Survivor Guilt

Jules0123

This is my first post. I was dx in March with HR+, HER2- cancer in my left breast. It was from my first mammogram, and I was shocked because I have no breast cancer history in my family and am sort of young (42). We initially thought we'd get away with lumpectomy and radiation only, but pathology showed a tiny infiltrate in one lymph node, so I did AC-T for 16 weeks total.

During this time, my husband was laid off (we work at the same company, and they knew I had cancer), and the company did 2 total rounds of layoffs. Essentially every person I'd worked closely with was let go.

A friend was dx with colon cancer just before I got my dx, and another friend was dx with colon cancer shortly after mine too.

In the past week, I finished chemo, two of my best friends were laid off (outside of where I work), and one of my friends with colon cancer lost her battle.

I want to celebrate and be grateful that I still have my health. I kept working all through chemo. Hell, I kept going to the gym.

But I feel crushing guilt over all the loss around me. And people started pulling away, not wanting to talk to me about their struggles because they don't want to stress out someone with cancer.

With my friends who were going through it, I didn't want to talk about how well I was doing because I didn't want to make them feel worse for having a hard time. Then when it got harder for me (that last month I kept going but it was pretty brutal), I didn't want to scare the friend who was dx after me or complain to the one who had it worse.

We want to fight and to survive, but it's not as simple as getting cleared and jumping back in. And it's hard when I don't feel like I can celebrate (part of it is grief, but a lot of it is guilt).

I guess I just wanted to see what other survivors feel about navigating survivor guilt, because it feels like it's exponentially growing in me. I feel guilty for feeling good, which makes me feel bad, which then makes me feel guilty for not appreciating that I'm alive, so I start feeling grateful, and then the cycle just keeps going.

I do see a therapist, so I'm not trying to deal with this totally on my own, but she isn't a cancer survivor. I am interested in other survivors' experience.

mcke79

Hi Jules0123, I'm glad you are doing well. I completely understand the guilt. I also have a lot of guilt that people don't understand. I was diagnosed in April with dcis in my left breast (43 years old). Plan was lumpectomy & radiation but after an mri, a second site was discovered so the lumpectomy was no longer an option. I had a double mastectomy on 5/25 & reconstruction on 5/26. Since the lymph nodes & tissue pathology came back clear other than the dcis, I had no further treatments. As happy as I am anout that, I am full of guilt, especially around friends & neighbors who have gone through it or are currently going through it now. I don't have any suggestions on how to handle it because I really don't know but I can tell you that you are not alone🩷

mom62

I lost a dear friend to ovarian cancer when i was going through my second round of breast cancer 13 years ago. We actually really bonded over our treatments and the way we felt. It was nice to talk to someone going through the same thing even though we had different diagnosis. I miss her every day but i know she would be amazed I am still here living life to the fullest. Just be there for those going through treatment but do not feel guilty. You are a survivor!