Under the rug - Sweep it or keep it?

kuronrp

Most of my life my mother has always tucked away her emotions. She never really let anyone see her hurting, scared, or doubtful. She has always been the saver when any of us had troubles or pains. She has always been that person that you can count on 100% to be the one to make it all better. For me.... there is no one that will ever replace that and it is often times the most painful emotional feeling I get when I have to accept that even if she lives to 105 I will still NEVER have that in anyone else on this EARTH.

Tonight I realized that she has never had that in her life. Not as a child, a wife, a mother, or a friend. The "security blanket" she envelopes our family with is something she has never experienced. I never really thought about that or recognized that until now. She has just always been so strongand independent. Never asking for help or showing weakness. I cannot recall even one time that I ever felt like everything will be okay. But there is so much there that she has never unloaded. Never just sat down and completely, whole heartedly opened up and discussed. The struggles, abuse, abandonments, fights, let downs, self-doubts, regrets, second questionings..... any of these things.

My cousin told me once a few years ago, (before I believed in even doing "therapy or discussion boards"), that our parents have always "SWEPT IT UNDER THE RUG." It has been a saying that has stuck with me ever since she explained it to me at a lunch date. My mother and her siblings have always appeared to have it all together. Not perfect, but together. They have always provided for themselves and their children and did the very best to raise us right. I believe when looking at it that our parents really put us FIRST. I think my aunts and uncles and my mother were each very grateful for us children and really cherished us.

Each of them had so much trauma and negative experiences that they have never faced and discussed with someone. I don't think they have even ever discussed it with each other. So for my mom I can see how it has affected her as a human being. Even by my own wrong doings I have caused her a great deal of over whelming emotions that she has not ever let out. She was once the most giving and welcoming person you would meet. Always had a smile and an upbeat attitude. And she ALWAYS looked like a million bucks. (She would probably say something about champagne taste on a beer drinkers budget was how she always dressed so fly lol) Now she is reclused and reluctant to meet people. She does not trust anyone and she is mostly looking at and pointing out the negative in every situation. I guess you could say she's like a grumpy old man.

In the past few years I have gained respect for and recognize the importance of not keeping things "Under the rug". Do not let things stay bottled up. It is extremely important, in my belief and experiences, that even though at first it sounds and appears ridiculous, talking it out loud and letting the memory come clearer and feeling the emotions is so important mentally, spiritually and necessary for being a better YOU!

My mom has never let me down. She has never intentionally caused me hurt or disappointment. TO ME, she is an INCREDIBLE WOMAN. I have always been so grateful that SHE is my mom. So now I face the question, "sweep it out from under the rug or keep it under the rug?"

The last thing I want is to cause HER more harm, especially emotionally, by addressing things. But when I feel attacked by her judgements in my decisions or who I am on a day to day basis and what I have become, I get extremely hurt. There is no feeling like the feeling you get when your mother thinks of you in such negative ways. So naturally I have always counter attacked with trying to remind her how people - friends and family - judged her actions and decisions. I try to remind her that I ALWAYS defended her when someone wanted to throw an opinion or hurtful comment. I have ALWAYS been the one to accept my mom for her in all her ways and flaws and beauty. I know I have been her biggest ally and fighter, but I have also been her biggest pains and disappointments. So I accept what she says about me and I can say she is accurate. She doesn't say anything about me to me that is not true. But I am HERE. I have always been HERE when the thick gets thick and the dark gets dark. We have always been that way with each other. So when I bring up things that she may not like hearing because to HER the decision or action she made in that memory is not okay for her, she "sweeps it under the rug" gets very upset and we do not address it.

In this process of our lives do I sweep it out of keep it under????

I think I realized tonight that I need to keep it under. It's not ever going to be the time in my relationship with her that we can unload on each other. I need to let her unload on me and accept that.

I sometimes just wish I could have MY "MOM" back just like she wishes she had "ME" back.

All I can do is be thankful for another second, minute, day, moment with her.