the location of the lesion is  in the posterior aspect of the upper pole 

  • Lynn_65
    Lynn_65 Member Posts: 62 Member

    So sorry you had to join here but I think you will find much support. Your story sounds eerily similar to mine…a galllbladder attack sent me for a CT that found a mass on my left kidney in January of 2020. It is so scary when you hear but please take comfort in the many kidney cancer survivors on here and please don’t listen to Dr. Google as tempting as it is. There have been so many advancements in surgery/treatment!

    My story is on my profile, but I had a partial neprectomy in February 2020 and keep up with my follow up scans, at 1st every 6 months and now yearly, the next one on February 6th. I have seen my 1st grandchild reach 5 years old and my second will be here this summer.

    Will keep you in my prayers, please keep us posted!

  • Blkbrd
    Blkbrd Member Posts: 3 Member

    talking about it helps. I'm stage lV. It has spread quite a bit. I am 51, three kids, five grandkids. One of my sons is autistic and lives with me. I take anxiety meds. See if your doc can add an antidepressant. Takes a couple of weeks to start to work but with both medications the fears are manageable. Live in today as much as you can. If you are spiritual start your day and end it with a simple prayer and get prayer from others. Ask questions and tune in with others that are going through the same thing. Stay positive but go out and hit a tree with a bat or scream loudly into your pillow. Feel your feelings but don't let them become you.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep talking. Keep fighting. Stay you.

  • eug91
    eug91 Member Posts: 471 Member

    Hi Atotalmess-

    Sorry you had to join us like this, but I'm glad you did. It's a great group here and we've all been through what you're going through, so we know you're going to do great. We're here for you.

    It's never easy to hear the c-word, but you have reasons to be optimistic. You've caught the tumor early enough and at a relatively small size, so chances are good that you caught it before it could have a chance to spread to your lungs.

    The mental part of your journey is going to be just as tough as the physical, but you can do it. Be prepared for anything, then the results won't be that bad. Good luck with your consult.

    You're gonna do great. You've got this!

  • Allochka
    Allochka Member Posts: 1,057 Member


    4.4 cm is a relatively small size for kidney cancer. It is very improbable that it has mets to lungs or any other places.

    I guess you will have a removal surgery scheduled. Usually in some countries they do an x-ray before every surgery ( not to check for mets, but to check for tuberculosis, at least in my country). So quite possible you’ll get an x-ray, see that it is clear and calm down regarding mets.

    And the surgery with great probability will be curative and you will live many-many years ( and will have plenty of chances to stress about follow ups :-)

    Keep us posted what your urologist says!

  • Tobi
    Tobi Member Posts: 61 Member

    Hi, sorry you had to join us. I will say sorry I am little late commenting, I generally do not check the site too often. I will tell you that mine was found July of 2021 and I went through the same mental thing, after a while it is easier to find some peace with it all! I do not know if you have had a neph yet but I will say that when mine was found the CT had it a 4.2 cm and the MRI had it a 4.3 and when they took it out the largest margin was 3.5. My scans also showed everything clear just the mass in the kidney. I am around 2.5 years out and fine. Mine turned out to be stage 1a grade 1 clear cell rcc and just like my doc said it ended up being not that bad. My anxiety meds only worked sometimes, so the time I had up to my neph was a nightmare. I have done much better since that dark time and hopefully for you that will also be the case.