Getting it together

kuronrp

I know that my mom is the one who has to go through the disease and I cant imagine what it is like inside her head and heart. Shes always been one to keep her feelings and fears and etc to her self. I have seen her fall apart half way twice since this diagnosis and I can be honest.... it was totally heart breaking.

I am an addict and have struggled with alcoholism and more recently drugs. It seems like thats kinda always been my norm. But I am falling apart and to be honest I am so freaking SCARED and HURTING so far down in my soul. My mom really is the only person on this Earth that I have ever built a bond and can always go to with my everythings. I mean we all know that we are supposed to out live our parents, but this is just too soon. I remember growing up my biggest fear was that my mom would get sick or something would happen to her. Shes a tough cookie though and she has always been the strength in the family.

I feel like I have accepted the diagnosis... I have searched high and low for options.... I have broken down in my room many times late at night.... I have drank and snorted and smoked away all the tight chest constricting feelings..... but in the end I still end up right back here.

I know my mom wants me to have a good life and she wants to see me OK before her time comes. I get that. But I know shes going to heaven for sure and I know she will see how much of a wreck I am going to be. Honestly..... I really do not think I want to experience life without her. It will be so weird. So empty. So lonley.

I WISH I could just take away this cancer. GOD WHY DO YOU NOT ANSWER!?????

I do not know what I am really doing sometimes. I think I keep trying to find a way to silence my minds whispers and racing thoughts constantly. I try to speed up my heart so it will stop beating in pain. I think I am dancing with the edge of darkness...... thats what I am doing really. Each time just a little further. BUT I CANT do that either.

THIS IS SO FREAKING HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL LIKE NO ONE REALLY UNDERSTANDS!

My older brother called me yesterday and said "Its lung cancer. The lung is what makes you breath. So one day she just isnt going to breath?"

UGHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NO IDEA! Because the one thing I have NOT DONE is learned what the end will look like. But its a constant fear each night that in the morning..... Bonnie will be with the angels.

AND THEN WHAT!?