Nervous and looking for words of support

Heatherh92

Hi Group,

I am nervous and sad to have to reach out, but I'm really hoping for some comforting words from others that may be in similar boats. Last year, very suddenly my husband received a diagnosis of stage II testicular cancer. He is 35 and I am 31 so for seven months we were really in a spiral of, well what cancer does to any family. My husbands treatment was hard on his body, but as of this February, he is NED. Of course he still has years of blood work and CT scans, and chest x-rays, but everything has been clear and we're more than thankful. The emotional toll it took on him though, and still takes on him really broke my heart. He was strong through everything, but of course he doesn't see it that way.

Fast forward to this May I started having severe pain in my stomach, bloating and blood in my stool, a lot of blood. I initially thought it was from the stress of what our household had been through and caring for my husband, but then I remembered my father was diagnosed with stage IIIb colon cancer at 49 (nine years ago) and recently had a reoccurrence, putting him back in treatment. I'm not close with my father so it wasn't something my husband was aware of. I pushed for a CT scan and colonoscopy and the CT scan just came back with an abnormal and large mass and tomorrow I go in for my colonoscopy. I'm so terrified to tell my husband and family because of what we've already gone through. I know I cannot keep this from him, but I'm so scared of treatment and what it could be and all the questions that go through ones mind when this is presented to them. I feel like I have failed my husband because I was supposed to stay healthy while he continue to heal from his cancer treatment. And I hate the idea that our son will more than likely have to watch another parent go through treatment, because it scared him when my husband was so sick. Some of this may sound unreasonable to a few, I guess I'm just scared and not understanding why.

Thanks for listening.

-Heather

Bre

Dear Heather,

Considering you journeyed with your husband during his cancer treatments, and now anticipating the results of the colonoscopy, anyone would probably be anxious. It’s normal. I’m the one who had colon cancer and now my husband has prostate cancer. That was quite a blow. But we’re handling it.

Anyway, yes you must tell your husband and together handle whatever comes. Unfortunately life isn’t always fair or easy. There’s no easy solution to your anxiety about this except to get and stay informed. You and your husband will find a way to talk to your son.

Just know that being scared is normal. I wish you peace and comfort.

Trubrit

Welcome to the forum, Heather.

I am sorry to hear all that your little family are going through. It is tough when one of you has Cancer, but then to face it yourself, is understandably frightening.

The only part of your post that was 'unreasonable' is your guilt is that you 'feel like I have failed my husband because I was supposed to stay healthy while he continue to heal from his cancer treatment' But again, the mind is messed up, so I think it is more understandable than unreasonable.

We have and have had several members on the forum where both partners in a relationship, have battled Cancer, and our friend, Beaumont Dave will probably be the one that responds, and will have a better understanding of the emotions you are experiencing.

You know you will face what you have to, and it will be easier - in a fashion, when you know exactly what is going on, and if something IS going on, the plan of action to bring you back to full health. You will do it and with strength, for yourself, your husband and son.

This forum can run slowly, but stick with us, and we will stick with you.

Tru

MelyMel11

I am sorry to read this that is going on. While I was going through treatment for stage III colon cancer, my husband would continue to tell me how strong I was and how I was going to beat this, even though I felt defeated. Unfortunately I have Lynch Syndrome which means I will forever be watching and waiting for it to come back if it does, and more likely it will. While going through treatment I felt that I had failed my husband because I was not the wife he married. He reminded me that we are in this for sickness and health, we have to take the good with the bad. I hope that you get the proper treatment, but you need to tell your husband sooner than later.

beaumontdave

Hi Heather, click on my avatar/name and read my story to save me dragging it out here again. Me and my wife fought cancer together, and rather than guilt, it bonded us in profound ways. We got to be there for each other and share a unity of feelings that one patient and one caregiver likely can't quite reach. We were both deep in it, everything was scary and uncertain for both of us. It helped that I set my own hours as an independent contractor, but I took her to nearly all her appointments, and she was at mine, and I can't tell you how much that meant to me, and does now, looking back at that part of our lives. Our kids responded too, and my son and the present daughter, were great help, when I had to work. It hurt them as Cindy finally succumbed, but it taught them strength too. Trust your family to love you now, as you have loved them, and find your strength, and sense of calm. Good luck to you all..............................Dave

Heatherh92

Hey everyone. Thank you all for your kind words so far. Thursday night I told my husband my fears and the possibility that it could be cancer and how long I had been keeping the symptoms to myself. I’m so blessed in this life to have him by my side because there wasn’t an ounce of blame in his voice when we talked about it just care. Well, I didn’t feel like responding yesterday after the ordeal of the colonoscopy, but waking up and seeing the doctor and my husband immediately and him telling us he’s 99 percent sure it’s cancer solidified my fears. Of course until pathology comes back, nothing is certain, but I think I know.

