kuronrp Member Posts: 18 Member

As you all know, my stepfather has the fibrosis disease.

I am really here this morning to vent. Honestly. I think that no one will get it.... but I also see the purpose.

My mom's chemo has been reduced by twenty percent and that has not even had enough time for me to digest. It freaks me the heck out and I have been getting anxiety. Time is going so freaking fast and I have yet to prove anything to her except that I will always be the same. I need her to know that I am okay and that I can do life responsibly... but I also fear thats when she would relax into ya know.... But I also am anxious about the up coming pet scan.

I am desperately trying to save her life. I now just feel like I am being pushed to move faster. I cant handle hearing that her chemo is no longer working. 20 percent to me is a big deal!!!

Thankfully my little sister has been right beside me every day. But I'm not okay inside honestly. I am so overwhelmed with the emotions of my mom and now my stepdad tells me yesterday that he is going into hospice.... and I am just imagining having to stay in a room right next to him while he is dying and suffering and feeling whatever feelings he's having while trying to keep the idea that i am going to have to do this for my mom one day so i may as well learn how to handle it now. So many thoughts and feelings and me freaking out inside my head and trying to manage like I am not losing my ****. They panic when I seem like I am losing my **** and then they make me more nervous and anxious when they start watching me.... waiting to see if im okay or not. So now they are dealing with me not being okay when they are the ones dying.... So I have to be ok.

My anxiety and fear and frustration and then the thoughts and energy I start putting over those thoughts to man up and do it. I CAN DO" IT!!! But the question is.... HOW CAN I STAY STABLE!?? Mentally, emotionally, spiritually......

I have to do this, and he does deserve that from me. He may not have been perfect, and he has his own faults.... but he has been the man who stood in my father's place. I owe it to him to do that and I truly want to. I can't sit back and watch stranger's faces be the last thing he remembers.

So tomorrow will be regroup, refresh, clear minded again, and thank God for allowing me the opportunity to be with my stepdad during this time.


  • Cancerexerciserehab
    Cancerexerciserehab Member Posts: 3 *

    I am so sorry for what your mom is going through as well as the toll you are feeling as a caregiver. checking on you to see if your mom is doing better..

  • kuronrp
    kuronrp Member Posts: 18 Member

    She is doing better thank you for asking.

    She was in ICU for a week, and we were confused for the entire time as to what exactly happened. Today we went to the cardiologist to review the hospital stay as well as testing and etc. So far from what I am gathering is that she had a stress induced cardiomyopathy. The question they asked her was what happened on that day to cause her so much stress that sent her into this reversable heart failure.

    I know that my mom stresses a lot every day, all day. But that it her nature. What I believe caused her stress was the build up of everything that has been her reality for the past year and a half.

    I can see that she is tired and she has exhausted her whole sole in fighting this tough world. She is strong, beautiful, kind and a hard headed mother muffin.

    I just thank God for another day. Even if she made me need a xanax at the end of the day.