Feeling Alone

SeekerOfTheWay

I (43, female) am sole caregiver for my husband (70, male). We were married for 20 years and i moved out seven years ago because of many reasons but mostly the age difference and needing my own life.

He has hd NHL for about 15 years but recently, tongue, neck and possible throat cancer. He never went to doctors. Just once when taken to the ER where he was diagnosed with the NHL.

Fast forward to now and I am trying to care take. I work full time and live about 40 minutes away. I’m doing my best and trying to listen to my heart but I am lost and don’t know why to do. I got him on Home Hospice about four months ago and they visit twice a week. I tried staying with him a full week but it was exhausting. Now i go there twice a week to clean, and give him a bath. He cannot eat because his tongue is dead and his mouth is cancer filled. He could swallow soup last month but now it’s just sips of coffee. He is starving to death I think.

I feel guilty. And i don’t know how to help. I clean, sit with him while he sleeps on my nap. When he has the energy I take him to the park near his house and we lay on a blanket. He’s miserable most days and wants to go.

This is heart breaking, terrifying and there’s no solutions. I just don’t want him to suffer any more.