Dave, and anyone else who has gone through this with their spouse please continue to provide advice on how you guys kept your marriage solid. It’s not so much I’m worried about our marriage or anything like that, but cancer can and will take so much out of even the strongest people.

Thanks guys,

-Heather 💙

Trubrit

The Gastro Doc told me, when mine was Cancer. They've seen enough of it, to know.

I am sorry it has to be, but now you pretty much know, you can start on the journey to get it taken care of.

It is good that you told you hubby, and when the path comes back, then you can tell your son and you other loved ones. Their support will help no-end.

We are a sweet little community, here. Stick with us, and we'll stick with you.

Tru

Bre

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1706446#Comment_1706446

Heather,

The part of your post that got my attention is when you wrote that you think you know. I had the same feeling when I had my liver biopsy. I just knew.

I’m so glad you and your husband had a conversation about your fears, etc. You must feel so supported. My best advice is to keep that communication flowing. Your future experiences will likely not be the same as his were. Just be open and honest. You got this!

I wish you strength and peace.

Bre

Heatherh92

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1706448#Comment_1706448

Thank you Bre, I do feel very supported by him, as scared as I am and still dealing with my own level of guilt, I know he is going to be here for me as much as I was/am through his treatment. I truly appreciate the kind and honest words.

Best and strength to us all.

-Heather

Heatherh92

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1706447#Comment_1706447

Thank you Tru. I didn’t really reach out to a support group with my husbands treatment, being the spouse. But with my own now hitting me like a semi truck, it’s really comforting hearing from others, because I am hella, hella scared. (The hella gives away my Cali location). But I am, and I hate that anyone in this world has to fight this awful battle and just pray I’m mentally strong enough.

-Heather

Gram2020

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1706453#Comment_1706453

You’re strong enough! I’m in the same boat, scared. This is my 2 nd go round and I’m waiting to speak with surgeon. He knows what he’s going to say/advise, but I don’t and it’s terrible waiting. I got an infection in my liver after biopsy… it’s clearing up with meds. If a 2.0 cm met is getting taken out, why would I need more treatment? I’m just hoping for other perspectives, and hope!🙏

Trubrit

Quote:  If a 2.0 cm met is getting taken out, why would I need more treatment? I’m just hoping for other perspectives, and hope!🙏

My answer: Often times an Oncologist will want his patient to go through a cycle of treatment in order to mop up any stray Cancer cells, which may have avoided the knife. Take myself for instance, my surgeon was sure he 'got everything' when I had my bowel reception. My Oncologist still wanted me to undergo chemo and radiation after my bowel resection, just to make sure. As it happened, there was still a rouge Cancer cell drifting in my body, which ended up turning into a tumour in my liver. Chances are, if I had not had the chemo and radiation after surgery, I may have had more than one rouge cell and my outcome not as favourable as it is at this time.

It is always the patients decision to undergo further treatment. I think it is a wise move, no matter how hard chemo and radiation is on a person and their precious body.

IncognitoPineapple

Hi Heather,

Colorectal stage II cusp of stage III SURVIVOR! I was 35 when I was diagnosed. My symptoms were SEVERE cramping, extreme loss of weight, blood in my stools (weird part of it, was the blood looked like branches) Long story short, I was talking to my gynecologist about the blood in my stools…it seemed to be right around ya know that time of the month. He immediately got me in to see a gastroenterologist and he did the very unpleasant finger exam. It was bloody, go to colonoscopy…started and had to stop because the mass was bleeding so much. He stopped the colonoscopy came out and told my husband and Mom that I was in GOD’S hands now. Diagnosed on October 31st 2005. Had surgery November 1st, six months of chemo every other week. Went in for chemo Monday-Wednesday and Wednesday after my chemo, they sent me home with a lovely black Fanny pack filled with chemo. Go in on Friday and give Fanny pack back to them and then get Neulasta shot.

ATTITUDE is EVERYTHING!!!! I came up with the “FIVE ‘F’ rules.

