Starting to feel scared

margania

Hi all…I don’t of anyone is in this group. I read Carol’s share of feeling scared and that was in September of 2022…a year ago.

I was just officially diagnosed on Fri. The radiologist suspected about a week ago during my mammogram…and the biopsy confirmed it.

Interestingly, I was terminated from my job a day before my mammogram…I was a new college dean…and on the wrong side of the political plays…a gift in many ways…and with the cancer diagnosis…I don’t have the capacity to fight it…every now and again…I feel that the firing was unjust. But I’ll leave that for now.

I’m 57 with two girls 17 and 20. I had to have the conversation of cremation and life insurance just in case. I anticipate I will recover.

I’ve been going to support meetings every day…some twice a day and taking taekwondo classes almost every day and talking about my diagnosis.

I chose not to call or see the majority of my friends since it feels like their fear will turn the conversation to someone they knew so they didn’t have to really hear that ai’m scared not of dying but all the things…surgery…treatment…the pain afterwards…the 12am - 2am when I’m in bed alone with myself.

I’m divorced…my choice…and amicable…and seeking my next person.

I’ve gotten tons of support and hugs and the fear is just a small part of my day about 3 hrs early morning.

I have my first in-person cancer support group tonight. My daily support is 12-step group I’ve been a part of since college.

I’m having pulls in my left breast and neuronal sensations at the nipple and down my arm that remind me my mass is there. I wonder what the cells are doing…those cancer cells.

I’ve started doing a bit of research on how the nerves inner are the breast just to get some context…and I think my mass is growing in my medial and lateral nerve area and causing my sensations. This was a just a google search…my radiologist gave me some lame brush-off BS answer about Brest pain being difficult to identify.

I try to ignore silly answers and I actually want her to go to google.

I think I’m most afraid of being without a partner who loves me unconditionally who can give the hugs and be willing to talk and walk and just just hold my hand when it gets hard or the fear pops up.

Writing helps…I hope there’s some brave person out there whose willing to comment…I’m at the very beginning of my journey…I’m waiting for my surgical consult…another couple of weeks…unavailable till then…this is concerning.

I’m also seeking a surgeon who is part of a breast center…delayed a bit until my super expensive Cobra is squared away.

I believe in God and have a faith…however I find myself annoyed when people lead with that…feels like a cop out…just tell me to turn it over to God so we don’t have to talk about it.

I more of Jesus’s style where he was there talking and engaging with people…he wasn’t shouting “I’m God’s son”

That’s it for me..I feel less afraid…and I hope to connect with some survivors soon.

Peace-

Phyllis

LovesPrimes

I'm so sorry, Phyllis. Cancer sucks. Period.

Please let me/us know how best to support you at this part of your cancer journey. I was diagnosed March 22nd (this year) and had bilateral mastectomy and tissue expanders May 11th. My cancer was caught early and my treatment is 5-10 years of hormone blockers. (I.e. I didn't have to have chemo or radiation.) I'm having a host of side effects from Tamoxifen, the worst being crushing fatigue. My reconstruction surgery will be December 22nd and I'm choosing DIEP, which I'm told is going to be even harder to recover from than my mastectomy.

I'm a believer and agree that too many offer cop out statements or platitudes. However, I've learned (most of the time) not to hold it against people; they generally either don't know what to say and/or have good intentions. I am thankful that with Jesus, I can turn things over to Him AND continue to talk about it. Grief is a process and He can handle my anger, grief, sadness, all of it. It's also helping me to have a Cancer Support Counselor.

As a side note, I also have a background in academia (professor, not admin). At the age of 50, I left a decade+ academic career and went into industry. I'm 52 now and still not sure if I was crazy or brave (maybe both) to make such a huge change! But over the past several months, with this cancer diagnosis and battle, I've been very thankful for more private occupation versus having to teach throughout.

Please feel free to ask me anything.

LovesPrimes

I typed out a long response here but it seems to have disappeared. If this shows up, then I will try to go back and retype my message.

margania

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1709105#Comment_1709105

Thanks for the comment. It’s taken me a bit to reply. I’ve been up and down with my emotions and have created a nice support network.

However, I’m just sitting in the park wondering “what am I suppose to do next”. I have my surgical consults in a couple of days. I have a new survivor friend going with me and I’m in a state of stuck.

I see couples getting ready to start a new family….kids riding their bikes…owners with their dogs….couples walking…friends chatting.

I just received a request to walk…my daughter wanting dessert later…and my mom requesting her selection of food for the evening.

And all of it…just noise…I have faith…always have but I’m just not certain what to do….so I’m just sitting on a bench…replying to your text as the sun goes down….and thinking I have to stop eating ice-cream.

