Just Plain Tired

UsVa2023

Tonight, I’m tired.

Tired of waiting for test results.

Tired of waiting for the doctor to call.

Tired of putting on a brave face.

Tired of going to appointments.

Tired of being behind.

Tired of trying to catch up.

Tired of waiting for surgery.

Tired of dreading it.

Tired of being patient.

Tired of being a cancer patient.

Tired of putting off things we wanted to do.

Tired of all of it. Every bit of it.

Just plain tired.

LovesPrimes

Amen

Wish I could say something profound but I can't. You have every right to be tired. You are seen and heard.

coedward

Right there with ya'!

I was diagnosed w/TN in March and have completed 7/12 weekly TC treatments (w/Pembro every third), was deferred from treatment today due to labs, and feel like a kid on a snow day!

Might I add, I'm tired of shortness of breath - but grateful my echo is still normal.

I'm tired of the occasional swelling in my foot - but grateful that there was no blood clot and that compression stockings and medication have helped. In an odd way, the previous care giving for my mom (who suffered from COPD/Diabetes/HBP/CKD) and various pets has given me knowledge that I can now apply to my own situation.

I'm tired of nausea and only wanting foods that are sweet and/or cheesy - but grateful that now I can't taste kale and the other "healthy" foods that I grind into my daily smoothie as a meal replacement.

I'm also tired of my cyborg port, acne, nosebleeds, losing my eyelashes (as if the hair on my head wasn't enough), wearing hats for others' comfort, wearing masks to potentially save my own life, the feeling of impending doom, and the weight of my potential decisions (it's taken me 2 months to conclude that the risk of recurrence is too great for me, and I am opting for mastectomy rather than lumpectomy -- which would also require a 90-minute commute for radiation every weekday for 4-6 weeks).

For me, the tiredness reflects a feeling of powerlessness, which I imagine is inherent to this process. I'm fortunate that my care provider (UC Health in Colorado) has an online portal/app that greatly improves access to results, scheduling, and secure communication with providers. Perhaps that is an option for you, as well? They also assign a Nurse Navigator who I can email directly for guidance and support; as someone who has always had sleep issues, being able to send a message at 3 AM has proven helpful, emotionally handing my issue off to someone else so I can get rest rather than ruminate over it all night.

Truly, I FEEL YOUR PAIN, but the ONE thing we control is our attitude. I don't know your Dx, but if my tumor had not been identified early (which was a fluke, in a CT scan due to a dislocated/fractured rib after a car crash) my prognosis would be very grim. I am grateful to have caring and professional doctors (breast specialist, oncologist, plastic surgeon) and staff who have been responsive and dedicated to my care - even if they are an hour's drive away. My life circumstances are not ideal, but somehow the timing has proven to be beneficial in many ways.

I may not be able to go places or do as many things, but I value the smaller accomplishments that I previously might have taken for granted (like starting seeds for a small deck garden, rather than buy plants for a larger garden in the yard, and watching the hummingbirds on the feeder as I stop to catch my breath).

I hope you are feeling more rested today! I am new to this site, but feel free to contact me if you would like.

Hugs!

Lisawag33

I have heard attitude plays a big role in healing and I started off with a pretty good outlook on things. Then I got an infection in my breast after lumpectomy. I have been in and out of hospital 3 times in 6 weeks. I haven't even started radiation yet. My attitude is no longer positive, I'm so down in the dumps even I don't want to be around me. I saw a meme that said "Just once, I would love for someone to put their arms around me, tell me it will be alright and give me a million dollars."

Maybe I would have a better attitude.

coedward

I would share my million if I had it. I can't put my arms around you, but I would if I could. 🤗

I have now completed 15 neoadjuvant chemo treatments and am working to schedule my double mastectomy in October; I'm hoping my current DDs and excess weight will allow for smaller implants to be put in at the same time to avoid the hassle of expanders. My taste buds are so messed up that BUTTER tastes bad, and biscuits make me gag. I was good at eating healthy for the first 8 or so treatments but after completing 12 weekly Taxol-Carbo and starting Adriamycin-Cytoxan once a cycle it all went to h*ll (and I don't expect significant improvement for at least a few weeks).

You are ENTITLED to every emotion you feel, especially anger and resentment for the various issues related to treatment. We caught my tumor early and have no reason to believe it went beyond the breast and the tumor has not been palpable since May. I declined my last AC because I just need to MOVE ON, and will assume the potential risk of some microscopic cell traveling elsewhere and propagating. I missed out on an entire summer and have wasted money I wanted to use toward a new home with my boyfriend on just getting by during treatment. I no longer have the luxury of moving more than 30 or so minutes from significant medical care (now including oncology) and have little to contribute towards our new home. I am preparing for "T-Rex Arms", drains and PT, and hoping that the new job I have lined up will still be there for me when I am released to work with significant restrictions.

Sometimes it seems the treatment is worse than the disease, but I hope that in the long run I will end up with clean margins, 20-something foobs, thick eyelashes, and awesome silver hair to style however I want. I hope that I don't ever lose the gratitude for just being alive, and find the strength to make the changes in my life to live it much more fully and happily than I lived my pre-cancer life. I can't explain why any of us have this experience, but can only hope that whatever life is left is the better for having experienced it.

I hope you feel better soon and that the rest of your treatment goes well!

Lisawag33

I'm sorry for the late response but your kind and encouraging words meant so much to me. I know God has a plan for each and every one of us and we will be stronger having gone on this journey but it really threw a curveball in what I had planned for the rest of my life. I guess if you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plan, right? I just know in my heart that you and your b/f will be able to get that home you have dreamed of and I pray you will have success in your new job. I really hate that you can't enjoy biscuits with butter. That makes me sad. I hope that issue resolved itself.

I have finally gotten the wound vac removed and should be able to start my radiation in 2 to 3 weeks. Now I am starting to get nervous. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time and sometimes one second at a time. That is how we will all get through it. Much love, Lisa