Understanding

kuronrp

So my mother has been the most important person to me in this entire world. She is also the one person I have broke down and destroyed and hurt the most. Sometime I can understand why I might do these things and sometimes I do not understand why I would. It has caused me plenty of conflict in my life and currently in my role as the person who is by her side 24/7 during her hardest times.

Hardest times???? Thats the part that makes my guilt kick in every single freaking time I do something that disappoints her. But lately I have been realizing that my "super hero in a cape" may not be the idol I always made her out to be.

Since I was a kid, my mother always had an alcohol problem. But she managed as a functioning alcoholic. There were times that she would walk across the street late at night drunk, the neighbor an addict, and she drop all her pills from the front door to our driveway.... I was the one who got the cussing. Told that I couldnt be over there. Many times my mother was so intoxicated she would crawl down hallways, throw up out my car window, hotels to hide what she was doing, and many many years of us drinking and numbing ourselves.

But thats my baby. So I know how hard her life was when she was growing up. I know the beatings she took from men. I know how she had to deal with being something no one wanted in their lives.

She suffered so freaking much and she always just tried to find a stable and normal home for her kids. But sadly we never had that. My mom played a big part in mine and my two brothers **** up lives. She tried her best yes and I give her that. But as I battle knowing that the woman and mother I love more than my OWN LIFE will one day no longer be breathing is more than I can comprehend. I really dont know what I will do when my mom is gone. I mean there is so much anger and so much frustration and so much regret and so much disdain that I dont even know why we both continue to do this........ but I GET IT. I am an addict. She doesnt even know this and accept this because she wasnt there. She enabled so long and didnt even notice when my addiction went from beer and pills to suicidal tendacies and hard drugs.

What bothers me the most is that even in all my messed up ways and addict behaviours, I have strived to ensure my mother is being cared for properly and that the doctors are on top of labs as quickly as I am. There have been so many years between us that she doesnt even realize drinking and smoking is my normal....... and that I am progressing in my addiction that may kill me sure..... but she isnt taking the steps to make sure she is going to survive.

As a lung cancer patient..... my mothers breathing and blood flow and comfort can be compromised at all times. And TRUST ME..... I HAVE SPENT MANY MANY MANY nights and days and weeks trying to figure out how to save my baby!!!! But reality is that I cannot save her. Especially when she decides she is going to take her medicine the way she wants, continue to smoke, continue to pretend she is so broke she cant enjoy life, but can afford two carton of cigs........ So maybe thats why I say **** IT and use the money to get drunk and high. OR AS SHE WOULD SAY THATS AN EXCUSE AND DONT USE HER..... its soooooo funny how she is the only one who doesnt get it.

I cant want better for her. I cant make her change her ways. I cant relive the rehabs I was in with her picking me up drunk. I cant relive the jail sentence with her bringing xanax in a bra. I cant forget her letting me live with a 20 yr old pedophile at 15 because "I was gonna do it anyways"

I dont judge her..... I just wish she wouldnt judge me..... because guess what????? I HAVE BEEN THERE EVERY FREAKING TIME!!!!!!!!! Told not to call 911 cause Id go to dfacs. Patching her head up. smh....... ITS SO HARD FEELING ALL THIS AND CANT SAY IT TO HER.... because she doesnt deserve to hear this in the end..... but just dont judge me...... Cause NO ONE ELSE WOULD EVER DO THIS FOR YOU

DavidONj

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