Ii know so need to rally but I have no clue toward what!!!!

and good job that you made a decision that feels better even though it may be scary with an unknown future. You’re on a path!

PS

Sunny5

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/327072/starting-to-feel-scared

I assume you are probably well into your treatments if you are having chemo. Hear me, dear lady! There is hope! I am a triple negative survivor. Diagnosed in Dec. 2021 and finished chemo, radiation and lumpectomy in July 2022. My mammograms have been clear since then. Reach out to your oncology department for help as well as your support groups (which I am so glad you have, by the way). They have a lot of resources to help you, including mental. Just talking to them will help you. Yes, I believe in God also, and credit Him with my survival, BUT He uses people for his hands and feet. So if anyone brushes you off, just walk away from them. I wish you all the best and please keep us posted on how things go. Sunny

jackpot

Margania/Phyllis - i was just diagnosed last month and am scheduled for surgery in 3 weeks. My anxiety is also strongest in the morning and i'm still trying to figure out how to manage it. It was so helpful to read your post, it helps me know that i'm not alone, so thank you for sharing. I am also a professor and have always loved my work, but am finding it hard to focus right now. However, teaching and meetings - keeping busy - does help take my mind of everything to some extent.

How are you doing?

margania

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1712428#Comment_1712428

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1709106#Comment_1709106

Hi Jackpot!

First, hang in there you got this! You are stronger than you think. The fear is real and the toughest to overcome initially. But I needed to face it to get to the other side of it. I personally had to take it one moment at a time in the beginning. I just started taking the next step and making the very next decision. I talked about my diagnosis at all of my meetings and survivors were coming out to support me. This helped me to find joy and gratitude and love from others. Don’t think you have to do this alone. I found WINGS…a local support group for women who were cancer survivors. Once I surrounded myself with survivors then I was able to bring my friends in to support me. They were all amazing. I felt loved and cared for. My ex-husband was at my home every evening to be there for our girls. And he still comes now.

My surgery for a bilateral mastectomy was Nov 6th…I had tissue spacers inserted with drains. It took about 5 weeks before my left drain was removed and 6 weeks for the left drain. The length of my drains gave me nerve pain towards the end…that was tough. And the first few weeks were tough with pain in the evenings at bedtime. I took pain meds at night and Tylenol during the day.

I had my last saline injection two weeks ago and my implant surgery is Mar 18. That’s the quick story. The beginning post-surgery was the toughest and the emotional grief of loss is still there but it has lightened. I needed to let my body and mind rest for the 6-8 weeks after surgery…a bit tough for my type A personality.

No cheno or radiation. I’m on Letrozole (hormone therapy). The side-effect of hot flashes and some mood shifts are back…but manageable.

I have a greater appreciation of my faith, love, being open, and letting **** go. My job loss…the best thing for me. It allowed me to reflect on what I was doing in my life and seek out more balance. The cancer (nobody wants it) but it was a gift and taught me and still teaches me valuable lessons.

I since texted my Dean’s at my previous college and thank them for the opportunity. I made some good contributions over the 5 years that so was there and I learned quite a bit for my career.

I dated an old BF for a number of weeks and that felt good as a first-go…but not the right match for the long term. My friends have been my saving grace so I stay busy with them, my faith community, 12 step community, and my family. I found that this experienced opened me up to a huge support group of wonderful friends. And not to sound Pollyanna…I also put in time to support my friends…paying it forward and giving back. I also participate in meetups to stay busy…both online and in-person now. The last area is my Taekwon-do training…I haven’t started back yet…but hope to start back slow soon. I took my first dance class (jazz-funk) last week and it kicked my butt at the last third of the class so so had to sit down, But I had a blast shaking my groove thing and enjoying moving to the music.

i felt truly happy today for the first time in a long time…and that felt amazing. I’m interviewing for a new Dean role…I’m headed into my second round interview today at 11am. If it’s for me I’ll get it…if not..I’ll find my next role soon.

I’ve learned how to be a better friend and mom through this process. My girls and I are laughing more and I’m getting support to stay balanced and love myself more and stay far away from working like a maniac.

I want to enjoy my life and surround myself with people that love me.

I got my sea-legs and found my courage and strength and you will too.

Much love and light for your steps ahead! You got this!

Phyllis

jackpot

Phyllis - i am so glad to hear about your happiness today! I am looking forward to feeling that again and appreciate your willingness to give me that hope and encouragement. It feels more and more like i need a support group, so i've started looking for some options. The fear and anxiety is just so heavy and unlike anything i've experienced so I think talking with others will help. It's really the fear of the unknown consuming me right now and what my post surgery results will show - i just can't seem to get past it.

Hearing about your progress is so helpful and a great distraction from my own struggle. Best wishes on your interview today! I'm pulling for you to find what you enjoy and you surround yourself with things you love.