Venting Caregiver

Kazsmiles74 Member Posts: 20 Member
edited June 2023 in Caregivers #1

Hi first time poster. I’m THE support person for my husband. In 2018 he was diagnosed with HPV+ SSC of his right tonsil and 1 right lymph node in his neck. He had the TORS of his right tonsil along with right side neck dissection. Recovery time was about 7 weeks and no feeding tube. It was a success and doctors gave him the option to do radiation but felt it would be okay to not do so. And do he decided to not do the radiation. His body his choice. 

Fast forward to March 2023, just 6 months shy of his 5 year mark… diagnosed with recurrent SSC in his right side of neck, left lymph node, back of tongue, and down the way back of his throat. 

On June 7 he began 1st treatment of 33 radiation. On June 9 he began 1st chemo treatment of 7. 2 hours after chemo he was shaky and having heart palpitations along with high BP. Gave him a lorazepam to see if what anxiety and hour later 180/90. On call oncologist suggested going to the ER. They ran tests… no heart attack 🙏🏼 now we have to monitor his BP next few days and see if he needs to start taking BP meds. Doctor suspects it’s a dude effect of chemo or steroid drip. 

Today my husband is feeling angry and so mad. So today I give him space and I cry alone for all the reasons I have to. I too would like my happy and predictable hubby back. These ups and downs are tough! We already did this in 2018… we should be pros, no? Well the treatment part is a whole kinda new to us… DAMN IT’S A LOT!

Thanks for giving me a space to vent. It is so much needed.


  • LostMikey
    LostMikey Member Posts: 17 Member

    As a caregiver, I vent all the time. Often to anybody who will listen. My wife has recently finished treatment for breast cancer. She had cancer go from one side to the other, so has been cancer patient for 2 years. She has told me she doesn’t know how to be a “ normal person” since this started. She has pushed me away. I do not feel married to her, more like roommates. She has no emotional feelings or attachment toward me. I give her small kisses, hugs, and tell her I love her….but nothing in return. I often think what is happening to our 22 year marriage. So, yea venting does help. Wishing you and your husband the best, 🙏

  • Kazsmiles74
    Kazsmiles74 Member Posts: 20 Member

    Yup… today is a shut out day. It is 12:30pm and he has said about 5 words to me. I know he is dealing with a lot. I know treatment is so hard! But… this caregiver job is tough too!!! I am a fixer and can’t just fix this for us. Frustrating! I know my husband adores and appreciates me and what I do for him and our family, but just as I can’t understand what he is going through he has no idea what I am going through. He has never had to take care of a “sick” person.

    It sounds like your wife is struggling with her own frustrations from her battle and you are caught in the crossfire. Hang in there and just keep doing what you’re doing. It can’t be like this forever. Can it?

  • LostMikey
    LostMikey Member Posts: 17 Member

    To anybody that will listen to my update….my wife and continue to talk individually to a therapist. Last weekend when I got very angry, and later apologized, at her for not spending time with me. I asked her why she has no emotions toward me, bad or good. She told me she has no emotions about anything, not just me. Nothing makes her happy. And she needs time to work out her feelings about everything. So, I told her I love her and will forever love her and want to be with her forever. And if that means waiting for her to work out her feelings, that I will wait for her. And then we can work on us, or marriage. We talk, about the news, our jobs, our son, and other family members. But rarely about us. I said it before, it’s like having a roommate and not a wife. So now I have to be patient, control my emotions when I hear something I don’t want to hear. The confusion on my part is do I continue to tell her I love her, knowing I will not get a reply? Text her during the work day to say hello, will no reply? Ask her to do things with me, expecting a no answer? Ask her to held my hand, yup answer is no? Snuggle, definitely a no answer? Do I show her affection? I want to show her I still love her even when I know she is struggling. I’m so confused. I’m afraid to do or say the wrong thing give her a setback. You may see this same post on another thread.