New Diagnosed

JManbeck

I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma earlier this year. I've had my mastectomy and in about 2 months I will have my next reconstructive surgery. I feel extremely lucky since I do not have to do any radiation nor chemo. My lymph nodes were clean, and my index score came back as only a 10 so I am ER+ PR+ HER2- N0 M0. I only have to take the tamoxifen for the next 5 years. However, I now find myself getting emotional, perhaps grieving, over the thought of what I just lost. But then I feel selfish for having these thoughts because so many people have way worse of a diagnosis and have to go through way worse than me. I feel like I don't have the right to complain or to be upset over this. Has anyone had the same feelings? Also, I don't understand why I am having this feeling now - it's been about 7 weeks since my mastectomy.

shanooie

I am so sorry. I too had a bilateral mastectomy and had the same diagnosis as you. I am on Letrozole. I think that it is a normal way to process what you have been through. Most days we are able to focus on the blessings but allowing yourself time to grieve is actually healthy in my opinion.

LovesPrimes

@JManbeck, my story so far is similar to yours except tomorrow will be 4 weeks since bilateral mastectomy. I just met with a cancer support counselor yesterday and expressed some of the same feelings. I was relieved and grateful to find out that I don't need chemo or radiation but, overall, feel like I should be happier. But cancer sucks. I've lost my breasts. I'm still dealing with drains and just at the beginning of the reconstruction process. (Final reconstruction surgery will likely be October.) I was already considering oophorectomy but my oncologist thinks I should be considering hysterectomy. Sorry that is probably off-track...

I have deep grief that I have been unable to or choosing not to face but I know I must. Like @shanooie said, grieving is part of the recovery process. As someone who lost her sister (ovarian cancer) and mom (breast cancer) 18 months apart, I learned the hard way that how much worse or better someone else has it has nothing to do with our own grief. We have experienced significant loss. Our grief is valid.

I would appreciate it if both of you would keep in touch.

JManbeck

https://csn.cancer.org/discussion/comment/1706196#Comment_1706196

I do agree with you, most days I can focus on the blessings and try very hard to just move on. These new feelings of grief and I'll never look at myself the same way as before kinda hit me suddenly and I wasn't prepared for these emotions.

Jasmine8

I was diagnosed with IDC 1 month ago with a 5+ cm tumor in my left breast, I am 36 years old. I decided to do double mastectomy with reconstruction which is in 9 days. I have had such an incredibly hard time with everything that has happened. I cry almost daily at the thought of all there is to come. People keep telling me to be positive and be grateful as it could have been so much worse and I agree I am considered lucky in the world of cancer but it is so hard to feel lucky when you're going from appointment to appointment and they are throwing around "chemo", "radiation", "hormone therapy" as if it is normal to have to deal with such things. I feel weak for not having the "kick cancer's ****" attitude that is expected from me. I also don't have children and have been through IVF in the past with no luck and I now have to accept that I will never have the chance to have kids.

LovesPrimes

@Jasmine8, I'm so, so sorry to welcome you to this group. Not only do you have every right to cry daily and not have a "kick cancer's a$$" attitude (yet), I think you HAVE TO grieve. I am seeing a cancer support counselor and it really helps. I have people in my life that love me and are going through this with me but my counselor is the only one who doesn't ever say things like it could have been worse or try to make me feel positive. I think precisely because she doesn't, I'm starting to feel more positive and can see more things to fell grateful about.

This Friday is 3 months since bilateral mastectomy and tissue expanders. I started Tamoxifen June 13th and will likely be on anti-cancer drugs for 5-10 years. Please feel free to ask anything you want, here or by PM.

JManbeck

Hello! I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this. Cry. If you want to cry, then cry. I was diagnosed this past March and I had my mastectomy in April. I actually have 2 masses in my right side. I am going through the reconstructive surgery part at this point. I too feel very much like you. I do not have to go through chemo. I do not have to go through radiation. My numbers are low and in the world of cancer it is smoothe sailing for me. And I feel I have no right to complain. But in reality, I've just gone through something big and have altered my body and I have lost something. So, we do need to grieve. We do need to cry.

I understand your attitude at this point. My emotions were a bit delayed and I'm going through it now. When I was first diagnosed, I went into more of a logical stage. From my diagnosis to my choosing a mastectomy to booking all my appointments, I never was emotional. Just very logical. Until I was handed the paperwork for my Tamoxifen that said Oral Chemotherapy. That is when it hit me. But talking with other survivors helps. My family trys, but they really don't get it sometimes. I know they are being nice and positive when they say, "It will soon all be over with, and you can go back to normal". But really, what part of me will go back to normal. I will never be the same. And I think this is all part of the grieving process. I feel we need to grieve to be able to move forward. When all of our major surgeries are over, we will not return to normal. But if we allow ourselves to cry and grieve, we can move forward.

Hang in there!

Jasmine8

I think the part that bothers me the most is that we will never go back to normal. We will never get body parts back. We will always either be on medication or getting tests done worried about what if it comes back. People keep telling me you'll have surgery and you will be done but that's not true. Surgery is just the beginning.

JManbeck

That is very true. Figuring out how to move forward is a huge hurtle because it is impossible for us to go back to normal. And I have the exact same thoughts of what if it comes back. Plus, how can I see these scars in a different way, when does the worrying subside. I've spoken to a friend that was diagnosed 10 years ago with stage 4 and she still has her moments of worry.

GodHelpmymomplease

Hi ladies,

im so sorry you are going through this cancer crap. Can I say crap here? Sorry my mom was just dx. Her sister died of cancer (stomach but had metastasized so did it start in the ovaries?). Im in the health field. I worry for the future of it coming back, even if they are successful with it right now in ridding her of it. I worry for her, for me, for my sisters and my children. How can I not? Im a worry wart as is, now do add this to our lives. Is it even living when you live in fear? Its so debilitating. How do cope?

Aster28

You should make sure they sent a tissue sample from the biopsy off for testing which will tell you how aggressive the cancer is on a level of 0-3 and then a percentage how she compares to others and that will determine how aggressive the response to the cancer. I would have all the genetic testing possible

LovesPrimes

Bumping this thread back up in the hopes that @JManbeck, @Jasmine8, and others might update everyone on where they are at in their journey.

I'm 24 days from my DIEP surgery and emotionally all over the place. Don't feel like I can do enough to prepare and anxious that we won't get help with meals, etc., because of the holidays. But I know I will be so relieved when this part is over.

EmpressSammi

It is ok to grieve over what cancer takes from us. This is not normal. We all have our days no matter what it throws at us, but remember how powerful you are and how beautiful you are. 13 years ago when I was homeless, I was dx with cervical cancer. I didn’t have to go through anything I am going through now that I have breast cancer. That being said I had to have a complete hysterectomy and I lost 4in of my vaginal all. At the time I as going though a bitter separation and then divorce I no longer had my child anymore, she wasn’t even 2 when I was dx. Long story short any hope I ever had of having another child was gone forever for Me. My daughter was a miracle baby. Anyways sorry to go into all that.

i too grieved over the loss of something that cancer took from me. It’s normal and it’s ok to feel how you do. I hope you can find a way to help you deal with the loss. I am truly sorry.

Jasmine8

It's so hard to prepare for surgery. I think as much as you plan ahead there are always things you don't expect. It really sucks that your surgery is right before the holidays but I am sure family members will step up and help out, that's exactly what the holidays are about after all. As far as meal prep goes maybe just stock up on some Trader Joe's frozen foods, they actually have some good stuff. And there is always Uber Eats and Postmates. I am praying for your speedy recovery.