My Mom Passed Away from Stage IV Liver Cancer

joannekim
joannekim Member Posts: 4 Member
edited December 2023 in Liver Cancer #1

My name is Joanne (23) and I lost my mom to stage 4 hepatocellular carcinoma on December 13 at 2:58 a.m. this year. Right now, I'm just writing because after her funeral service and burial, I'm lost. I'm an only child currently living with my dad and I'm scared for him. He doesn't see the point in living a fun life now that his wife is gone. I have no other close family members. I feel guilty and I feel relief. I understand that grief is processed differently for everyone but I just wanted to see if anyone has felt the same way as I did.

She was first diagnosed in March of 2023, 9 months ago. The only reason why she even got it discovered was because she saw an ad campaign for getting cancer scans and decided why not. At times, I wonder if we shouldn't have taken the treatment and instead continued to let her live her life without any pain.

The cancer was stable and managed to stay only in her liver for about 6 months. She received treatment and her cancer had decreased by 30%. She had stayed so strong and confident for those first 6 months.

September rolled around for her MRI and the treatment had stopped working. Her oncologist told her she had less than 6 months. And he was right. We decided to go to another hospital for a second opinion. They wanted to stabilize her condition first because her physical body would not be able to handle the new treatment they prescribed her. But it took too long. Her ribs broke and her T6 had fractured, causing her unable to walk or stay in any position comfortably. There were more visits to the hospital to treat her injuries than the actual cancer itself. At this point, I began to think that the doctors were preventing her from getting treatment just to milk all the money out of us.

On November 26, my dad and I took her to the emergency room because she had complained of loss of strength in her legs, vomiting, and diarrhea. After hours upon hours, she was admitted into the ICU. The veins connected to her liver were bleeding out and needed to do a procedure. She made it through that at least. But then she had trouble staying lucid.

The doctors said she has less than two weeks. We decided that home hospice would have been best rather than having her die alone in a hospital. During the last two weeks of her life, she had a fine appetite but couldn't eat as much. She was in and out of sleep every 2 minutes and couldn't urinate by herself so they had to use a foley. My mother was a healthy, strong 52 year old woman. It broke my heart to have seen her become so weak.

One of my mom's friends decided to stay up with her throughout the night. When my mom had awoke, she looked at her friend and asked, "I'm still alive?" I didn't know this until after she had passed. To be unaware that my own mother didn't want to live anymore because of how much pain she was in completely destroyed me.

During the last two days of her life, she couldn't open her eyes. She couldn't eat or drink and I could still hear her stomach growling from how hungry she was. On the last night of her life, my father and I decided to sleep with her in the living room because I think deep down we knew it would be the last few hours of her life. We were right.

At 2:40 a.m., I woke up to my mother making the loudest painful moaning noises. My father and I were lost because we couldn't tell if she was in pain or if this was her mustering up the last of her energy to let us know that she was leaving. I'd like to think it was the latter. For the next 18 minutes, she continued to make those noises until it had stopped and she laid still. We watched for her pulse to stop and my dad was in hysterics. I had froze. I think it was because I had prepared myself for this moment for so long that I wasn't shocked that this had happened. I hadn't felt any pain, heartbreak, or sadness. Just nothing.

I guess I'm just confused. I feel like I'm moving on too quickly. I had already made up my mind that my mom was most likely in a happier place and that she's not in pain anymore. I'm not religious but she was heavily Catholic and if there's one person that deserves to go to heaven, it's my mom. I've been idealizing suicide for a long time. I can't live without my mom but as an only child, I can't live without my dad either. When it's time for him to go, I want to go as well. I've been creating lists on how I could take my own life when he crosses. I don't plan on getting married or having kids. There would be nothing to hold me back. But I guess the only thing that's stopping me is that I might not be able to go to the same place as my parents if I do take my own life. If God and heaven is real, I wouldn't be able to see my parents. I don't like the idea of reincarnation unless it would mean that I get to relive the same life with my family all over again. You can probably tell by this point that my mom and I were best friends. She had loved me like no other mother has.

I guess there really isn't any point to what I had just written. I think I just wanted to rant to people who have experience with cancer because I don't have many people around me that has. If you had made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read this.

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