FAITH

FAMILY

FRIENDS

FIGHT(ing ATTITUDE)

FUN

I just recently lost my husband to stage IV inoperable non small cell lung cancer on 4/16/2023. I still can’t believe or even understand how it NEVER showed up in bloodwork, MRI’s etc. He got a CT scan and it was hiding behind his heart and had already spread to lymph’s and other areas. I’ve been cared for and caregiver and I won’t lie to you, NONE OF IT IS EASY, but YOU CAN DO IT. Looks like you have plenty of support and lots of prayers being sent your way. I didn’t see if there was an update or not. Feel free to message me on any questions or just for some encouragement.

Lisa 🍍

Heatherh92

Hey guys, long time no comment. I feel really fortunate being able to log back in and reach back out. I shut down pretty horribly a couple of months ago, but not because of my own treatment. Quick update, I had surgery the beginning of July and started chemo after. The symptoms have sucked, but I’m hanging in there.

The **** kicker? I had mentioned that my husband fought cancer last year/early into this year, and he did amazing. Follow up CT scans were going well, blood work was looking good, until it wasn’t. Testicular cancer is weird in follow up consists of chest, abdomen, and pelvic CT scans. He had a follow up CT scan right at the end of June and it was really bad. Multiple large lung nodules and what doctors were showing as wispy shadows, Mike you his last CT scan was in February so these grew very quickly and aggressively.

So we’re two months into what I’m sure hell feels like. I’m so scared, I feel like every time we’ve gone in for an appointment the news has been worse and worse for him and I just don’t understand.

Thanks for letting me vent, and if you have the time for words that helped you, I would be thankful for them.

-Heather

Trubrit

Dear Heather! I am so sorry to hear about your husbands recurrence. It is just awful, and can really bring you down.

I had a recurrence of my CRC four months after my first NED. It was gut wrenching! While I never did believe, and still don't, in saying 'I'm Cancer Free', it still hurt like the dickens, when they told me it was back and I was Stage IV.

Well, that was almost 10 years ago. They jumped on it quickly, and got it all taken care of; so I hope that is what happens for your husband. Get right back onto it. Get it gone and then leave it behind.

AS for you and your treatment, keep your chin up, and soon, it will be a memory. You and hubby can celebrate NED together for years to come.

Tru

beaumontdave

Hi, Heather, it's hard to know what's useful to say when someone's in the thick of it, and stuff just piles on, like your man's recurrence. I keep hearing that testicular cancer is still beatable, even when it spreads, [who can't think of Lance Armstrong's experience], but if it's moving quickly, I hope the docs are as well. I'm glad your bearing up with the chemo, that alone nearly wrecks people, I hope your resolve and strength help you both through this part of it all. I recall some days of walking myself exhausted, to cope by being too tired to be scared. I focused on very little things that I could want and get, like ice cream, a steak, taking in a good movie that could hold my attention. Things we both wanted to do and could, even shopping at malls [more her thing, but hey......]. Staying in the moment any way we could helped, and let the next appointment, test, or scan be off the radar, until it was time. Home projects, smaller ones we could afford were a useful distraction, we got a lot of mileage out of those, just making some thing better, at that time, helped. I suppose the point is that staring down the future, all the possible futures, isn't really possible or mentally healthy, over long periods of time. We'd do it enough to make the necessary choices, then get right back to our daily life together. Hard to do when you have work and kids, but we were running a marathon, years of medical stuff, and very tight money , and enduring it all, meant learning to block it out as much as possible, for as long as possible, and be normal whenever we could. I hope you find what helps you both cope, if that starts with each other, you've already got what many others never will have, and that's even sadder. Good luck on treatments and outcomes for the both of you........................................Dave

Heatherh92

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1708277#Comment_1708277

Hi Tru,

Thank you again for your kind words and for a little insight into your experience. Doctors are fortunately acting quickly again, I’ve always had so much respect for my husbands team, but staying positive has been such a challenge. I pray in the years ahead he and I can look back on this together and advocate for others, but for now I’m trying so hard to stay strong for him, myself and our toddler.

Best,

Heather

Heatherh92

Thank you Dave, we are still finding time in the midst of this chaos to do small things together. I found myself laughing to the point of almost tears and for a split second everything felt like, just a normal night. Yes you are right in the fact that testicular cancer even if it’s spread elsewhere is beatable, the problem is it’s not a reoccurrence, it’s a secondary cancer. I remember when he was first diagnosed his doctor was very honest with us when going over the odds and everything that if he were to get a secondary cancer it would be aggressive and harder to beat.

We’re doing our best to keep our heads up as best as we can. Our three year old really helps get us through everything most days, but it’s just so scary and exhausting not knowing what our health will look like 4-6 months down the road. Again, thanks for letting me vent, this is so hard.

-Heather