Pace is peace

kuronrp

Yesterday was a great day with mom. She was in an upbeat mood. Interested in the things we were doing together. Tapping into that strong woman I have always know. It felt as though I had MOM back. I am blessed and so grateful for the minutes and seconds we had yesterday.

I am focusing on allowing an emotion or an incident that arises to come to my mind and through my soul... feel the feeling whether good or bad or hopeful or fearful and then calm my entire being and allow it to float across the "board" I have listened to the advice you beautiful people have given me and I recognized the lack of comfort and support and motivation I have been lacking to provide to the most important person in my world.

This morning I write because I am doing my best to process the progression I can see and feel happening within my mom. I see eyes holding back tears and I can see she feels the process happening. The eyes are the windows to the soul and if I dont know anyone better on this Earth than my mother then I do not know who.

I was told that when a woman is pregnant or passing they get into a "nesting" phase. They begin cleaning, painting, changing, ensuring the home is a home. Yesterday I experienced what that MAY look like. Mom has been engaged in wanting to fix faucets, paint trims, clean, and she is very focused on making sure my room here is a peaceful and beautiful space. WE DECIDED ON OCEAN/SEASIDE type theme.

Maybe she is just feeling a little more energetic or a little more motivated, but I also know she is taking double the amount of pain medicine she used to take. She has started showing concern and question little things happening to her body. But what really has my mind unable to float across my board is the fact that she questioned me about where I got my laptop at. I informed her that she gave me her credit card and I went to Walmart to purchase this two months ago to take on a potential new career. There were phone calls back and forth as I went to different stores calling her telling her I couldnt find what I was looking for here and was going to go there and then we discussed having to increase what we initially agreed on for the price of the laptop. It was pretty much an entire half day event. But when I told her this, she seriously could not recollect and she doubted I was telling her the truth. The situation was bothersome but after about an hour I began to think..... OH MY GOD! Is her mind starting to fade or go. Am I going to lose HER before I lose her physical being? Will the body and soul be here for much more time but WHO MY MOM IS fade and I lose her right in front of me?

I know there are things called chemo brain. Lung cancer can spread to the brain. Naturally in age your healthy mind slips a little at a time. So I am trying to FLOAT THIS by. I SEE the sadness and acceptance in her eyes lately that wasnt there before. It KILLS ME INSIDE to know that even if I can comfort her and distract her for A DAY.... she has to live and breathe this every second of her being. I WANT TO SO DESPERATELY TAKE THIS FROM HER! I wish to God there was just a way. She hasnt even had the time in these 66 years to experience or live a life for HERSELF happiness.

ON A POSITIVE NOTE: She did get a new recliner yesterday. I loved how beautifully it worked out. We went to the store for one thing and I guided her to the furniture area and suggested she just sit in one or two. WITHOUT the whole speech of "No Phillip I cant afford no damn recliner I dont want to go sit in them." She just floated with it. And she found one she liked and big brother and sis in law made the purchase, delivery and I did the set up. I AM SO GLAD AND SO ESTATIC that she got something for once that she deserved and didn't have to buy herself.

ITS TOUGH! ITS PAINFUL! ITS A CONSTANT NAG AT THE SOUL AND MIND! BUT WE HAVE TO HAVE TO HAVE TO PUT ON OUR BRAVE FACES AND CAPES AND BRING NOTHING BUT POSITIVITY TO OUR LOVED ONES RIGHT NOW!

Thank you ALL for being here and for being where I can go and let out at the end of the days emotions and all the stuff that comes with it!

MUCH LOVE AND PEACE!

Lovemywife

Kuronrp,

My wife finds solace in cooking. Besides having a small vegetable garden in our backyard. She loves preparing and cooking new meals that she finds online.

With all her cancer medications, monthly doctor appointments , bloodwork and CT scans she can can mentally escape into her cooking .

I hope your mom is loving her new recliner. The little moments of happiness is so precious.

live in the moment…